Belated Easter Message

So here is my belated Easter message on my blog. I apologize for not getting this out in a more timely manner. We have had visitors at our house for the past week. We also had about 25 people to our little house for Easter. It was so great. Our closest friends and family. The perfect way to celebrate our freedom in the Lord.

Easter is my favorite holiday. The chance to reflect on what my Lord has done for me. What he would have done for me - if I was the only one. How much he loved me. The picture of love that is depicted for me in a sacrifice I will never fully understand or appreciate.

Many of you saw The Passion of The Christ that was released several years ago. I was so moved by the realistic protrayal of what my Lord did for me. I was particularly moved by the portrayal of Mary. What did she know? What did she understand about what was happening to her son? Being a mother myself - understanding that love and desire to never see my child hurt ... I can't even put into words how my heart would break to watch my son make that kind of sacrifice for people who didn't understand or apreciate just what he was doing. A song that has always moved me to tears is called "Mary Did You Know".



It ends with the most important scene of the movie - the resurrection. Christ's death is MEANINGLESS without the resurrection. It is the resurrection that gives me life, hope, freedom. It is because of the resurrection that all things are made new again.



And because He is Alive we don't ask What Would Jesus Do? Let's be honest - how can we replicate that perfect example? We can strive and live to be His follower by instead asking What Is Jesus Doing? What is He doing right now and right here in the lives of those around us and how can I be a part of it? My greatest joy in life would be to be used by God to do His work in someone elses life.

There is NOTHING I can do to earn His grace and His mercy. I don't deserve the gift of life that Jesus has given me. How much would ever be enough?

And yet I fight and I struggle against the hands that are holding me. Over and over again I overlook the sacrifice that has been made for ME! And it's been made for you, too! Are you struggling and fighting teh hands that are trying to hold you? He wants you to know that He loves you and that He will never let you go. Don't make it harder than it needs to be.

A Belt!

Today I am wearing a belt! I know - that doesn't sound like much to you guys - but I don't think I have even OWNED a belt since jr. high - maybe high school? The clothes that I was able to scratch together from my mom no longer fit me. They are all too big already. But I don't have the money to be buying clothes that won't fit me very long. So I'm trying to make do with what I have.


Here are some pics I took. They aren't the best - but they show the belt and just how big these pants are!

Such an interesting problem for me to have. I've always dealt with clothes that don't fit - but always because they were too small! I can remember my freshman year in high school. I had tried out for the cheerleading squad. I didn't make it as a regular, but as a substitute. I would take it. That meant that if anyone was sick or couldn't cheer for some reason - I would cheer in their place. That meant that I had to know what to do in everyone's position so that I could fill in at a moments notice. That also meant that I had to fit into anyone's uniform at any moment. There weren't enough uniforms for me to have my own - and no money to buy my own. So if someone was out - I had to fit into their uniform. Can I just tell you - it scared the bejeezus out of me? There were some teeny tiny girls on that squad! Uniforms in a size 0! Uniforms in a size 2! I mean - I would be lucky if I was in a size 10! You have to be kidding me! So my first opportunity to cheer came up. And don't you know it was one of those skinny beyotch's! :) (If any of you are reading this - you know I am joking!) There was no way I was squeezing into a 2. We ended up switching things around and someone smaller than me squeezed into the 2 and I squeezed into a 7 I think. Still needed a safety pin, etc..., but I was simply horrified by the whole experience. Eventually that year someone had to drop off the squad and I was made a permanent cheerleader. I loved cheerleading - but I was acutely aware that I was always the heaviest on the team. I was always the base on the bottom of the pyramid or the stand. "Go ahead - climb on up! No big deal." And it wasn't. The rest of them were so petite and tiny. You will never hear anyone use those words to describe me! And I have come to accept that. I don't say that as in "Whoa is me - I am such a pig." It's part of who I am and I am OK with that. I have always been the big girl with the big hair and the big personality. Go big or stay home is my motto. Even in weight loss. I either have to go whole hog and have this surgery and loose it all - or why bother? If I can only do something half-assed I don't want to do it. It's how I live, it's how I love, it's how I am.

Things that feel good and things that feel bad.

I can't believe this - but I am still jogging! I am averaging 3-4 times a week. It feels so good to do it.

Other things that do not feel so good ... my hips (I am going to physical therapy for some bio-mechanical and strengthening stuff), my knees (I have arthritis in both of my knees already - hoping losing this weight will help to stem my journey to total knee replacement), and my tailbone! OW! My butt hurts so bad! I broke my tailbone back in jr. high. We were playing a game in the gym - in the dark and I ran smack into Scott True - fell backwards - right on my butt. I remember sitting on one of those stupid donuts for like a week or so. Now that I have less padding in that general area - sitting has turned downright painful. And even more painful - standing up from sitting! Seriously - it hurts! I am going to try to go to the chiropractor later this week and see if there isn't anything he can do to help me. Otherwise when I go to my PCP next week I will mention it to him then.

Flirting with 65 pounds down

I finally got to the store yesterday and got a new scale. So this morning I weighed myself bright and early and I am 4.8 pounds down! I am so close to 65 pounds down!


We had a big garage sale at my parents house yesterday. They have sold their house and are going to be parking their RV in my side yard and living there for a while. We also had a bunch of stuff in the garage sale since we are turning our bonus room into my dad's office. So we've been going through a bit of a cleansing process on all fronts. I put a TON of fat clothes in the sale. The rule was everything that left the house did not come back. So when we were done, D took the remnants to the goodwill.

Going through my fat clothes was kind of difficult. It's cleansing and important - I don't want to go back there - getting rid of the clothes helps me not to look back. But it is such a comfortable place to be. Even the clothes that I had recently inherited from my mom and others are now starting to be too big. It's an interesting problem to have to be sure. Not something I've ever dealt with before.

Hello, my name is Pam, and I am addicted to my scale.

UGH! My girls flooded my lovely digital scale that I had grown to love, and now it doesn't work! I used to avoid scales at all costs (you would too if you weighed what I did - I hated that dang thing!). But since my surgery I have come to accept my scale, even anticipate getting on it! Every morning when I got out of bed - no matter how hard it may have been to get out of bed - at least I could step on my scale and see something that made me smile.

Now with my trusty friend no longer in my life - I feel like I am going through withdrawal! I know - you will say - just go to WalMart and get a new one, Pam! I would love to! I have just been so busy this week - I literally haven't had time to go there! I'm hoping this weekend I will be able to find some time. But I am literally jonesing to get on the scale!

3 Months and 60 Pounds Down

Today is exactly 3 months out from surgery, and today I officially hit 60 pounds down. I hit a stall last week that had me playing around with the same 3 or 4 pounds, but this week has resolved that. The past 3 months have been absolutely surreal. They have gone by so fast and I can't believe how much weight I have lost. I am doing things I never thought I would do ... ever!

It got me to thinking about some of the goals I set for myself at the beginning of this journey. Here they are:

• I want my feet to stop hurting. Well they hurt - but because of my new tattoo!
• I want to be able to walk more than a mile without stopping because of my back. DONE! I now walk 3 miles without stopping at all. And I have taken to jogging! I can jog 2 miles without stopping!
• I want to stop wearing my CPAP machine at night. I have not worn my CPAP since surgery! I don't snore (much) at night anymore! In fact, I gave my CPAP away! Hope you're enjoying it, Tim!
• I want my knees to stop hurting. My knees still bother me - I have arthritis in them, but they don't hurt ALL the time like they did before - only when I really push myself exercising.
• I want to be able to cross my legs comfortably. I can do it! I want to be able to be a little more comfortably doing this and do it longer, but I can do it! Even in church in the pew where there's not much room!
• I want to be able to run around with my kids. I even got on the trampoline with my kids! I also go bike riding with them now!
• I want to feel like I don't have to avoid mirrors. I still avoid mirrors a lot. This will have to be something I work on. And when I look in them I still see me 3 months ago. But my friends are helping me work this out.
• I want to be able to fit comfortably in a roller coaster when we go on vacation this summer. I haven't done this yet, but I'm feeling good about the possibilities this summer!
• I want to be able to fit comfortably in an airplane seat. On my trip to see my sister I had no trouble with the seatbelt and didn't feel like I was imposing on the person next to me. Yeah!
• I want my blood pressure to go back to normal. I was on 3 different blood pressure medications prior to surgery because I am allergic to ACE inhibitors. I have not taken ONE of them since the day of surgery! My blood pressure has been phenomenal since surgery. I just took it now and it was 114/68!
• I want to be able to go to the doctor and not have my blood pressure go up just at the thought of having to get on the scale. So I've only had one doctor's appointment since surgery and my blood pressure was 122/72. That is pretty freakin' good for me!
• I want to shop in a "normal" store for clothing. I am so close to this I can taste it. It is possible I could actually shop in normal stores right now, but I am going through clothes sizes so fast right now I can't bring myself to spend money on new clothes that I will only wear for a little while. A lot of clothes I am currently wearing are just too big and that is just how it will be. I plan to make a trip to a local thrift store soon and see what I can find.
• I don't want my kids to be embarassed by their fat mom. My kids spend a lot of time telling me how good I look when I have a new outfit on, etc... In fact, the day that the kids came to the hospital after my surgery my daughter, Marissa, took to telling everyone in the elevator that she was coming to visit her mom and that her mom was in the hospital to "get skinny".

I also took my measurements. I hate that I'm going to post this, but I'm going to post it.

Pre-op 3 months out
Bust 50 44
Rib cage 46 39
Waist 46 39
Hips 56 50
Thighs 30 26
Arms 15 13

In total I have lost 32 inches! WOW! Here is a collage I put together that compares me to a few days before surgery ....

Unexpected WOW!

So at work today I was washing my hands in the bathroom and my wedding ring fell off! Never fear - I was able to rescue it in the sink, but it totally freaked me out! 3 months ago at surgery time it took everything in me to just get that ring off! Now it's sliding off all on it's own! WEIRD!I had gotten it sized up about 10 years ago and I'm thinking I was about this weight. Daren just gave me a third ring (see picture - two wedding bands on either side of the diamond - he gave me the second wedding band for our 5 year anniversary) and when I got them bonded together I had it sized up a little bit. Now I may have to have it sized down! This is definitely a WOW I had not anticipated.

Hell Has Frozen Over!

OK - I just did something I swore I would never do - ever ever again.

I haven't done it since high school. I didn't enjoy it even then.

I jogged. I can't believe it. I jogged! 2 whole miles!

Now let me be clear here. I jogged. I did not run. It was only slightly (allbeit ever so slightly) faster than a good walk. But I did it! I jogged! I have no idea what possessed me, but I did it! I only stopped to walk once in 2 miles! I can't believe it! And in the spirit of true confession - I waited until it was dark so no one could see me. :)

And can I just say - I truly don't know why I did it. I have hated jogging and running for forever. No interest in doing it whatsoever. I was pretty active in high school. Did Volleyball, Cheerleading, Softball, and even Track & Field. I like to emphasize the "Field" part of Track and Field. And truth be told - I only did it to (1) get out of school early for track meets, and (2) go to the Pennsylvania track meet for 3 days which meant - out of school for 3 days and a chance to make out with my boyfriend on the bus in the dark. As soon as said boyfriend graduated from high school I quit. And I only ran when I had to as part of my conditioning. My coach would occassionally put me in races and I dreaded it. I was always last. I was an awful runner. I was fair to poor in the field events as well. I did shot put, high jump, javelin, and dabbled in discus and long jump. Anything to keep the coach from entering me in a race. Anything. So when I quit Track I vowed I would never jog or run again - ever. I hated it - I would have awful asthma attacks every year - usually landing me in the ER. Tonight I have been out of breath to be sure, but nothing like I thought I would be. I can't believe I went 2 miles!

I am starting to see it

OK - all this time I have been having a hard time seeing the difference in me. People say it and I try to be gracious (key word being try - I don't always catch myself before something caustic comes out), but inside I am like "They are just saying that because they know I had surgery." I truly was not seeing the difference. I knew in my head there was one because the scale said so and because my clothes were no longer fitting, but when I looked in the mirror I couldn't see it.

Today I can honestly say that I am starting to see it. I did a comparison collage:

I have had people coming up to me a lot lately and asking me things like "Did you do something different to your hair?" HEHEHEHEHEHE. Yeah - I did! I lost a lot of face! I don't usually say something to the people who don't know about my surgery - they'll figure it out eventually.

Climb

OK - I swear - I am not a dork. I am not 35 years old and listening to Miley Cyrus.

But ... I did hear this song today and since my girls were in the car I could not change the channel. The lyrics really spoke to me:

Climb

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep the head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a up-hill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to loose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes I knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a up-hill battle

Sometimes you're gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a up-hill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby

It's all about, it's all about the climb

Keep the faith, Keep your faith.

I know this is how I feel a lot lately. In reality - I am losing a ton of weight - really fast. But I get lost when I start trying to look around my mountain instead of realizing that I have so many lessons to learn while I'm climbing. I want to be thin ... NOW! But if I don't take the time to learn the lessons that this surgery has afforded me - I will just be right back where I started in a few short years. I have the voices telling me that I can't do this - that I am destined to be the fat chic.

So what mountain are you climbing right now? Are you so focused on what should be on the other side that you are not enjoying the climb? I know - sometimes the climb is NOT enjoyable. But it's the lessons we learn while we're climbing that make the other side so sweet! Is your faith wavering because you have been climbing for so long? Is that voice in your head telling you you'll never make it? Keep the faith!

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

Hear that? I have a hope and a future! And you do, too!

Enjoy the climb, friends!