To the Doing of Your Love

With Valentine's Day approaching I find myself thinking about what else ... love.

Who has taught you the most about love in your life? The ultimate example of love for me is Jesus. His death so that I could live forever with him in heaven is the definition of unconditional love. I can never do anything to deserve such love, and yet he gives it to me freely.

But besides my heavenly father's example of love - the next person who has taught me the most about love is my earthly father. He is the one who taught me that love had nothing to do with feelings. He made a fantastic toast at my wedding about love - and here is what he said:

I can remember when Pam was in jr. high and we were having family devotions at the dinner table one night. We were studying love and I remember the look on her face when I told her that love had nothing to do with feelings - that love was not a feeling at all. God gave us a whole chapter in the Bible on love - I Corinthians 13. It's kind of a list of do's and don't's for love - and there is not a feeling in there. God makes this terrific promise in I Corinthians 13. He says if you do these do's and don't these don't's - Love Never Fails. That's a pretty terrific promise. So I would like to review those do's and don't's for Pam and Daren.

Do

• Be Patient
• Be Kind
• Rejoice in the Truth
• Always Protect
• Always Trust
• Always Persevere

Don't

• Envy
• Boast
• Be Proud
• Be Self-Seeking
• Be Easily Angered
• Keep a Record of Wrongs
• Delight in Evil

And so I raise my glass and make this toast to Pam and Daren ... To the doing of your love - that it may never fail.

Thanks, Daddy - for one of the most important lessons in my life. The first - that I can do nothing to deserve the ultimate gift of life from Jesus - but that I am worth it. The second - that love has nothing to do with feelings. That I will not always feel love and that is OK as long as I choose to love in the way that Christ has exampled it for me.

Happy Valentine's Day y'all!

Still ...

So I am still having problems with Kanga. She just seems to never be happy. The steroids don't seem to have worked. If I don't refund the Roo and manage to keep everything down - I have awful foamies and I am in pain for several hours afterwards - even liquids can do this to me now. It's kind of hit or miss. But I am miserable. Yesterday I was actually at -147 calories for the day because I went hiking. I am so tired because I am hardly getting any calories in. And because I am hardly taking anything in my body is holding on to every ounce of it so I haven't lost any weight this week.

So I called my surgeon today to let them know that the steroids didn't seem to work, etc... The nurse called me back and had me call the GI Doc and get in with them. I called the GI doc and they can't see me until next Friday. WWWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I was assured I wouldn't die staying on liquids until then. Yes, thank you, I realize I have enough fat to sustain me for quite some time. But that is just the consult. That isn't actually correcting the problem!

SSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - here I sit playing Russian Roulette with my food for another 8 days.

On another note - I kinda had a WOW moment today. I had to take my daughter to the doctor for a rash she has. My whole family sees one family doctor. I love him - Dr. Bloom. He is da bomb! Anyway - he hasn't seen me since I was trying to get my paperwork together for surgery. So he walked in and he got this huge smile and said "Did you have the surgery?" Yes, 6 weeks ago. He told me he could tell and that he thought I looked great and he was very excited for me. But the best was he couldn't believe my blood pressure was already under control. He checked it and it was phenomenal as usual. Yeah Me!

Keepin' Me Humble

So I am officially down 41 pounds! I am finding it difficult to find clothes to wear that aren't humungous on me. The clothes I do have that fit are capri's and clothes for spring. While the weather here in North Carolina is fabu these days (in the 70's this week!), I don't know how appropriate it is to wear capri's and sandals in February. But I have decided that y'all just have to get over it! If I don't wear these clothes now, I won't be able to wear them at all. And I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes I will only wear for such a short time. But I may have to just bite the bullet soon and spend some money. You know it's time to go shopping when even your underwear is falling off your heiny. YEE HAW!

So this past weekend's weather was gorgeous after weeks of really cold weather. Sunday the kids wanted to ride their bikes to a friends house. So I said "OK - let's ride our bikes over there." They said "But you are going to walk, right mom?" No - I think I will ride my bike. "You have a bike? You know how to ride a bike?" Um - yeah! I used to pull you guys in the bike trailer - I guess that was so long ago you don't remember. OK - no big deal. So my husband gets my bike out and pumps up the tires for me, etc... The kids and I walk our bikes down to the end of the driveway and we go to get on our bikes. I start riding away and I can hear delightful glee behind me as my kids start yelling "Great job, mom! You can do it! Keep going!" Part of me was being kept humble by my kids who never knew I could ride a bike because I wouldn't dare get my fat ass on one. But another little part of me was jumping up and down inside "Great job, mom! You can do it! Keep going!" Hehehehehehehehehe. Yeah me!

I find that I am at a part in my weight loss where I would normally be quite satisfied with myself and all the weight that I have lost. I find it almost strange that I just keep loosing. I know that sounds so weird - I am having trouble putting words to what I'm feeling and why. Maybe it's because I am getting really close to being a weight and a size that I have not been in a very long time.

I am also struggling with my food addictions and obsessions. I want an ice cold Pepsi in the worst way right now. But that would be like toxic for Kanga at this point so I have not indulged. I was sitting at the circus Friday night with my kids and the person behind me was having a hot dog. Good lord! I could smell it! I wanted that stupid hot dog! I have found myself a few times standing in front of the fridge just staring inside a few times. I finally stopped and asked myself what I was looking for - what do I want out of here. The answer was not food. There was nothing I was really hungry for. I wanted comfort. I wanted to totally stuff my face. I just can't do that. I have even forgotten a couple of times and eaten too fast ... that is an absolutely miserable experience, I have to tell you. I am convinced now more than ever that this is the only way I could have been successful in weight loss, by having this surgery.

I am still struggling with the stricture. I have been taking the steroids and they seemed to be helping for a while, but now I am having trouble again. We will see what this next week brings.

Making lemonade with my lemons

I am officially down 37 pounds since surgery. I had to take a picture of the outfit that I had on today. Just last week when I tried it on I could not button the pants. But today I slipped them on and went off to work! Never mind the hair today - it's attrocious - that's what happens when you spend the night worshipping the porcelain god.








I still don't see a difference, I just know that the clothes are fitting differently, etc...

My blood pressure is still good and I have not had any problems with my sleep apnea since surgery either.

Stricture

So after a few days of misery I was able to get in to see Dr. Enochs today. Gotta tell ya - that man's smile makes it all OK. :)

Anyway - I have been having a lot of difficulty eating lately. Liquids stay down, but I am sore after I drink. Soft foods - well that is hit or miss. Sometimes Kanga refunds the Roo. When she does that has not been pretty - have had blood come up with it, etc... If the Roo stays down I am in pain for hours.

Dr. Enochs thinks that I may be working on a stricture in the area where my new stomach (a.k.a. Kanga) attaches to my intestines. Because I'm only 5 weeks out from surgery - it could just be swelling having to do with healing and not necessarily scar tissue. He wants to wait and let me heal a bit more before trying to go in there with endoscopy to fix things. He doesn't like to go in before 2 months has passed. So he gave me a script for some steroids to see if that shrinks things and makes it easier for me. I am to do the steroids for a few days and go back to liquids, and then try to advance to soft foods and see what happens. If I am still having trouble at the end of February then they will have me see the GI doc for an endoscopy. If things get worse before then they will address it. He would just like to give me a few more weeks if possible.

I hope that the steroids work. Not being able to eat and being in pain a lot of the time is getting really old.

Getting Better

OK - so the layoffs are over. Our department was affected, but my job is safe .... for now.

I have had some success with the Carafate When I use it I don't get sick after eating. But it's effectiveness only lasts for that meal. I took it this morning before breakfast and I had some juice with no problems. But later in the morning when I had my protein shake - not so much. I took it before lunch - and was good to go. So note to self - don't eat without taking the Carafate first.

I have an official weight loss update. I am down 35 pounds from surgery. That's 35 pounds in 5 weeks! I still can't believe it when I look at the scale.

This past weekend at the Super Bowl party that my mom had I was sitting around the table with my friends and one of them mentioned my blog. They were saying how they loved visiting Pamelot. Then one of them said "Soon it will be Pamelittle!" HAHAHAHAHAHA! That was clever!

So my row-mate at work, Krystal, decided that I need a new slogan for when I loose all the weight. She came up with the following "Half the Pam - All the Attitude." Oh yeah, I am so rockin' that.

NAUSEOUS

OK - If I thought I was feeling nauseous yesterday - today is much worse. But not because of a physical ailment. Today is the day they are doing a major round of layoffs here at work. So I am sitting here trying to concentrate and get work done, but we keep hearing about so-and-so in that office, and so-and-so somewhere else getting the axe. Makes it a very nerve wracking morning. Hopefully they will just do it and get it done with quickly - by noon would be preferable. Hopefully Kanga doesnt' refund what little Roo she has in my cubicle trashcan here.

Yuck!

So the last couple of days have been pretty rough. Just when I thought I had mastered my WLS!

I have been trying to move from pureed foods to soft foods and it really had not been going well. Kanga was refunding the Roo quite regularly. I had decided to move back to just liquids, but even that was making me ill. I had feared a stricture was developing. A stricture is where scar tissue forms where the new pouch and the new entrance to the intestines are sewn together. Sometimes the scar tissue can get in the way and not allow food to pass through. The stricture can get so bad that it can even get to where liquids can not go through.

So I called the surgeons office today and talked to the nurse practitioner. She wanted to try something else before doing an endoscopy to rule out stricture. She prescribed something called Carafate for me. This will rule out anything kind of gastro-intestinal that may be going on with the lining, etc... that could be upsetting Kanga. I take it 30 minutes before eating and it kinda coats everything and makes it so that when I eat it's a little easier. It's nastiness in it's purest form to be sure, but so far seems to be doing the trick. I hope that this does work because me and endoscopy's are not friends. The last one I had (when I was having gallbladder problems) was horrific. They give you versed and you go into like a twilight sleep. You aren't under - just conscious enough to respond to commands, but you don't remember anything. Well, they had to back out the versed half way through and wake me all the way up because I was gagging uncontrollably. So I got to be awake for most of my endoscopy - and let me tell you - I would just rather forget.

So I'm hoping and praying that this is the answer and I don't have to go in for an endoscopy.

Another New Recipe

So I was thinking about what I could bring to the Super Bowl party at my mom's tonight that I could have and enjoy, but that others would enjoy as well. I came up with something I have decided to call Enchilada Dip. I'm not married to that name - so if you find something else please feel free to make suggestions.

First I put 3 large chicken breasts in the crockpot this morning with a box of chicken stock and an envelope of taco mix. I cooked them all day in the crock pot. When they were done the chicken just shredded - it was so yummy.

So I took the shredded chicken and put that at the bottom of a small baking dish. Then I layered a can of refried beans on top of that. On top of the beans I layered fat free sour cream. And on top of the sour cream I layered some Kraft Mexican Cheese. I put the baking dish in the oven at 350 for about 15 minutes.

I liked just scooping out some of the dip and eating it as is, but I also had some Scoops tortilla chips and a lot of people were using those to eat the dip. I imagine it would be good on some tortilla shells, too.

Neglecting Pamelot

I'm sorry that I have been neglecting Pamelot the past few days. It's been a busy weekend for me, and Kanga has been retaliating against me as well. I have had a lot of cases of the foamies and a few cases where Kanga refunded the Roo. I can't tell if Kanga just doesn't like the Roo - or if I'm eating too fast or too much or what. So I'm going to try to go back to liquids over the next day or so and see if that makes a difference.

And I am finding that just when I think I have "conquered" all of this mental stuff with food, I have not! I have struggled with my love affair with food a lot this weekend. I had a baby shower Friday night and I was good - I don't have much choice in the matter, but I wanted to be so bad. I also had a Super Bowl party at my mom's house tonight. The only way I didn't eat all the wonderful stuff in front of me was because I couldn't. I really wanted to. The chips, the brownies, the sausage. I wanted it all, and I worry what will happen when I can have it all again. I still have a ways to go as I divorce some of the foods I love so much.