Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Biggest Loser
Sunday, June 28, 2009
If You Do What You Always Did, You Will Get What You Always Got
The first situation is hearing from someone who has had gastric bypass surgery and doesn't understand why so many of us are so obsessed with eating right, etc... She has managed to loose over 100 pounds and still goes to fast food restaurants 7 or 8 times a week and still does not exercise. Her argument - if she could have done it with eating right and exercise she would not have needed the surgery. HHHHHMMMMMM. My argument - I needed the specific guidelines and rules of WLS in order to eat right and exercise like I knew I should. The thing with gastric bypass is that pretty much no matter what you do - you will loose weight. You are given this "magic window" of 18-24 months where you will loose weight - you have to because of what they have done to your stomach and your intestines. The question is - what happens after that magic window? Your body will eventually adapt to your new intestines re-routing. And if you do what you always did, you will get what you always got. If, instead, I take advantage of this magic window and make the changes that I know need to be made in my life - maybe, just maybe, this will be a life change for me, not just another failed diet. I am determined that I am not going to fail at this again. So what changes am I hoping "stick"? Eating smaller meals, eating healthier meals, and my new found love of exercise - running in particular.
Another instance that had me repeating this mantra in my head was meeting up with family that I haven't been around since the surgery. I got a lot of comments like "You can't eat this? Not even a little? That's crazy!" Yeah - I know. And I do miss some of my old friends like pizza and soda, in particular, but if you do what you always did, you will get what you always got. I also got some comments about my "new will power". If I had that kind of will power, I would never have gotten as fat as I got (getting what I always got). I obviously don't have will power - that is why I had this surgery. I needed the strict rules surrounding what I could and could not eat to make this change in my life.
And so while it feels good to have people acknowledge the change in me, part of me is still stuck with the thought that I had to get to the point of needing such a drastic change in my life. There is part of me that still feels shame at how big I got, and part of me that is stuck in that shame and in my "fat suit". I think it will just take some time for my mind to catch up with my body. I wonder if it isn't a bad thing that I hang on to some of that shame - as a way to remind myself where I came from and where I never want to go back.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Percentages
But today on one of the support boards that I live on these days (shout out to all my OH Peeps! Holla!) someone asked a question that intrigued me. She asked us what percentage of your excess body weight have you lost? Well, at first I started having flashbacks to Jr. High Math class with Mr. Verkaik and my head started to pound. But once I took a deep breath and though through exactly what I was trying to calculate I decided to go ahead and figure it out.
So I want to loose about 130 pounds total. Of that 130 pounds I have lost 75 pounds so far. That means have lost 58% of my excess body weight! In just over 4 months! That's craziness!
Looking at the numbers that way gives me a whole new outlook on the situation that I'm in at the moment.
Another friend gave me encouragement this week on focusing on the long term changes that I am making for myself and that those are the most important things I can do for myself. Changing my eating habits, my exercise habits, my relationship with food in general. Those things aren't easy and I knew in my head they wouldn't be easy. But now as the rubber meets the road and I actually have to do it - it's just not always fun. But it is always good.
So here's a picture of me today in some of my new clothes that are regular sized. Yeah me!
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Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Food and Feelings

- First, acknowledge that, as a person who intentionally and regularly rejects or consumes food to distract from feeling, you most likely have a negative view of uncomfortable emotions.
- Second, identify exactly what you believe about emotions.
- Third, make a conscious, ongoing effort to change your beliefs.
Acceptance does not mean letting them run you ragged or having a field day with other people. Nor does it imply that you must like having unsettling and sometimes acutely wounding emotions. it merely requires that you acknowledge the hurt and give unpleasant feelings the right to come and go, just as you do the pleasant ones.
If you want to end disordered eating, you have to break the link between feelings and food.
If you're a dysfunctional eater who turns toward food when you're feeling bad, it tastes good in part because you're desperately looking for ways to ward off the blues, the blahs, the jitters. ... Another reason that food tastes good for people who view it as a panacea is that it's meant to be eaten so that our species will survive and flourish. Food is supposed to be appetizing and appealing, delectable and divine. So when you bite into a juicy apple or a buttery croissant, it's no surprise that your taste buds cheer wildly. They're happy even if you're not. But just because something tastes good doesn't mean you should be eating it, especially if the real business at hand is
attending to emotions.Science has come a long way in understanding the complexities of appetite and affect. Research tells us that under stress our bodies crave carbohydrates, which have chemical properties to soothe and relax us, just as milk did in infancy. not only does food taste heavenly, it's also a source of what we're physiologically lacking in moments of distress. Take carbohydrates whose chemical compounds break down in our bodies in such a way as to calm and comfort us. Food does this job extremely well - too well!
She talks about the physical manifestation of emotions - takes you through exercises to help you recognize those physical manifestations - things such as:
- dry throat
- fatigue
- shortness of breath
- queasiness
- racing pulse
- flushing
- inability to focus or concentrate
- butterflies in your stomach
- pounding heart
- a lump in your throat
- tightness or hollowness in your chest
- constriction around your eyes
She says "To become a whole, healthy person, you have to stop trying to avoid feeling badly and welcome all your emotions without judgment, no matter what they are."
I have been known as the Queen of Denial. I like to camp out there often. It's really quite comfortable there, and I tend to find an unending supply of cookie dough when I need it. I also like to point out to other people when they are visiting that great land. I know because I am the Queen and I can recognize it easily in others.
Karen Koenig identifies the 7 most difficult feelings for disordered eaters. They are:
- Guilt - Practically every dysfunctional eater is other-oriented, a caretaker, a do-gooder, has an overly-developed sense of responsibility, and rarely (if ever) believes she is doing enough. Because they are people pleasers and feel naughty or selfish when they do things for themselves, their self care is only fair to poor. The major way they take care of themselves is - you guessed it - through food.
- Shame - Disordered eating may be a way to maintain the shame they unconsciously think they ought to feel or are used to feeling.
- Helplessness - Occurs when there is nothing we can do. It underlies many feelings - frustration, impatience, anger, and anxiety. Something terrible is going to happen and I can't do a damned thing about it! Many disordered eaters combat their helplessness by taking action, usually in the form of micromanaging their food intake or consuming every morsel in sight.
- Anxiety - People who eat to sooth their nerves. These individuals are anxious about what they did yesterday and about what they're going to do tomorrow.
- Disappointment - Chronic disappointment can lead people to believe that they don't deserve to have positive expectations and outcomes in life. Wanting causes them to feel needy and so they deny their genuine desires. Because it's too scary to have expectations of themselves or of other people, they turn to something that's predictable and always in good supply - food. When an emotional eater suffers the letdown of disappointment, food picks them up, at least for a while.
- Confusion - It runs rampant in a population of eaters who are out of touch with their physical needs and wants. They're not sure whether they're really hungry or deserve to eat, what they should eat, when they're full, what they ought to look like, and what they should weigh. Most of their confusion is about the concept of enough in numerous areas of their lives. What drives their confusion is the desperate urge to find out what's right so they won't fail or make mistakes. Because it's difficult to tolerate the tension created by vague, mixed or conflicting feelings, they often give up and instead take a stroll down a supermarket aisle or focus on numbers, which are sharp and clear - on a scale or food package.
- Loneliness - A soul killer - no wonder lonely people seek solace in food! When disordered eaters feel this depth of loneliness, they're desperate to bond with something, anything - to merely feel alive.
You will begin to realize your dreams when you allow your emotions to speak to you, when you listen carefully to what they have to say, and when you make conscious choices based on authentic feelings couples with sound judgment. To do this, however, you must become conversant with the language that emotions speak - and that's often the language of pain.
People who allow themselves to experience their heartache and learn from it lead happy, successful lives, whereas people who run from emotional pain end up unhappy and unfulfilled.
So I think the feelings that stand out for me are Helplessness, Anxiety, Disappointment, and sometimes Loneliness.
There are so many things in this life that I have learned I have absolutely no control over. It makes me feel helpless - I don't like not having control (as I have talked about in earlier blogs). Eating gives me a sense of control - and it also feels very good. Problem is - when I have binged to give myself the feeling of control - I only end up feeling more out of control. Why did I do that?
I totally eat to soothe my nerves. This is still a problem for me. I had a disturbing appointment last week and as I was driving back to work I found myself screaming in the car "I just want a freakin' cheeseburger, damn it!" I passed an Arby's (which I love) and I just wanted to pull in for a roast beef sandwich and some curly fries! Make it go away!
Ah yes, Disappointment. Somehow in my twisted mind I have convinced myself that my favorite foods never disappoint me. They are always there for me when I need them - always providing the comfort I seek. When someone doesn't treat me the way I feel I deserve to be treated - food does - it makes me feel so good. But how twisted is that? It disappoints me every time - every pound I put on because of it.
I have had those moments of strolling down the supermarket aisles - searching for my comfort. I have found myself going faster and faster - not even knowing what I'm looking for - just knowing that I will know it when I find it. It could be some cookie dough - maybe brownie mix or frosting - or how about that Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream - or it could be something salty like Doritos or a sausage egg and cheese biscuit. I have even found myself standing in front of my pantry or refrigerator in the middle of the night after a stressful confrontation or a fight with my husband. I'm tired of the conflict and I am tired of feeling this way - give me some food to make it go away.
And having de-carbed since surgery - I can so see how carbs do affect my feelings. The few times that I have had some small carb with what I am eating since surgery have nearly sent me on an eating binge again. I can't even describe it! It just feels so good! I know that this surgery is the only way for me to divorce food. I can't binge anymore - I get sick - very ill - it downright hurts. In fact, there are days that eating is a downright chore.
Karen Koenig gives some great techniques for slowing down - recognizing the physical manifestations of our emotions and feelings - deep breathing that helps you become more in tune with what your body is trying to tell you.
So how is your relationship with food? Are you obsessed with it? Or are you using it the way it should be used? Have you learned to live with your feelings? Do you turn to food or to something else to not have to deal with those feelings? Do you have feelings which you have deemed "bad"? Why do we think emotions in and of themselves are bad? They were given to us by our creator for a reason. We should not ignore them or push them aside - we need to get to the root of the emotions and discern what they are telling us so that we can move on.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The Divorce Continues
I am totally addicted to milk, and to me cheese makes everything better. But I think that I have become lactose intolerant since surgery.
As I have stated on this blog before - I and my surgeon have been thinking that I am suffering from a stricture. But I did have a few times that I ate and did not get ill afterwards. So it got me to thinking - what was the difference? I started going back over what I was eating and realized I was having an awful lot of dairy in my quest for soft foods. Soft cheeses, cottage cheese, milk whenever I could get it. So today I decided to test my theory and see if I could go without anything with lactose in it. I made it most of the day and I was not sick! But then at dinner tonight I decided to make my kids some heart shaped waffles. One fell apart and I took a couple of bites of that dry waffle - which was made with ... milk!!!! In about 30 minutes I spent the next 2 hours in absolute misery.
So the divorce with my favorite foods continues. Before surgery I was talking to someone I go to church with who had the same surgery - with the same surgeon about 8 months before me. He said to me "It's like learning to eat all over again." Truer words have never been spoken!!!!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Keepin' Me Humble
So this past weekend's weather was gorgeous after weeks of really cold weather. Sunday the kids wanted to ride their bikes to a friends house. So I said "OK - let's ride our bikes over there." They said "But you are going to walk, right mom?" No - I think I will ride my bike. "You have a bike? You know how to ride a bike?" Um - yeah! I used to pull you guys in the bike trailer - I guess that was so long ago you don't remember. OK - no big deal. So my husband gets my bike out and pumps up the tires for me, etc... The kids and I walk our bikes down to the end of the driveway and we go to get on our bikes. I start riding away and I can hear delightful glee behind me as my kids start yelling "Great job, mom! You can do it! Keep going!" Part of me was being kept humble by my kids who never knew I could ride a bike because I wouldn't dare get my fat ass on one. But another little part of me was jumping up and down inside "Great job, mom! You can do it! Keep going!" Hehehehehehehehehe. Yeah me!
I find that I am at a part in my weight loss where I would normally be quite satisfied with myself and all the weight that I have lost. I find it almost strange that I just keep loosing. I know that sounds so weird - I am having trouble putting words to what I'm feeling and why. Maybe it's because I am getting really close to being a weight and a size that I have not been in a very long time.
I am also struggling with my food addictions and obsessions. I want an ice cold Pepsi in the worst way right now. But that would be like toxic for Kanga at this point so I have not indulged. I was sitting at the circus Friday night with my kids and the person behind me was having a hot dog. Good lord! I could smell it! I wanted that stupid hot dog! I have found myself a few times standing in front of the fridge just staring inside a few times. I finally stopped and asked myself what I was looking for - what do I want out of here. The answer was not food. There was nothing I was really hungry for. I wanted comfort. I wanted to totally stuff my face. I just can't do that. I have even forgotten a couple of times and eaten too fast ... that is an absolutely miserable experience, I have to tell you. I am convinced now more than ever that this is the only way I could have been successful in weight loss, by having this surgery.
I am still struggling with the stricture. I have been taking the steroids and they seemed to be helping for a while, but now I am having trouble again. We will see what this next week brings.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Neglecting Pamelot
And I am finding that just when I think I have "conquered" all of this mental stuff with food, I have not! I have struggled with my love affair with food a lot this weekend. I had a baby shower Friday night and I was good - I don't have much choice in the matter, but I wanted to be so bad. I also had a Super Bowl party at my mom's house tonight. The only way I didn't eat all the wonderful stuff in front of me was because I couldn't. I really wanted to. The chips, the brownies, the sausage. I wanted it all, and I worry what will happen when I can have it all again. I still have a ways to go as I divorce some of the foods I love so much.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Feeling Fantastic!
I have been trying to walk a little bit - yesterday I think I did about a half a mile. It was a lot - took a lot out of me, but it's a start. I would love to join a gym this year - as a family - but I'm not sure our finances can take that hit just yet.
This is a definite adjustment for me in the food department. I think this is probably the only way I could divorce myself from the foods I should no longer be eating. I am not physically hungry - that is not the problem. But I literally have to stay out of the kitchen right now. For some reason we have a ton of food in our house right now and it is all calling to me. The delicious food that friends are bringing over for D and the kids, the left over pizza, the cookies, heck - even the toaster taunts me! And I simply can not have them right now even if I wanted to. My new pouch of a stomach is still healing from surgery - if I were to try to eat those things it would be a bad bad thing.
Last night D went to bed early and after the kids went to bed it was like I didn't know what to do with myself. That is usually the time that I eat. No one is looking at me to tell me I don't really need that - no one is giving me "the look". I can eat whatever I want and however much I want. I found myself pacing in the kitchen last night! I just wanted a taste! What is wrong with me? This is ridiculous! I can't eat these things - I just plain can't. This "tool" of WLS has allowed me to by-pass my will power. I have to play by the rules - I can't cheat. There are very specific boundaries for me now. And hopefully by living within those imposed boundaries I can retrain myself to eat better, to exercise, to live life better. Not just for me, but for my family, too.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Food Addiction
Brain Chemistry
Combinations of foods in the blood trigger effects very similar to alcohol.
By Robert Lefever, MD, BChir, and Marie Shafe, EdD
All of us like to “look right” and “feel right”. We may not have a clear image of what is right, but we may be very clear that we do not like the way we look or the way we feel at the present time. Yet, when we change we may not be as satisfied as we thought we would be with the end result. We may find that our newfound satisfaction does not last very long because we find it extraordinarily difficult to maintain our new behavior and self-image. We feel ashamed of ourselves for being so “weak-willed” and the whole desperate search for perfect control begins all over again. The intensity of this process varies enormously from one person to another. Some people are more or less content with themselves the way they are and do not feel any great need for change. Most people would like to change a bit – be slimmer, more fit or more attractive – and there are times when they make a determined effort in these directions. But there are some people whose lives become dominated by these quests to be slimmer, more fit, attractive or not to eat so much. We refer to these people as having “eating disorders”, although that really describes the end result rather than the cause, which is a “feeling disorder”. The true nature of these eating/feeling disorders is that we crave something “out there” to change the feeling “in here”. Out there may be a substance such as sugar, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, amphetamines, tranquilizers or a compulsive process such as bingeing or starving, spending, risk-taking, exercising or even another person. Anything or anybody may help alter moods and feeling. But some things “work” particularly well. These particular substances, processes or relationships are used to excess to an increasingly destructive degree until they are addictive.
Addictive Disease.
There is a lot of confusion and fear surrounding the word addiction. Examining this substance or process as an addictive disease takes away the sense of shame and allows us to look at addictive craving or addictive behavior with the same concern and understanding that we should bring to any other clinical condition. However, this does not take away the responsibility for behavior and recovery. There is increasing evidence that compulsive behavior runs in families or may be genetic. Anorexia nervosa, for example, is seven times more common in some families than in the general population. Addiction disease, for many, seems increasingly likely to be part of “the way we are”. People who suffer from addictive disease often find that is has several outlets. Closing one outlet – for example, to stop drinking alcohol – may open another outlet – such as nicotine.
Food as a Drug.
People often imagine that food addictions are particularly difficult because food cannot be given up in the way that someone suffering from alcoholism can give up alcohol. In fact, the “drugs” of eating disorders are sugar, white flour, and other refined carbohydrates. The sheer quantities of sugars and refined carbohydrates consumed today by the average individual in the developed world is vast compared to what our bodies were designed to cope with or ingest. There is evidence that major “modern” diseases including heart disease, cancer, kidney failure, pancreatic disease and gallbladder disease are linked to high consumption of sugar and refined carbohydrates.
Sugar and refined carbohydrates may be simply foods to most people, just as alcohol is simply a drink. For people with or predisposed to addictive disease, however, these are drugs. They have a significant mood-altering effect through their direct action on the “mood centers” of the brain in addition to the calories and other nutritional elements they provide. Once the mood centers are stimulated in any way by the first use of an addictive substance or process, the addictive cravings will set in and the full addictive process sets off. For the eating disordered individual, there are two major concerns relative to the food substance: 1). The disorder of neurotransmitter in the brain center stimulated by the agents of sugar and white flour, and 2) fat grams which are more pound-inducing than sugar. A close look reveals that refined carbohydrates and white flour are 20 percent as potent as refined sugar in their mood-altering properties.
Feeling Disorders.
Earlier, we mentioned that eating disorders are really “feeling disorders” because of the desire to “mood-alter” from such feelings as depression, shame, control and fear of abandonment and rejection. Sugar and white flour stimulate an increase in the transmission of dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine. As the synapses become flooded with these neurotransmitters, a feeling of euphoria results and craving is stimulated. As these three neurochemicals increase in supply at the synapses, there is a decrease in the needed neurotransmitter to fill receptors as receptors continue to be produced.
We now find a brain transmitter deficiency. The sugar and white flour have blocked the recycling of neurotransmitter dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. The net effect of continued, long-term use is to increase the level of “breakdown products”. These products break down dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine and decrease the supply of needed neurotransmitters. In other words, they scramble the production, release and recycle process in the hypothalamus. Since the hypothalamus is the center for emotional and ingestive behavior, one’s mood and craving become like an out of control “roller coaster”. One actually becomes intoxicated by the sugar, white flour and other refined carbohydrates as they act as alcohol in the blood system and hypothalamus.
When insufficient amounts of neurotransmitter are produced and released and receptor sites are left unfilled, the result becomes feelings of craving, distress and depression. This process is similar to that presented for chemical dependency by researchers, Blum, Trachtenberg, and Kozlowski. They indicate this condition may result from a genetic irregularity, or effects of stress, drug abuse or food deprivation. We believe it also results from the intake of sugar and white flour. The state of euphoria resulting from a surge of serotonin or dopamine is often followed by hyperexcitability and feelings of shame, abandonment and worthlessness. Neurotransmitter deficits are restored by the removal of sugar, white flour and other refined carbohydrate from the diet.
Addictive properties.
The addictive properties of sugar and white flour continue to be ignored just as the relation between high blood pressure, heart disease, circulatory disease, kidney failure, cancer and other diseases and what we eat and how much are ignored. There is a correlation between the death rates compiled by the National Center of Health Statistics and the trend in sugar and fat-laden foods recorded by the Department of Agriculture. We find that it takes an increasing frequency and amount of sugar, white flour and other refined carbohydrates to induce the desired high or euphoric state. The food addict develops a high tolerance for volume until a crash occurs due to health difficulties and the increased imbalance of neurotransmitter and receptors in the brain center.
Giving up sugar and white flour and replacing them with whole grain/whole wheat and the natural sugar in fruit is easier said than done. There are many forms of sugar. Manufacturers hide sugar in processed and fast foods. They know that adding sugar gets consumers hooked on sugar-additive foods.
There is also a distinct withdrawal when one stops eating sugar and white flour. This is true because systems must detox from these addictive substances. These symptoms include: dizziness, headaches, extreme irritability, insomnia, restlessness, mental disorientation, forgetting and a growing inner emptiness or depression that led to the addiction in the first place. These symptoms gradually taper off after about 10 days. The food addict may experience occasional cravings later on when we are under emotional distresses of one kind or another, but the withdrawal symptoms are gone for good.
Withdrawal.
Special caution is necessary during the withdrawal period as the urge to self-medicate with sugar, white flour and other refined carbohydrates will heighten. Depression or anxiety motivates one toward food for comfort or reward – to feel better. Sugar increases the amount of brain chemical serotonin for a quick high or fix. Milk, fresh vegetables and whole grains increase the supply of serotonin as well but at a much slower, natural rate. You may ask, “Is alcohol a refined carbohydrate?”. Yes, it is the ultimate refined carbohydrate. It is unsafe for sufferers from eating disorders to drink alcohol. Even if they never had problems with alcohol, they increase the risk of blocking or interfering with neurotransmitter balance and restimulating the eating disorder. Correspondingly, sufferers from alcoholism are well advised to give up sugar and white flour because they will act to restimulate an imbalance of the neurotransmitter.
In 1971, Roger Williams of Loma Linda University conducted an experiment where a diet high in sugar and white flour produced a marked preference for alcohol. Williams concluded that alcoholism is, to a large extent, a metabolic disorder exacerbated by sugar and white flour.
A common fear is that food addicts will have to give up all things they enjoy. These justifications and rationalizations are a major mental characteristic of addictive disease. They want to fantasize about substances, processes or relationships that put the joy and meaning into their lives. One unexpected pleasure is beginning to enjoy food and mealtimes for perhaps the first time. Gone are the cravings, the dining table strategy of how little or how much to stake away, and the shame. They can experience the actual taste of food, enjoy conversation and move toward serenity.
Recovery is an everyday process. It means first giving up sugar and white flour, then attending 12-step meetings regularly and working a program of recovery.
The Diet Myth.
It is evident that diets do not work. If they did, they would not produce a multi-billion dollar industry each year. If they did, we would not see the proliferation of the “New Miracle Diets” or “New Seven Day Wonder Diets”. Diets and diet pills do not work because they only offer ways to temporarily suppress the appetite. This can be done just as well by consuming lemon juice and water. The only thing that will really address the issue here is the focus upon the restoration of the deficit or imbalance of the neurotransmitter-receptor process.
The real issue is that recovery from eating disorders is a process of acknowledging the intoxicating effects of sugar, white flour and other refined carbohydrates along with the spiritual process. The spiritual process is working on the development of the human spirit, allowing for the rekindling of hope, love, trust, self-appreciation and all the other intangible dimensions that make life so worthwhile. These are the very things that addictive disease suppresses. The distortions of body image (thinking that one looks dramatically different from what in reality one does look like) are a major feature of eating disorders. This provides further evidence that the disease and its recovery must have an essential spiritual component.
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This is a lot for even me to take in. I am definitely in the withdrawal phase right now. I actually fantasize about bread right now. I come from a long line of highly addictive personalities. Food is definitely my addiction - I do turn to it for so much. This explains a lot for me - gives me so much to think about.