Weighty Secrets

Have you heard of the website http://www.postsecrets.com/?  People can anonymously post their secrets on this website.  It's rather cathartic for those posting, and it's some great therapy for those of us reading it as well.

So a new website has been put out there by the most wonderful Melting Mama herself (who has also brought us the fabulous Bariatric Bad Girls Club), called Weighty Secrets (http://www.weightysecrets.com/). This is a place where people can post secret submissinos about life after weight loss surgery.  To quote Melting Mama ...

A lot of people who undergo weight loss surgery are told that having the surgery would be a cure for a their fat "disease" and life. After the honeymoon period of weight loss wears off - and the reality sets in - what then? This blog will give you a peek into the real life of WLS patients and those around them.


Life after weight loss surgery is filled with doubts, concerns and often? Secrets. Send yours.

As y'all know - I love my RNY.  I have a much different life than I did just 18 months ago.  But I am leaving that magic window and settling down into "normal".  Normal is never what you thought it was going to be.  I have tried my best to use the magic window to make the necessary changes in my life to make sure that this time "it sticks", but it's still a struggle.  I often feel like I'm still living in the fat me - still dealing with all the same feelings and responses I had before.  Reading this site has been immensely helpful for me on several levels.  One to realize that I'm not alone - others have gone before me - and have done it successfully.  If I'm willing to be taught - I can learn from them.  Two to remind myself that I can not be complacent about this - not now - not ever.  There is too much at stake.  I can't ... no I won't ... go back.

Ramblings ....

So I keep thinking "I'm going to blog about that ..." and then it doesn't turn into much to talk about.  So excuse me if this blog is rambling a bit - just a bunch of things going on in my head.

So I'm now 13 months out from surgery.  I have been stuck playing with the same few pounds since September.  I had to stop running when I had the vertigo problems and the ear surgery.  It took me a while to get back into a good running routine with how cold it has been here.  I have a hard time running in the cold - my old asthma rears it's ugly head then.  I am now back into a good running and exercise routine in order to meet my running goals for 2010.  But I am still stuck at the same weight. Frustrating.

I had my 1 year follow up appointment with my doctor.  He was happy with my progress but would like to see me loose another 20 pounds.  I, personally, would like to loose another 30 pounds.  I have come so far - I find it hard to believe I can't loose this last 30 pounds.  So I have recommitted myself to tracking my calories and my exercise on http://www.livestrong.com/ (they took over The Daily Plate).  I am trying to stick to 1100-1200 net calories a day.  I am easily able to eat about 1500 or so calories a day.  That is really wreaking havoc with my brain.  This part won't make sense to some of you.  I know that is a normal amount of calories to be taking in - possibly even still pretty low.  But it scares me.  I'm afraid to take in too much more than that in a day.  The fact that I haven't lost weight in 3 or so months scares me.  I am not ready to be done and I am afraid of going in the other direction.  I have actually started dreaming about it - waking up and I'm up over 200 pounds and I'm so mad and afraid and disappointed.

And there are some days I think Kanga has become made of steel - I can eat a lot of things I couldn't before - I can take in more than I could before.  I don't like that.  I don't want to go back to "normal".  And then there are some days that she reminds me that she is still in charge and I can't get more than a couple of bites of anything or I dump on something that hasn't caused me to dump in the past.

I did get my hand slapped at my 1 year follow up with Dr. Enochs.  I am not good at the vitamin regimine.  And for no good reason - just not good at it.  So I really need to get on top of that pretty quickly here.  I am going to have some bloodwork run soon and that should give us an idea of what the impact of that truly is.

Some other things that have been rearing their ugly heads now that I am a year out:  I have been having some off and on pain my abdomen.  Sometimes it's breath-taking pain - sometimes it's just an ache.  I talked to Dr. Enochs about it and he has a couple of different concerns that can be common after gastric bypass.  One is scar tissue.  I have had quite a few abdominal surgeries - 2 c-sections, an open hysterectomy, an open gallbladder removal, and some laparascopic surgeries.  So I most likely have quite a bit of scar tissue - that could be catching or kind of strangulating my intestines.  Something else that is common is that you can get an internal hernia once all the fat that used to hold things in place is gone.  So what do we do about it?  The only way to tell if the pain I'm having is one of these two things is to have surgery - there's no test that will tell them definitively if one of these things is what is happening.  It's a fine line to when we decide to do something about it - right now it doesn't normally interfere with daily life, but it could happen over night and become something that needs to be taken care of immediately.  So the approach we are taking right now is "watchful waiting".  We shall see.

I have also started having some reactive hypoglycemia symptoms.  I haven't had that officially checked out, but it looks like that is what I am dealing with - drops in blood sugar that make me weak and shaky, etc...  From what I can track it appears to be reactive which means I should be able to control it with what I am eating and how often I eat.  I plan on talking to my doctor about it when I see him next week.

I see my doctor next week to get fitted for orthotics for my running shoes.  I seem to have developed bursitis in my left foot and I don't want anything to distract me from my goals for running this year.

Speaking of running goals - I have already raised $500 for my Polar Plunge after the 2010 Torch Run.  I can't believe I have raised that much money!  I am looking forward to that run and will be sure to post pictures of of the craziness that ensues.

So thanks for listening to me ramble on and on.  I just had a bunch of things on my mind and no clear way to get them all out, but getting them out on this blog really is cathartic.

Biggest Loser

I am a big fan of The Biggest Loser. I haven't always been a fan. When it first came on I saw a few episodes, but I just couldn't get into it. And I know why - there was just something wrong about sitting in front of the TV eating Doritos and watching others work their butts off and losing tons of weight. I just didn't want to be reminded of what I wasn't doing for myself.

But once my head was in the right place and I myself was losing weight I became a huge fan of the show. That was just this past season. And I quickly became a HUGE fan of Daniel. For several reasons. The first being that I felt he had the desire - had come to that mental place of making the big changes in his life that were so desperately needed - and I felt bad that his partner (David) had not come to that same place and was proving to be a hinderance in his journey. The second reason I was a huge fan is because I kina felt like I knew him! Daniel went to my kids school (my kids attend a small Christian school) - we had seen him on campus - everyone knew who Daniel was. So he was the hometown kid and even though he didn't know me - I felt like I knew him (though I realize I really didn't). My kids also recognized him and we quickly began to cheer him on.

We were super excited to find out that he had been given a second chance on this latest season of the show. His humble attitude and gracious spirit led him to choose Shay as his partner - he identified with being the heaviest contestant on the show. (On a side note - how does losing 17 pounds in one week earn you the privelege of getting voted off?!?!?! Seriously? So wrong!)

So we were so disappointed when he got voted off the show last night - just 2 pounds shy of losing 200 pounds! He has accomplished so much and even though we really don't know him - feel a sense of pride in his awesome accomplishments.

At the end of the episode they did the "reveal" of the ousted players. They showed Daniel going home and re-uniting with his family. They also showed him re-uniting with his friend, David, from the previous season. David is obviously still struggling with his weight. When Daniel asked him where his head was with his weight his response was ""I've got other things going on that are more important to me right now," he told Daniel. "I'm overweight, yeah I'm a big guy... I don't feel unhealthy. So when that changes, then I'll start losing it."

I just started to cry when he said that. That is exactly where I was at one time. I had other priorities. I had small children that took up all my time. I had a career that I was trying to move up in. I didn't "feel" unhealthy. I also recently saw an interview that Ellen did with Mo'nique where she addressed her recent weight loss. She said she started out at 262 pounds and that at that weight when she looked at herself naked in the mirror she didn't see anything wrong with herself - she saw a sex kitten - full of life and vitality.

I did all the same things ... for years. I wouldn't do Weight Watchers. I wouldn't entertain surgery. I knew that I was not mentally ready. And to cover I convinced myself that I was OK with who I was and how fat I was. I was a good person. I was a nice person. I was outgoing and I had lots of friends. I chose to ignore a lot of things. I chose to ignore my high blood pressure that had me taking 3 different pills. I chose to ignore the SEVERE sleep apnea I had that impaired my sleep as well as my body's ability to regenerate, etc.... I chose to ignore my high levels of triglycerides, my high cholesterol, my insulin resistance, my not-so-gradual path to type 2 diabetes, my inability to breathe going up stairs, the fact that all of my doctors were concerned about my health, the fact that my children couldn't sit on my lap - or rather my lack of lap.

I knew that I needed to loose the weight - but I also knew that I wasn't ready. I knew that any effort to do it would be totally unfruitful until my mind caught up with what my body was screaming at me. So seeing David say that totally brought me back - seeing him in such denial about his need to change broke my heart. But to be honest - until he's ready - he won't be able to do it. And it's obvious he's not ready. This battle is as much a mental battle as it is a physical battle. Dealing with my issues and going through this divorce from food was one of the most difficult mental battles I have ever been through.

So I am praying for the renewing of David's mind and healing of his heart. I know that his friend Daniel will be there to help him along the way when he is ready.

And thank you for being such an inspiration, Daniel. Not only to me and to my family, but to all of those who's hearts you have touched through your appearance on The Biggest Loser.

Food and Feelings

I see a wonderful therapist and she has been helping me with this after-WLS world I am in. She has me going through a book called "The Food and Feelings Workbook". It is by Karen Koenig. I highly recommend this book for anyone who struggles with their relationship with food - whether it's turning to it for comfort, or trying to control it by denying yourself of it - this book is great. The basic tenant of this book is that "accepting your emotions, however painful they are, is the key not only to ending dysfunctional eating but also to achieving the health, happiness, success, and deep satisfaction about life you want and deserve." Going through this book has been a big wake up call for me about how I use food to avoid certain feelings. It's not just a comfort to me - the food and eating it is comforting - but I seek the comfort so that I don't have to feel things I don't want to feel. Do you find yourself doing this, too? Here are some guidelines that Karen Koenig has in her book:

1. First, acknowledge that, as a person who intentionally and regularly rejects or consumes food to distract from feeling, you most likely have a negative view of uncomfortable emotions.


2. Second, identify exactly what you believe about emotions.


3. Third, make a conscious, ongoing effort to change your beliefs.

Acceptance does not mean letting them run you ragged or having a field day with other people. Nor does it imply that you must like having unsettling and sometimes acutely wounding emotions. it merely requires that you acknowledge the hurt and give unpleasant feelings the right to come and go, just as you do the pleasant ones.

If you want to end disordered eating, you have to break the link between feelings and food.

If you're a dysfunctional eater who turns toward food when you're feeling bad, it tastes good in part because you're desperately looking for ways to ward off the blues, the blahs, the jitters. ... Another reason that food tastes good for people who view it as a panacea is that it's meant to be eaten so that our species will survive and flourish. Food is supposed to be appetizing and appealing, delectable and divine. So when you bite into a juicy apple or a buttery croissant, it's no surprise that your taste buds cheer wildly. They're happy even if you're not. But just because something tastes good doesn't mean you should be eating it, especially if the real business at hand is
attending to emotions.

Science has come a long way in understanding the complexities of appetite and affect. Research tells us that under stress our bodies crave carbohydrates, which have chemical properties to soothe and relax us, just as milk did in infancy. not only does food taste heavenly, it's also a source of what we're physiologically lacking in moments of distress. Take carbohydrates whose chemical compounds break down in our bodies in such a way as to calm and comfort us. Food does this job extremely well - too well!

She talks about the physical manifestation of emotions - takes you through exercises to help you recognize those physical manifestations - things such as:

• dry throat


• fatigue


• shortness of breath


• queasiness


• racing pulse


• flushing


• inability to focus or concentrate


• butterflies in your stomach


• pounding heart


• a lump in your throat


• tightness or hollowness in your chest


• constriction around your eyes

She says "To become a whole, healthy person, you have to stop trying to avoid feeling badly and welcome all your emotions without judgment, no matter what they are."

I have been known as the Queen of Denial. I like to camp out there often. It's really quite comfortable there, and I tend to find an unending supply of cookie dough when I need it. I also like to point out to other people when they are visiting that great land. I know because I am the Queen and I can recognize it easily in others.

Karen Koenig identifies the 7 most difficult feelings for disordered eaters. They are:

1. Guilt - Practically every dysfunctional eater is other-oriented, a caretaker, a do-gooder, has an overly-developed sense of responsibility, and rarely (if ever) believes she is doing enough. Because they are people pleasers and feel naughty or selfish when they do things for themselves, their self care is only fair to poor. The major way they take care of themselves is - you guessed it - through food.


2. Shame - Disordered eating may be a way to maintain the shame they unconsciously think they ought to feel or are used to feeling.


3. Helplessness - Occurs when there is nothing we can do. It underlies many feelings - frustration, impatience, anger, and anxiety. Something terrible is going to happen and I can't do a damned thing about it! Many disordered eaters combat their helplessness by taking action, usually in the form of micromanaging their food intake or consuming every morsel in sight.


4. Anxiety - People who eat to sooth their nerves. These individuals are anxious about what they did yesterday and about what they're going to do tomorrow.


5. Disappointment - Chronic disappointment can lead people to believe that they don't deserve to have positive expectations and outcomes in life. Wanting causes them to feel needy and so they deny their genuine desires. Because it's too scary to have expectations of themselves or of other people, they turn to something that's predictable and always in good supply - food. When an emotional eater suffers the letdown of disappointment, food picks them up, at least for a while.


6. Confusion - It runs rampant in a population of eaters who are out of touch with their physical needs and wants. They're not sure whether they're really hungry or deserve to eat, what they should eat, when they're full, what they ought to look like, and what they should weigh. Most of their confusion is about the concept of enough in numerous areas of their lives. What drives their confusion is the desperate urge to find out what's right so they won't fail or make mistakes. Because it's difficult to tolerate the tension created by vague, mixed or conflicting feelings, they often give up and instead take a stroll down a supermarket aisle or focus on numbers, which are sharp and clear - on a scale or food package.


7. Loneliness - A soul killer - no wonder lonely people seek solace in food! When disordered eaters feel this depth of loneliness, they're desperate to bond with something, anything - to merely feel alive.

You will begin to realize your dreams when you allow your emotions to speak to you, when you listen carefully to what they have to say, and when you make conscious choices based on authentic feelings couples with sound judgment. To do this, however, you must become conversant with the language that emotions speak - and that's often the language of pain.

People who allow themselves to experience their heartache and learn from it lead happy, successful lives, whereas people who run from emotional pain end up unhappy and unfulfilled.

So I think the feelings that stand out for me are Helplessness, Anxiety, Disappointment, and sometimes Loneliness.

There are so many things in this life that I have learned I have absolutely no control over. It makes me feel helpless - I don't like not having control (as I have talked about in earlier blogs). Eating gives me a sense of control - and it also feels very good. Problem is - when I have binged to give myself the feeling of control - I only end up feeling more out of control. Why did I do that?

I totally eat to soothe my nerves. This is still a problem for me. I had a disturbing appointment last week and as I was driving back to work I found myself screaming in the car "I just want a freakin' cheeseburger, damn it!" I passed an Arby's (which I love) and I just wanted to pull in for a roast beef sandwich and some curly fries! Make it go away!

Ah yes, Disappointment. Somehow in my twisted mind I have convinced myself that my favorite foods never disappoint me. They are always there for me when I need them - always providing the comfort I seek. When someone doesn't treat me the way I feel I deserve to be treated - food does - it makes me feel so good. But how twisted is that? It disappoints me every time - every pound I put on because of it.

I have had those moments of strolling down the supermarket aisles - searching for my comfort. I have found myself going faster and faster - not even knowing what I'm looking for - just knowing that I will know it when I find it. It could be some cookie dough - maybe brownie mix or frosting - or how about that Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream - or it could be something salty like Doritos or a sausage egg and cheese biscuit. I have even found myself standing in front of my pantry or refrigerator in the middle of the night after a stressful confrontation or a fight with my husband. I'm tired of the conflict and I am tired of feeling this way - give me some food to make it go away.

And having de-carbed since surgery - I can so see how carbs do affect my feelings. The few times that I have had some small carb with what I am eating since surgery have nearly sent me on an eating binge again. I can't even describe it! It just feels so good! I know that this surgery is the only way for me to divorce food. I can't binge anymore - I get sick - very ill - it downright hurts. In fact, there are days that eating is a downright chore.

Karen Koenig gives some great techniques for slowing down - recognizing the physical manifestations of our emotions and feelings - deep breathing that helps you become more in tune with what your body is trying to tell you.

So how is your relationship with food? Are you obsessed with it? Or are you using it the way it should be used? Have you learned to live with your feelings? Do you turn to food or to something else to not have to deal with those feelings? Do you have feelings which you have deemed "bad"? Why do we think emotions in and of themselves are bad? They were given to us by our creator for a reason. We should not ignore them or push them aside - we need to get to the root of the emotions and discern what they are telling us so that we can move on.

Keep Moving Forward

I have long attested that the greatest Disney movie of all time is Meet the Robinsons. I watched it with the kids again tonight and I am again reminded of what a great movie this is!

I love the messages in this movie. "Let go of the past and keep moving forward." Wouldn't we all be wise to shake off our mis-steps and keep moving forward? So many times we let something in our past control our present - possibly even our future? Grudges, regrets, something we feel that has shaped who and what we are now - feeling as though we are completely held captive to that thing.

My favorite scene in the movie is when Lewis tries to fix a machine that will make peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches automatically, but something goes horribly wrong and there is peanut butter and jelly EVERYWHERE. Wilbur and the rest of the Robinson family applaud and hail Lewis. "You failed!" They celebrate his failure. He is completely stunned and confused. One of the family members says "From failure you learn; from success, not so much."

This film also stresses the importance of owning up to our mistakes. Admitting when you have made a mistake - owning up to it and the subsequent consequences.

I want so much for my children to see this - that it's OK to fail - you don't always do everything right - and when we screw up we learn huge lessons. I want them to learn that they have to own their mistakes in order to learn from them. I want them to learn to let go of the past (and all the hurts that may be associated with it) and to keep moving forward. Living in the past only brings guilt. Fearing the future only brings anxiety.

I have had my share of failures. I feel like I am finally owning the mistakes that got me to this point. I hope that making this change in my life while my children are young will show them that I do see how much I have to live for - how much I want to make ammends for this "epic fail" in my life - letting myself get this heavy. In doing so - I have to make peace with my past - let it go - and keep moving forward.

I also love the song that Rob Thomas sings as the theme for this movie. It's called Little Wonders.

Here are the lyrics:

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over

let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders t
hese twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain






Thanks for indulging me while I pontificate a bit. :)

Oy!

So I went back to work today. It actually went very well. I felt really good this morning other than being kinda tired because I couldn't fall asleep last night. I'm not sure what that was all about - wide awake until just afte 1am. Doesn't bode well for a 5:30 alarm clock.

I did fine at work - didn't get done as much as I wanted to, but I stayed busy. I tried my first protein bullet. It's a 3 ounce drink with a lot of protein in it. The one I tried had 42 grams of protein in it. It was orange flavored. Not fantastic - but OK. Took me 3 hours to drink 3 ounces. I found I liked it very cold. I also had about half of a jello-snack pack for lunch. And sipped on my water and juice throughout the day. That's a day in life of clear liquids for me!

Tomorrow I get to graduate to full liquids! That means milk, protein shakes, smooth low fat yogurt (like vanilla or lemon - not anything with fruit in it), strained creamy soups, and sugar free pudding. I am a bit excited let me tell you. I have found a wonderful website that has been a life saver for me of late. It is www.bariatriceating.com. When I came home from the hospital I started to have a little bit of "buyers remorse" so to speak. I felt like I would never be able to eat anything that I liked or that tasted good ever again! This web site showed me that there were so many things that I could do with what little I could eat right now. There are a bunch of recipes for all the different food phases. For instance - I found a great quick and easy recipe for a potato soup involving chicken broth and Idahoan dehydrated potato flakes and grated parmesan cheese. I am going to make it for dinner tomorrow - I can't wait. The site has great products that you can order - specifically designed for bariatric patients. It also has a fantastic support forum and message board site. There are RN's, licensed nutritionists, and veterans of WLS moderating the boards. One of the boards is devoted totally to recipes! There are some great ideas on how to make your protein shakes taste better, how to get more protein into your every day foods, and is in general a huge encouragement to those who have decided to make this huge life change. Even if you haven't had WLS - it's worth a gander just for the recipes alone. If you're looking for high protein, low fat and low carb recipes - you will be amazed at the yummy stuff you will find at this site.

So in my excitement about going to full liquids tomorrow I decided I would brave the grocery store with my list in hand after work. I think that was the straw that broke the camels back! I was doing good, but as I was pushing the cart and walking around Harris Teeter I got so achy in my belly (still kinda swollen and tender). Going grocery shopping is a new adventure for me. I have to read all the nutritional and ingredient information on everything! It took me what felt like forever to get about 20 items. I want to get sugar free of a lot of things, but I have to look and be sure there is no aspartame in it. A lot of yogurts are sweetened with aspartame or NutraSweet. I need to check the ingredients to be sure - looking for sucralose or Splenda instead. Or something may say "light", but still has sugar in it. I can't have sugar at all yet, so i really need to pay attention. I'm not interested in testing my dumping ground just yet.

So I will be going to bed when the kids do this evening. I am absolutely exhausted. I am looking forward to tomorrow. I get to have Carnation Instant Breakfast for breakfast! And I am packing some yogurt for lunch. Most of all I can't wait to try the potato soup concoction for dinner. I now have to start recording everything I eat, so I also picked up a small notebook to start journaling my eating. I need to keep track of how many grams of protein I take in and start to work towards getting 80 - 100 grams of protein in a day. I also want to keep an eye on calories and carbs. I also need to start paying attention to when I drink and when I eat. I have to stop drinking 30 minutes before I eat, and can't resume drinking until 30 minutes after I eat.

Something else that I see starting to happen is I'm becoming a tad emotional. I've been forwarned about this. Fat cells actually store and hold on to hormones. As the fat cells shrink they release the hormones back into the body. It can be kind of a wild ride with the hormones. I have found myself a couple of times today crying over seemingly simple things. Now if you were to ask D he would say that's not so unusual, but it is a little odd feeling for me. One time I got all verklempt as I was thinking about a comment that someone made to me about how I was taking back control of my life. Yeah, in a way I am. But in a way I feel like I am cleaning up this temple so I can give it back to God. Control - an ongoing theme in my life. I like it - I want it - I have to have it. And yet as a Christian I am to yield - no release! control in my life to my Savior. A big AH HA! moment for me this past summer that I feel led to my decision to pursue WLS was when I realized that I was working exceptionally hard at controlling a lot of things in the lives of the people around me. My husband, my children, my family, my friends. Why am I so concerned about making sure that my son gets his homework done on my terms? Who's homework is it? It's not my homework. If he doesn't get it done it's his problem - not mine. That realization (and the subsequent release of that control back to my son - which actually worked wonders! He does his homework all on his own! Who knew?) led me to see that I wanted to control all of these outside things because I had no control over my own life - specifically in the area of my weight. Being controlling works for me to some extent - I am a Project Manager - I need to control many details of a moving project - I'm pretty good at it. But I couldn't apply those same principles to myself personally. What a disconnect. And now here I am shedding a few tears again. Hormones, gotta love 'em. I guess the point of this hormonal rant is this: May I ever live in submission to my Savior. He is the one who is in control. He deserves a better temple from me.