Still ...

So I am still having problems with Kanga. She just seems to never be happy. The steroids don't seem to have worked. If I don't refund the Roo and manage to keep everything down - I have awful foamies and I am in pain for several hours afterwards - even liquids can do this to me now. It's kind of hit or miss. But I am miserable. Yesterday I was actually at -147 calories for the day because I went hiking. I am so tired because I am hardly getting any calories in. And because I am hardly taking anything in my body is holding on to every ounce of it so I haven't lost any weight this week.

So I called my surgeon today to let them know that the steroids didn't seem to work, etc... The nurse called me back and had me call the GI Doc and get in with them. I called the GI doc and they can't see me until next Friday. WWWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I was assured I wouldn't die staying on liquids until then. Yes, thank you, I realize I have enough fat to sustain me for quite some time. But that is just the consult. That isn't actually correcting the problem!

SSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - here I sit playing Russian Roulette with my food for another 8 days.

On another note - I kinda had a WOW moment today. I had to take my daughter to the doctor for a rash she has. My whole family sees one family doctor. I love him - Dr. Bloom. He is da bomb! Anyway - he hasn't seen me since I was trying to get my paperwork together for surgery. So he walked in and he got this huge smile and said "Did you have the surgery?" Yes, 6 weeks ago. He told me he could tell and that he thought I looked great and he was very excited for me. But the best was he couldn't believe my blood pressure was already under control. He checked it and it was phenomenal as usual. Yeah Me!

Stricture

So after a few days of misery I was able to get in to see Dr. Enochs today. Gotta tell ya - that man's smile makes it all OK. :)

Anyway - I have been having a lot of difficulty eating lately. Liquids stay down, but I am sore after I drink. Soft foods - well that is hit or miss. Sometimes Kanga refunds the Roo. When she does that has not been pretty - have had blood come up with it, etc... If the Roo stays down I am in pain for hours.

Dr. Enochs thinks that I may be working on a stricture in the area where my new stomach (a.k.a. Kanga) attaches to my intestines. Because I'm only 5 weeks out from surgery - it could just be swelling having to do with healing and not necessarily scar tissue. He wants to wait and let me heal a bit more before trying to go in there with endoscopy to fix things. He doesn't like to go in before 2 months has passed. So he gave me a script for some steroids to see if that shrinks things and makes it easier for me. I am to do the steroids for a few days and go back to liquids, and then try to advance to soft foods and see what happens. If I am still having trouble at the end of February then they will have me see the GI doc for an endoscopy. If things get worse before then they will address it. He would just like to give me a few more weeks if possible.

I hope that the steroids work. Not being able to eat and being in pain a lot of the time is getting really old.

GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

I usually take stupid comments by stupid people in stride. (I know some of you are reading this and totally laughing at me and thinking "Pam? Seriously?") But I realize that most people have no idea how WLS works. Many people consider it the "easy way out". And part of why I started this blog was to help educate friends and family (and cyber stalkers) about this process and journey. So I do understand that there are a lot of misconceptions out there about this whole thing.

But today - someone's comment to me has really stuck in my craw! UGH! We were in the kitchen at work and she was asking me how I was doing (everyone at work knows I have had this surgery). Her son-in-law is considering this surgery and she keeps checking in with me to see how it's going. A frequent question I get is "Are you able to eat real food yet?" That one always gets me. Well most food I put in my mouth is real - what kind of food do you eat? Never mind - that is just the dry humor of my Father coming out in me. So I was telling her some of the things I can eat now that I am in the pureed/soft food stage. So she mentions that her son-in-law "needs to get his act together soon or he's gonna have to do this the hard way by watching what he eats and exercising."

Yeah - so I made a real conscious effort not to beat her down.

As politely as I could I told her that if he chose to have surgery he would have to watch what he eats EVEN MORE than if he hadn't had surgery. I have never been so conscious about what I am putting in my mouth in all my life! I count calories, I count fat grams, I count carbs, and protein and ounces of water. I have cut out virtually all sugar from my diet. And exercise - I exercise a lot! This is a lifestyle change people - that's not cliche. Doing what I have always done will NOT get me anywhere different. I have to change everything about how I was living if I want this to be a permanenet and life altering change. People who don't abide by these new rules do not succeed. They are the ones that your friends will whisper to you about ... "My aunt had her stomach stapled, but now she put all the weight back on" ... I did not go through all of this to keep living the same way. I knew there had to be changes - major changes - this surgery has helped me to make those changes and helps me to stick by them. With a regular "diet" you can cheat - you can have that one candy bar - those 2 cookies - that bite of ice cream. I can't. This surgery ensures that I don't cheat. I don't eat too much, I don't eat too fast, and I don't eat what my body cannot absorb and process well.

So let me assure all of you out there that may be reading this thinking that I took the easy way out - this was anything but easy. You still have to watch what you eat - even more so now than ever. You don't want to put something in your mouth that will make you dump. You can't eat too much or you will puke. You have to go through a lot of stages while your new pouch heals with clear liquids, full liquids, pureed foods, soft foods. You have to be sure to get a certain amount of protein, and fluid in each day. And you still need to exercise - that needs to become part of your daily routine. It helps the weight come off - it helps it stay off - it helps your body heal - it helps your energy levels - it helps with extra skin. WLS is a tool for those looking to loose a lot of weight. A tool. Not a magical wand. More like a sledge hammer or a chisel. Be careful with both.

YUMMY!

So today was full liquids day! YEAH! I had a Carnation Instant Breakfast first thing this morning. YUM! Chocolate! WOO HOO! I got to have Lemon Meringue Pie Yogurt for lunch - it took me an hour to eat it - but I got it all in. And this evening I made Potato Soup with a little cheese added in - OH YEAH! That was the best. It was so good - so good - so good! In between meals I have had some high protein snacks - like protein bullets and protein shakes. I have started journaling everything I eat. I carry my fun pink journal with me everywhere. I record what I'm eating - how much protein, carbs, fat, and calories are in it. I am noticing hunger, but also noticing fullness. The hunger isn't bad - it's OK to be hungry.

I am watching The Biggest Loser tonight. I've never actually watched it before. I have lots of friends who love it and watch it all the time. I wouldn't watch it before because I simply didn't want to be constantly reminded of what I wasn't doing for myself. But I'm ready now.

I've had a little bit of pain today - not as bad as last night. I'm trying to rest and that seems to help. I'm hoping it won't be raining tomorrow and if it's not I hope to walk as much as possible - possibly at lunch at work and maybe in the evening when I get home. There I said it - now that I have said it and put it out here - I will have to hold myself to it. :)

Oy!

So I went back to work today. It actually went very well. I felt really good this morning other than being kinda tired because I couldn't fall asleep last night. I'm not sure what that was all about - wide awake until just afte 1am. Doesn't bode well for a 5:30 alarm clock.

I did fine at work - didn't get done as much as I wanted to, but I stayed busy. I tried my first protein bullet. It's a 3 ounce drink with a lot of protein in it. The one I tried had 42 grams of protein in it. It was orange flavored. Not fantastic - but OK. Took me 3 hours to drink 3 ounces. I found I liked it very cold. I also had about half of a jello-snack pack for lunch. And sipped on my water and juice throughout the day. That's a day in life of clear liquids for me!

Tomorrow I get to graduate to full liquids! That means milk, protein shakes, smooth low fat yogurt (like vanilla or lemon - not anything with fruit in it), strained creamy soups, and sugar free pudding. I am a bit excited let me tell you. I have found a wonderful website that has been a life saver for me of late. It is www.bariatriceating.com. When I came home from the hospital I started to have a little bit of "buyers remorse" so to speak. I felt like I would never be able to eat anything that I liked or that tasted good ever again! This web site showed me that there were so many things that I could do with what little I could eat right now. There are a bunch of recipes for all the different food phases. For instance - I found a great quick and easy recipe for a potato soup involving chicken broth and Idahoan dehydrated potato flakes and grated parmesan cheese. I am going to make it for dinner tomorrow - I can't wait. The site has great products that you can order - specifically designed for bariatric patients. It also has a fantastic support forum and message board site. There are RN's, licensed nutritionists, and veterans of WLS moderating the boards. One of the boards is devoted totally to recipes! There are some great ideas on how to make your protein shakes taste better, how to get more protein into your every day foods, and is in general a huge encouragement to those who have decided to make this huge life change. Even if you haven't had WLS - it's worth a gander just for the recipes alone. If you're looking for high protein, low fat and low carb recipes - you will be amazed at the yummy stuff you will find at this site.

So in my excitement about going to full liquids tomorrow I decided I would brave the grocery store with my list in hand after work. I think that was the straw that broke the camels back! I was doing good, but as I was pushing the cart and walking around Harris Teeter I got so achy in my belly (still kinda swollen and tender). Going grocery shopping is a new adventure for me. I have to read all the nutritional and ingredient information on everything! It took me what felt like forever to get about 20 items. I want to get sugar free of a lot of things, but I have to look and be sure there is no aspartame in it. A lot of yogurts are sweetened with aspartame or NutraSweet. I need to check the ingredients to be sure - looking for sucralose or Splenda instead. Or something may say "light", but still has sugar in it. I can't have sugar at all yet, so i really need to pay attention. I'm not interested in testing my dumping ground just yet.

So I will be going to bed when the kids do this evening. I am absolutely exhausted. I am looking forward to tomorrow. I get to have Carnation Instant Breakfast for breakfast! And I am packing some yogurt for lunch. Most of all I can't wait to try the potato soup concoction for dinner. I now have to start recording everything I eat, so I also picked up a small notebook to start journaling my eating. I need to keep track of how many grams of protein I take in and start to work towards getting 80 - 100 grams of protein in a day. I also want to keep an eye on calories and carbs. I also need to start paying attention to when I drink and when I eat. I have to stop drinking 30 minutes before I eat, and can't resume drinking until 30 minutes after I eat.

Something else that I see starting to happen is I'm becoming a tad emotional. I've been forwarned about this. Fat cells actually store and hold on to hormones. As the fat cells shrink they release the hormones back into the body. It can be kind of a wild ride with the hormones. I have found myself a couple of times today crying over seemingly simple things. Now if you were to ask D he would say that's not so unusual, but it is a little odd feeling for me. One time I got all verklempt as I was thinking about a comment that someone made to me about how I was taking back control of my life. Yeah, in a way I am. But in a way I feel like I am cleaning up this temple so I can give it back to God. Control - an ongoing theme in my life. I like it - I want it - I have to have it. And yet as a Christian I am to yield - no release! control in my life to my Savior. A big AH HA! moment for me this past summer that I feel led to my decision to pursue WLS was when I realized that I was working exceptionally hard at controlling a lot of things in the lives of the people around me. My husband, my children, my family, my friends. Why am I so concerned about making sure that my son gets his homework done on my terms? Who's homework is it? It's not my homework. If he doesn't get it done it's his problem - not mine. That realization (and the subsequent release of that control back to my son - which actually worked wonders! He does his homework all on his own! Who knew?) led me to see that I wanted to control all of these outside things because I had no control over my own life - specifically in the area of my weight. Being controlling works for me to some extent - I am a Project Manager - I need to control many details of a moving project - I'm pretty good at it. But I couldn't apply those same principles to myself personally. What a disconnect. And now here I am shedding a few tears again. Hormones, gotta love 'em. I guess the point of this hormonal rant is this: May I ever live in submission to my Savior. He is the one who is in control. He deserves a better temple from me.