Weighty Secrets

Have you heard of the website http://www.postsecrets.com/?  People can anonymously post their secrets on this website.  It's rather cathartic for those posting, and it's some great therapy for those of us reading it as well.

So a new website has been put out there by the most wonderful Melting Mama herself (who has also brought us the fabulous Bariatric Bad Girls Club), called Weighty Secrets (http://www.weightysecrets.com/). This is a place where people can post secret submissinos about life after weight loss surgery.  To quote Melting Mama ...

A lot of people who undergo weight loss surgery are told that having the surgery would be a cure for a their fat "disease" and life. After the honeymoon period of weight loss wears off - and the reality sets in - what then? This blog will give you a peek into the real life of WLS patients and those around them.


Life after weight loss surgery is filled with doubts, concerns and often? Secrets. Send yours.

As y'all know - I love my RNY.  I have a much different life than I did just 18 months ago.  But I am leaving that magic window and settling down into "normal".  Normal is never what you thought it was going to be.  I have tried my best to use the magic window to make the necessary changes in my life to make sure that this time "it sticks", but it's still a struggle.  I often feel like I'm still living in the fat me - still dealing with all the same feelings and responses I had before.  Reading this site has been immensely helpful for me on several levels.  One to realize that I'm not alone - others have gone before me - and have done it successfully.  If I'm willing to be taught - I can learn from them.  Two to remind myself that I can not be complacent about this - not now - not ever.  There is too much at stake.  I can't ... no I won't ... go back.

Ramblings ....

So I keep thinking "I'm going to blog about that ..." and then it doesn't turn into much to talk about.  So excuse me if this blog is rambling a bit - just a bunch of things going on in my head.

So I'm now 13 months out from surgery.  I have been stuck playing with the same few pounds since September.  I had to stop running when I had the vertigo problems and the ear surgery.  It took me a while to get back into a good running routine with how cold it has been here.  I have a hard time running in the cold - my old asthma rears it's ugly head then.  I am now back into a good running and exercise routine in order to meet my running goals for 2010.  But I am still stuck at the same weight. Frustrating.

I had my 1 year follow up appointment with my doctor.  He was happy with my progress but would like to see me loose another 20 pounds.  I, personally, would like to loose another 30 pounds.  I have come so far - I find it hard to believe I can't loose this last 30 pounds.  So I have recommitted myself to tracking my calories and my exercise on http://www.livestrong.com/ (they took over The Daily Plate).  I am trying to stick to 1100-1200 net calories a day.  I am easily able to eat about 1500 or so calories a day.  That is really wreaking havoc with my brain.  This part won't make sense to some of you.  I know that is a normal amount of calories to be taking in - possibly even still pretty low.  But it scares me.  I'm afraid to take in too much more than that in a day.  The fact that I haven't lost weight in 3 or so months scares me.  I am not ready to be done and I am afraid of going in the other direction.  I have actually started dreaming about it - waking up and I'm up over 200 pounds and I'm so mad and afraid and disappointed.

And there are some days I think Kanga has become made of steel - I can eat a lot of things I couldn't before - I can take in more than I could before.  I don't like that.  I don't want to go back to "normal".  And then there are some days that she reminds me that she is still in charge and I can't get more than a couple of bites of anything or I dump on something that hasn't caused me to dump in the past.

I did get my hand slapped at my 1 year follow up with Dr. Enochs.  I am not good at the vitamin regimine.  And for no good reason - just not good at it.  So I really need to get on top of that pretty quickly here.  I am going to have some bloodwork run soon and that should give us an idea of what the impact of that truly is.

Some other things that have been rearing their ugly heads now that I am a year out:  I have been having some off and on pain my abdomen.  Sometimes it's breath-taking pain - sometimes it's just an ache.  I talked to Dr. Enochs about it and he has a couple of different concerns that can be common after gastric bypass.  One is scar tissue.  I have had quite a few abdominal surgeries - 2 c-sections, an open hysterectomy, an open gallbladder removal, and some laparascopic surgeries.  So I most likely have quite a bit of scar tissue - that could be catching or kind of strangulating my intestines.  Something else that is common is that you can get an internal hernia once all the fat that used to hold things in place is gone.  So what do we do about it?  The only way to tell if the pain I'm having is one of these two things is to have surgery - there's no test that will tell them definitively if one of these things is what is happening.  It's a fine line to when we decide to do something about it - right now it doesn't normally interfere with daily life, but it could happen over night and become something that needs to be taken care of immediately.  So the approach we are taking right now is "watchful waiting".  We shall see.

I have also started having some reactive hypoglycemia symptoms.  I haven't had that officially checked out, but it looks like that is what I am dealing with - drops in blood sugar that make me weak and shaky, etc...  From what I can track it appears to be reactive which means I should be able to control it with what I am eating and how often I eat.  I plan on talking to my doctor about it when I see him next week.

I see my doctor next week to get fitted for orthotics for my running shoes.  I seem to have developed bursitis in my left foot and I don't want anything to distract me from my goals for running this year.

Speaking of running goals - I have already raised $500 for my Polar Plunge after the 2010 Torch Run.  I can't believe I have raised that much money!  I am looking forward to that run and will be sure to post pictures of of the craziness that ensues.

So thanks for listening to me ramble on and on.  I just had a bunch of things on my mind and no clear way to get them all out, but getting them out on this blog really is cathartic.

Biggest Loser

I am a big fan of The Biggest Loser. I haven't always been a fan. When it first came on I saw a few episodes, but I just couldn't get into it. And I know why - there was just something wrong about sitting in front of the TV eating Doritos and watching others work their butts off and losing tons of weight. I just didn't want to be reminded of what I wasn't doing for myself.

But once my head was in the right place and I myself was losing weight I became a huge fan of the show. That was just this past season. And I quickly became a HUGE fan of Daniel. For several reasons. The first being that I felt he had the desire - had come to that mental place of making the big changes in his life that were so desperately needed - and I felt bad that his partner (David) had not come to that same place and was proving to be a hinderance in his journey. The second reason I was a huge fan is because I kina felt like I knew him! Daniel went to my kids school (my kids attend a small Christian school) - we had seen him on campus - everyone knew who Daniel was. So he was the hometown kid and even though he didn't know me - I felt like I knew him (though I realize I really didn't). My kids also recognized him and we quickly began to cheer him on.

We were super excited to find out that he had been given a second chance on this latest season of the show. His humble attitude and gracious spirit led him to choose Shay as his partner - he identified with being the heaviest contestant on the show. (On a side note - how does losing 17 pounds in one week earn you the privelege of getting voted off?!?!?! Seriously? So wrong!)

So we were so disappointed when he got voted off the show last night - just 2 pounds shy of losing 200 pounds! He has accomplished so much and even though we really don't know him - feel a sense of pride in his awesome accomplishments.

At the end of the episode they did the "reveal" of the ousted players. They showed Daniel going home and re-uniting with his family. They also showed him re-uniting with his friend, David, from the previous season. David is obviously still struggling with his weight. When Daniel asked him where his head was with his weight his response was ""I've got other things going on that are more important to me right now," he told Daniel. "I'm overweight, yeah I'm a big guy... I don't feel unhealthy. So when that changes, then I'll start losing it."

I just started to cry when he said that. That is exactly where I was at one time. I had other priorities. I had small children that took up all my time. I had a career that I was trying to move up in. I didn't "feel" unhealthy. I also recently saw an interview that Ellen did with Mo'nique where she addressed her recent weight loss. She said she started out at 262 pounds and that at that weight when she looked at herself naked in the mirror she didn't see anything wrong with herself - she saw a sex kitten - full of life and vitality.

I did all the same things ... for years. I wouldn't do Weight Watchers. I wouldn't entertain surgery. I knew that I was not mentally ready. And to cover I convinced myself that I was OK with who I was and how fat I was. I was a good person. I was a nice person. I was outgoing and I had lots of friends. I chose to ignore a lot of things. I chose to ignore my high blood pressure that had me taking 3 different pills. I chose to ignore the SEVERE sleep apnea I had that impaired my sleep as well as my body's ability to regenerate, etc.... I chose to ignore my high levels of triglycerides, my high cholesterol, my insulin resistance, my not-so-gradual path to type 2 diabetes, my inability to breathe going up stairs, the fact that all of my doctors were concerned about my health, the fact that my children couldn't sit on my lap - or rather my lack of lap.

I knew that I needed to loose the weight - but I also knew that I wasn't ready. I knew that any effort to do it would be totally unfruitful until my mind caught up with what my body was screaming at me. So seeing David say that totally brought me back - seeing him in such denial about his need to change broke my heart. But to be honest - until he's ready - he won't be able to do it. And it's obvious he's not ready. This battle is as much a mental battle as it is a physical battle. Dealing with my issues and going through this divorce from food was one of the most difficult mental battles I have ever been through.

So I am praying for the renewing of David's mind and healing of his heart. I know that his friend Daniel will be there to help him along the way when he is ready.

And thank you for being such an inspiration, Daniel. Not only to me and to my family, but to all of those who's hearts you have touched through your appearance on The Biggest Loser.

If You Do What You Always Did, You Will Get What You Always Got

I've been thinking this thought a lot lately. Several situations have come up lately that have had me repeating this phrase over and over again.

The first situation is hearing from someone who has had gastric bypass surgery and doesn't understand why so many of us are so obsessed with eating right, etc... She has managed to loose over 100 pounds and still goes to fast food restaurants 7 or 8 times a week and still does not exercise. Her argument - if she could have done it with eating right and exercise she would not have needed the surgery. HHHHHMMMMMM. My argument - I needed the specific guidelines and rules of WLS in order to eat right and exercise like I knew I should. The thing with gastric bypass is that pretty much no matter what you do - you will loose weight. You are given this "magic window" of 18-24 months where you will loose weight - you have to because of what they have done to your stomach and your intestines. The question is - what happens after that magic window? Your body will eventually adapt to your new intestines re-routing. And if you do what you always did, you will get what you always got. If, instead, I take advantage of this magic window and make the changes that I know need to be made in my life - maybe, just maybe, this will be a life change for me, not just another failed diet. I am determined that I am not going to fail at this again. So what changes am I hoping "stick"? Eating smaller meals, eating healthier meals, and my new found love of exercise - running in particular.

Another instance that had me repeating this mantra in my head was meeting up with family that I haven't been around since the surgery. I got a lot of comments like "You can't eat this? Not even a little? That's crazy!" Yeah - I know. And I do miss some of my old friends like pizza and soda, in particular, but if you do what you always did, you will get what you always got. I also got some comments about my "new will power". If I had that kind of will power, I would never have gotten as fat as I got (getting what I always got). I obviously don't have will power - that is why I had this surgery. I needed the strict rules surrounding what I could and could not eat to make this change in my life.

And so while it feels good to have people acknowledge the change in me, part of me is still stuck with the thought that I had to get to the point of needing such a drastic change in my life. There is part of me that still feels shame at how big I got, and part of me that is stuck in that shame and in my "fat suit". I think it will just take some time for my mind to catch up with my body. I wonder if it isn't a bad thing that I hang on to some of that shame - as a way to remind myself where I came from and where I never want to go back.

I've lost my ever-lovin' mind!

OK - I posted here a while back that I had started running. And it doesnt' seem to be a fluke. I continue to run and it boggles my mind.

And this weekend I have done something that I never in my wildest imagination ever thought I could do - much less want to do. I am signing up to run a 5K. I have found a race that is being run in 2 weeks on May 23 in downtown Raleigh. It is a fun race and that is what I want for my first 5K (does that mean there will be more???).

It is put on my Skirt Sports and is called the Skirt Chaser 5k. Skirt Sports makes these great skirts for you to do just about anything in. The race is called the skirt chaser because the women get a 3 minute head start on the men - who then become the skirt chasers! The women who start first are called the "Catch Me" wave and the men who start second are called the "Skirt Chaser" wave.

I am curently running a little over 2 miles, so I need to step up my training over the next two weeks to be ready for the 5K - but now that I have put it out there for the world to see I will be held accountable.

So who wants to run with me? Or at least meet me at the finish line? I could use all the encouragement I can get! :)

Keep Moving Forward

I have long attested that the greatest Disney movie of all time is Meet the Robinsons. I watched it with the kids again tonight and I am again reminded of what a great movie this is!

I love the messages in this movie. "Let go of the past and keep moving forward." Wouldn't we all be wise to shake off our mis-steps and keep moving forward? So many times we let something in our past control our present - possibly even our future? Grudges, regrets, something we feel that has shaped who and what we are now - feeling as though we are completely held captive to that thing.

My favorite scene in the movie is when Lewis tries to fix a machine that will make peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches automatically, but something goes horribly wrong and there is peanut butter and jelly EVERYWHERE. Wilbur and the rest of the Robinson family applaud and hail Lewis. "You failed!" They celebrate his failure. He is completely stunned and confused. One of the family members says "From failure you learn; from success, not so much."

This film also stresses the importance of owning up to our mistakes. Admitting when you have made a mistake - owning up to it and the subsequent consequences.

I want so much for my children to see this - that it's OK to fail - you don't always do everything right - and when we screw up we learn huge lessons. I want them to learn that they have to own their mistakes in order to learn from them. I want them to learn to let go of the past (and all the hurts that may be associated with it) and to keep moving forward. Living in the past only brings guilt. Fearing the future only brings anxiety.

I have had my share of failures. I feel like I am finally owning the mistakes that got me to this point. I hope that making this change in my life while my children are young will show them that I do see how much I have to live for - how much I want to make ammends for this "epic fail" in my life - letting myself get this heavy. In doing so - I have to make peace with my past - let it go - and keep moving forward.

I also love the song that Rob Thomas sings as the theme for this movie. It's called Little Wonders.

Here are the lyrics:

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over

let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders t
hese twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain






Thanks for indulging me while I pontificate a bit. :)

We Need Each Other

So I know that some of you out there think I am totally crazy - living my life here on my blog - letting everyone know I had WLS and giving all the gory details. I got this devotional in my email this morning. It is from Rick Warren and is part of The Purpose Driven Life devotional series. It really put into words a lot of what I have been feeling lately about not only needing support, but giving support to others, and how crucial it is to not only my physical success in this weight loss journey, but also to the spiritual aspect of this journey. This is so much more than a diet or than just losing weight. I am dealing with some major issues emotionally and spiritually on this road. Here is the quote:

Some of us hesitate to commit ourselves to developing an intentional plan of growth that requires accountability or relationship with others because we believe spiritual growth is a personal and private matter. We choose to believe each person develops in his or her own way at his or her own rate.

This is an aberration from the truth.The idolatry of individualism has influenced even the way we think about spiritual growth.So much of the teaching on spiritual formation is self-centered and self-focused without any reference to our relationship to other Christians.

This is completely unbiblical and ignores much of the New Testament. The truth is that Christians need relationships to grow. We don’t grow in isolation from others. We develop in the context of fellowship.

Over and over again in the New Testament we find this basic truth: Believers need relationships with each other to grow! Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another ” (NIV).

God intends for us to grow up in a family.

So thank you to all of my sisters and brothers helping me along this journey. Your support and encouragement and accountability mean more to me than you will ever know.