Ramblings ....

So I keep thinking "I'm going to blog about that ..." and then it doesn't turn into much to talk about.  So excuse me if this blog is rambling a bit - just a bunch of things going on in my head.

So I'm now 13 months out from surgery.  I have been stuck playing with the same few pounds since September.  I had to stop running when I had the vertigo problems and the ear surgery.  It took me a while to get back into a good running routine with how cold it has been here.  I have a hard time running in the cold - my old asthma rears it's ugly head then.  I am now back into a good running and exercise routine in order to meet my running goals for 2010.  But I am still stuck at the same weight. Frustrating.

I had my 1 year follow up appointment with my doctor.  He was happy with my progress but would like to see me loose another 20 pounds.  I, personally, would like to loose another 30 pounds.  I have come so far - I find it hard to believe I can't loose this last 30 pounds.  So I have recommitted myself to tracking my calories and my exercise on http://www.livestrong.com/ (they took over The Daily Plate).  I am trying to stick to 1100-1200 net calories a day.  I am easily able to eat about 1500 or so calories a day.  That is really wreaking havoc with my brain.  This part won't make sense to some of you.  I know that is a normal amount of calories to be taking in - possibly even still pretty low.  But it scares me.  I'm afraid to take in too much more than that in a day.  The fact that I haven't lost weight in 3 or so months scares me.  I am not ready to be done and I am afraid of going in the other direction.  I have actually started dreaming about it - waking up and I'm up over 200 pounds and I'm so mad and afraid and disappointed.

And there are some days I think Kanga has become made of steel - I can eat a lot of things I couldn't before - I can take in more than I could before.  I don't like that.  I don't want to go back to "normal".  And then there are some days that she reminds me that she is still in charge and I can't get more than a couple of bites of anything or I dump on something that hasn't caused me to dump in the past.

I did get my hand slapped at my 1 year follow up with Dr. Enochs.  I am not good at the vitamin regimine.  And for no good reason - just not good at it.  So I really need to get on top of that pretty quickly here.  I am going to have some bloodwork run soon and that should give us an idea of what the impact of that truly is.

Some other things that have been rearing their ugly heads now that I am a year out:  I have been having some off and on pain my abdomen.  Sometimes it's breath-taking pain - sometimes it's just an ache.  I talked to Dr. Enochs about it and he has a couple of different concerns that can be common after gastric bypass.  One is scar tissue.  I have had quite a few abdominal surgeries - 2 c-sections, an open hysterectomy, an open gallbladder removal, and some laparascopic surgeries.  So I most likely have quite a bit of scar tissue - that could be catching or kind of strangulating my intestines.  Something else that is common is that you can get an internal hernia once all the fat that used to hold things in place is gone.  So what do we do about it?  The only way to tell if the pain I'm having is one of these two things is to have surgery - there's no test that will tell them definitively if one of these things is what is happening.  It's a fine line to when we decide to do something about it - right now it doesn't normally interfere with daily life, but it could happen over night and become something that needs to be taken care of immediately.  So the approach we are taking right now is "watchful waiting".  We shall see.

I have also started having some reactive hypoglycemia symptoms.  I haven't had that officially checked out, but it looks like that is what I am dealing with - drops in blood sugar that make me weak and shaky, etc...  From what I can track it appears to be reactive which means I should be able to control it with what I am eating and how often I eat.  I plan on talking to my doctor about it when I see him next week.

I see my doctor next week to get fitted for orthotics for my running shoes.  I seem to have developed bursitis in my left foot and I don't want anything to distract me from my goals for running this year.

Speaking of running goals - I have already raised $500 for my Polar Plunge after the 2010 Torch Run.  I can't believe I have raised that much money!  I am looking forward to that run and will be sure to post pictures of of the craziness that ensues.

So thanks for listening to me ramble on and on.  I just had a bunch of things on my mind and no clear way to get them all out, but getting them out on this blog really is cathartic.

My First 5K!

Wow! What a weekend this has been!

I took Thursday off because my daughters graduated from Kindergarten! So much fun!

I took Friday off because I could and I deserve it! :) I just needed a little "me" day. I got my hair cut and colored. It's been a very long time since I have done that. And I really cut it all off!

Saturday I had my first 5K!

When I started this WLS journey I made a bunch of goals. Not once did I even consider having jogging or running as a goal once I lost some weight. In fact, had you mentioned it to me I would have said "Uh - yeah - so I don't do that. I hate it." And now, not only do I run - I did my first 5K! I had a great friend from work who ran it with me. It was so great - like having my very own cheerleader. She was gracious enough to run with me and not leave me - even though I ran so slowly. I had two goals ... the first was to get to the finish line without walking. I did it! It was hard - there were some gnarly hills and I wasn't really expecting them. The second goal was to not be the last one in. I did it! Out of 638 runners I finished 623rd! Cutting it close, I admit, but I did it. Here is a video of me coming across the finish line. I must warn you - it could be confused for a Jell-o commercial ... watch it wiggle, see it jiggle!

And I came home after the 5K to a surprise party!!! A bunch of friends had gathered to help me celebrate my first 5K and my birthday! It was so great.

Out of Body Experience

Today I am feeling like I have had an out of body experience.

This morning I discovered the joy of running with tunes. I don't have an MP3 player (yet! Hint Hint D! My birthday is just around the corner!), but I found ear buds for my phone this morning and I have some songs on there - so I took my phone along for the run. It's like I stop fighting my brain when the music is playing - I just keep going. I'm not thinking about "OK - if I can just get to that mailbox over there I can walk for a little bit." or "You can do this - just a little farther." It's just the music. And I think I go faster, too - in time with the music.

So this morning I thought I would try to add a little distance to my run since it was going so well. I wasn't sure until I left for work just how far I had gone. When I left for work I drove my route to check the mileage. 4 Miles! Without stopping!

Did I just say that? I ran 4 miles this morning without stopping? WHOA! Wait - who said that?

It is totally like an out of body experience! And, of course, now my body is like "Um, hello? Just what do you think you are doing? I don't know if you got the memo, but we don't run!"

You have to understand - I did track and field in high school - emphasis on the FIELD. My coach always made us run to warm up - even if we weren't "runners" per se. And I hated every second of running. Running a mile was a major ordeal. I had awful asthma in high school. Each year I would end up practically passing out at the beginning of the season from a bad asthma attack. Field events were my game - shot put, javelin, high jump - whatever. But I didn't run. If I did run my coach would put me in a short race - 100 or 200 and I absolutely hated it. Once he put me in a 400 and when I finally crossed the finish line I punched him. I was like "Don't ever do that to me again!" Once my boyfriend graduated from high school and wasn't doing track anymore - I didn't do track anymore. If I am completely honest - I only did it to spend time with him (we had a couple of track meets that were out of state where we were gone from school for several days - or we would get out of school early for meets). I was so glad not to do it my senior year.

So to find myself running - actually wanting to run - so much so that I am going to do a 5K ... it's surreal! My husband just keeps shaking his head at me. My mom just looks at me in stunned silence like "Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?" I expected a lot of things to change in my life from having this surgery, never ever in my wildest dreams was this one of them.

I've lost my ever-lovin' mind!

OK - I posted here a while back that I had started running. And it doesnt' seem to be a fluke. I continue to run and it boggles my mind.

And this weekend I have done something that I never in my wildest imagination ever thought I could do - much less want to do. I am signing up to run a 5K. I have found a race that is being run in 2 weeks on May 23 in downtown Raleigh. It is a fun race and that is what I want for my first 5K (does that mean there will be more???).

It is put on my Skirt Sports and is called the Skirt Chaser 5k. Skirt Sports makes these great skirts for you to do just about anything in. The race is called the skirt chaser because the women get a 3 minute head start on the men - who then become the skirt chasers! The women who start first are called the "Catch Me" wave and the men who start second are called the "Skirt Chaser" wave.

I am curently running a little over 2 miles, so I need to step up my training over the next two weeks to be ready for the 5K - but now that I have put it out there for the world to see I will be held accountable.

So who wants to run with me? Or at least meet me at the finish line? I could use all the encouragement I can get! :)

Keep Moving Forward

I have long attested that the greatest Disney movie of all time is Meet the Robinsons. I watched it with the kids again tonight and I am again reminded of what a great movie this is!

I love the messages in this movie. "Let go of the past and keep moving forward." Wouldn't we all be wise to shake off our mis-steps and keep moving forward? So many times we let something in our past control our present - possibly even our future? Grudges, regrets, something we feel that has shaped who and what we are now - feeling as though we are completely held captive to that thing.

My favorite scene in the movie is when Lewis tries to fix a machine that will make peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches automatically, but something goes horribly wrong and there is peanut butter and jelly EVERYWHERE. Wilbur and the rest of the Robinson family applaud and hail Lewis. "You failed!" They celebrate his failure. He is completely stunned and confused. One of the family members says "From failure you learn; from success, not so much."

This film also stresses the importance of owning up to our mistakes. Admitting when you have made a mistake - owning up to it and the subsequent consequences.

I want so much for my children to see this - that it's OK to fail - you don't always do everything right - and when we screw up we learn huge lessons. I want them to learn that they have to own their mistakes in order to learn from them. I want them to learn to let go of the past (and all the hurts that may be associated with it) and to keep moving forward. Living in the past only brings guilt. Fearing the future only brings anxiety.

I have had my share of failures. I feel like I am finally owning the mistakes that got me to this point. I hope that making this change in my life while my children are young will show them that I do see how much I have to live for - how much I want to make ammends for this "epic fail" in my life - letting myself get this heavy. In doing so - I have to make peace with my past - let it go - and keep moving forward.

I also love the song that Rob Thomas sings as the theme for this movie. It's called Little Wonders.

Here are the lyrics:

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over

let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders t
hese twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain






Thanks for indulging me while I pontificate a bit. :)

8 More Days

I can't believe there is only 8 more days until my surgery! There are lots of thoughts going through my head - all the things I want to change, goals I already have in my head. Here are a few of them:

• I want my feet to stop hurting


• I want to be able to walk more than a mile without stopping because of my back


• I want to stop wearing my CPAP machine at night


• I want my knees to stop hurting


• I want to be able to cross my legs comfortably


• I want to be able to run around with my kids


• I want to feel like I don't have to avoid mirrors


• I want to be able to fit comfortably in a roller coaster when we go on vacation this summer


• I want to be able to fit comfortably in an airplane seat


• I want my blood pressure to go back to normal


• I want to be able to go to the doctor and not have my blood pressure go up just at the thought of having to get on the scale


• I want to shop in a "normal" store for clothing


• I don't want my kids to be embarassed by their fat mom

I had a discussion with my kids a couple of night ago about the fact that I was going to have surgery and what would happen in a way that they could understand. I told them that I was going to go visit the doctor in the hospital for a couple of days and that the doctor was going do something to make my stomach smaller. We talked about what your stomach is and where it is, too. I explained to them that it would change how I ate and that I would lose a lot of weight and I wouldn't be fat anymore. My son got very upset when I said that. He said "Mom, don't say that about yourself - you're not fat!" It's OK - I am fat - I know I'm fat, but I want to get healthier and lose the weight and not be fat anymore. "But I don't like it when people say that!" He was really upset. I said "Well, have people said that about me to you before?" He wouldn't answer me - just saying that he didn't like it when people said I was fat. It was very sweet, but at the same time disturbing to me. I am doing this as much for them as for myself - they deserve a "normal" mother - one they don't have to be ashamed of. Of course, when I said the same thing to one of my daughters and told her that I wouldn't be fat anymore - she did a little cheer - she was so excited. Not sure which end of the spectrum I appreciated more!

And I find myself having to balance myself a lot lately. I'm having a few "lasts" this week - and while I want to enjoy those, I don't want to over-indulge, either. I have a fun progressive supper tomorrow night with our closest friends. That always means good food! Then, of course, there is Christmas Dinner. And some friends at work are having "Pam's Last Lunch" for me on the 23rd at The Cheesecake Factory. I am excited and yet sick of myself at the same time. Such extremes trying to find a balance.

For the most part I am finding everyone to be incredibly generous and supportive when they find out about me having this surgery. There are still quite a few people who don't understand the extent of what will happen, but I guess I didn't either until I started researching it.

I have also found an incredibly helpful website that also has quite a bit of humor in it. It is two ladies who are "successful" WLS graduates. They give hints and tips and tricks to being successful in your WLS journey, too.

http://www.bariatrictv.com/

Hope you all are enjoying the Holidays!