SO RELAXING!

I am back from my trip to Clearwater for my sisters vacation. It was so wonderful. We had a fantastic time - a fun time - a leisurely time. We slept as late as we wanted, took naps whenever we wanted. Most of the time we had no idea what time it was - nor did we care. We were totally women of leisure. It was fantabulous. We walked everywhere we went so we were probably walking 3-4 miles a day (in my humble estimation - Shannon will probably dispute that). I managed to loose 6 pounds while on vacation! Who does that? Kanga was a little on edge while on vacation and not happy with most Roo that was given to her. That was pretty frustrating.

Here are some pictures of some of our adventures. One wild and crazy thing we did while we were down there ... we got tattoos!

This is my tattoo. The word "Loved" with 3 diamonds around the word. My kids birthdays are in April and that is their birthstone. One is blue (for my son, Caleb), one is Purple (for my daughter Megan), and one is pink (for my daughter Marissa). And, yes, it HURT. Apparently the top of your foot is one of the most painful places to get a tattoo. This REALLY hurt.

This is my sister's tattoo. She got the same word, but got two hearts - one for each of her girls in the colors of their birthstones.

Here is a silly pic of our feet together.

Here is a pic of what I looked like most days on vacation - just hanging out in my bathing suit on the doc behind our motel. We would walk along the beach and people watch, but it was so easy to sit out on the doc and just rest.

This is a fun pic of my sister. I think this pic captures the whole essence of our weekend together. It was just so great. I am so thankful to my sister for making me do this. I so needed it. I am renewed and refreshed and ready to tackle life and all it brings again. And trust me - life is bringing it's share lately. :)


I will post some more pictures soon when I go through what's on my camera, etc...

I'm Leavin' On A Jet Plane ...

I think I mentioned on here before that my sister has seen that I am in desperate need of a break from reality - a getaway - and has graciously arranged for me to come visit her. I am leaving tomorrow evening to go down to Clearwater Beach for the rest of the week. There will be no children and no husbands - just us sisters sitting on the beach and doing blissfully nothing. Expect to see pictures posted here so I can torture you all. :)

In getting ready to leave I have had an interesting problem - finding clothes that fit. I have found a ton that fit, but now the problem is deciding which to take with me! It's so exciting to have cute clothes that fit. I drove my husband crazy last night trying on a gagillion things and going "Does this look OK?" Of course, he's not that crazy about me going without him - so he could care less if I look OK or not. :)

I am looking forward to sleeping in, napping, sitting in the sun, walking, reading a book without being interrupted every 5 minutes, and just basically not living by anyone else's timeline.

When I come back I have an appointment with my Primary Care Physician (Dr. Bloom) to discuss some hip pain I have been having. I went to the chiropractor about the hip pain earlier this week. He said my hip was mis-aligned, but he also feels that because of the rapid weight loss I have my hips are having some bio-mechanical issues. He feels physical therapy is in order because my gait has probably changed. Right now my hip locks up randomly and really hurts when it does. So we'll see how physical therapy helps.

Next WOW!

I have a suit jacket that has been in my closet for 16 or 17 years. It is a gorgeous jacket that my grandmother made probably 20 or 25 years ago. It doesn't matter that I haven't been able to wear it in almost 15 years - I won't get rid of it because it's precious to me - my grandmother made it. She was an excellent seemstress. And I'm always amazed that 20 years later this coat is still stylish. My grandmother never got to see me get married, though she did know D. I hope she's looking down on my from heaven and is proud of me.



So this morning as I was playing in my closet (which I am prone to doing lately as I have clothes in there that didn't fit before, but more and more they now fit) I saw that jacket calling my name from the back corner. I pulled it out - and it fit! I can even button it! It's still a gorgeous jacket. I've gotten several compliments on it today at work. So here are some pictures of me with an angel I have on my mantel that I love as I spend today thinking of my Grandma Dempsey. The second picture has me with the emerald ring that I have that was hers as well.

WOW!

Something fun happened this morning when the kids were getting ready for school. My son realized that he could fit his arms all the way around his momma! He could even clasp his hands and squeeze!

So then my daughter Marissa tried and she could touch her fingers, too!

My daughters keep asking me when "the new mommy" will be here. Apparently I'm not losing weight fast enough for them. I don't know if it's because they see me every day, or if they just don't understand. We had to have several conversations before the surgery about what I was doing and how I was going to loose a lot of weight - not right away, but quickly, etc... I think they are

Neglecting Pamelot again

So sorry that I have not posted to Pamelot in a week or so. Last week my friend Becky and her family came for a visit. Becky and I have been best friends since high school. It was so great to catch up with her and just spend some time together. It had been about 3 years since we had seen each other. Her kids and my kids get along great so it was really quite nice for them to play and spend time together as well.






While she was here we also got together with someone else we went to school with who lives close to me - Catrin and her family. That was also fun. Here is a picture of all our kids - as well as one of all of us:

The other cool thing that happened this past weekend is that I officially hit 50 pounds down since surgery! I am 2 months from surgery and 50 pounds down! I can't believe it! Becky took some pictures of me so that I could commemorate the occassion.

This picture is for my mom - she insists she can't recognize her daughter's own rear end these days.

This was a fun one for Becky. HEHEHEHEHEHE.

More to come soon on other developments this week in Pamelot!

Whatever You're Doing

This is a post I originally made a note on my Facebook page. I found it earlier today and I just had to post it again because it is again - just what I'm feeling right now.

I've been kind of fixated on this song by Sanctus Real lately. The words just seem to wash over me today ....



Lyrics to Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) :
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

And I do feel like chaos in me, around me, about me right now, and yet I am at peace that my Saviour is working it out - working to completion what He has started in me. I have some things I need to deal with about myself - I need to clean house - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It's not an easy process by any means - but it's time to heal - time to move on - time to heal what's been broken too long.

So Father - show me what you want from me! Help me see what it is you want to change in ME! I found myself in church on Sunday just letting the tears fall and hearing in my head over and over again "Change me. Change me. Change me. Change me." I have to stop focusing on what I want God to change in others and seek out what God wants to change in me.

Another song that has been really speaking to me is by Natalie Grant - I Will Not Be Moved. I posting the video for that as well. There seems to be a theme here that I'm caught on ...



And the chaos in my life has been a badge I've worn
though I have been torn I will not be moved.
I will stumble I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartaches
But I will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on.

I always hear something or see something and think "OH! So-and-so needs to hear this!" And lately God in his still small voice has been saying "No, my child ... I'm speaking to YOU!" I stubbornly resist "No, thanks - that's OK! I got it - really - I'm fine!"

I am so thankful that it's not me who holds on to the Lord's hand - but He who holds so tightly to mine!

So even my chaos is His - my brokeness is His - it's all Him working the change in me that is so desperately needed. And He speaks to my heart yet again "I know the plans I have for you! Plans to prosper you and not to harm you - plans to give you a hope and a future." Oh Lord - I can't see the forest for the trees right now! But I take comfort and peace that even though the storm rages on - you are holding on to me - you see the bigger picture - that "thing" in me that you are working to completion.

Thank you for loving me so much.

Food and Feelings

I see a wonderful therapist and she has been helping me with this after-WLS world I am in. She has me going through a book called "The Food and Feelings Workbook". It is by Karen Koenig. I highly recommend this book for anyone who struggles with their relationship with food - whether it's turning to it for comfort, or trying to control it by denying yourself of it - this book is great. The basic tenant of this book is that "accepting your emotions, however painful they are, is the key not only to ending dysfunctional eating but also to achieving the health, happiness, success, and deep satisfaction about life you want and deserve." Going through this book has been a big wake up call for me about how I use food to avoid certain feelings. It's not just a comfort to me - the food and eating it is comforting - but I seek the comfort so that I don't have to feel things I don't want to feel. Do you find yourself doing this, too? Here are some guidelines that Karen Koenig has in her book:

1. First, acknowledge that, as a person who intentionally and regularly rejects or consumes food to distract from feeling, you most likely have a negative view of uncomfortable emotions.


2. Second, identify exactly what you believe about emotions.


3. Third, make a conscious, ongoing effort to change your beliefs.

Acceptance does not mean letting them run you ragged or having a field day with other people. Nor does it imply that you must like having unsettling and sometimes acutely wounding emotions. it merely requires that you acknowledge the hurt and give unpleasant feelings the right to come and go, just as you do the pleasant ones.

If you want to end disordered eating, you have to break the link between feelings and food.

If you're a dysfunctional eater who turns toward food when you're feeling bad, it tastes good in part because you're desperately looking for ways to ward off the blues, the blahs, the jitters. ... Another reason that food tastes good for people who view it as a panacea is that it's meant to be eaten so that our species will survive and flourish. Food is supposed to be appetizing and appealing, delectable and divine. So when you bite into a juicy apple or a buttery croissant, it's no surprise that your taste buds cheer wildly. They're happy even if you're not. But just because something tastes good doesn't mean you should be eating it, especially if the real business at hand is
attending to emotions.

Science has come a long way in understanding the complexities of appetite and affect. Research tells us that under stress our bodies crave carbohydrates, which have chemical properties to soothe and relax us, just as milk did in infancy. not only does food taste heavenly, it's also a source of what we're physiologically lacking in moments of distress. Take carbohydrates whose chemical compounds break down in our bodies in such a way as to calm and comfort us. Food does this job extremely well - too well!

She talks about the physical manifestation of emotions - takes you through exercises to help you recognize those physical manifestations - things such as:

• dry throat


• fatigue


• shortness of breath


• queasiness


• racing pulse


• flushing


• inability to focus or concentrate


• butterflies in your stomach


• pounding heart


• a lump in your throat


• tightness or hollowness in your chest


• constriction around your eyes

She says "To become a whole, healthy person, you have to stop trying to avoid feeling badly and welcome all your emotions without judgment, no matter what they are."

I have been known as the Queen of Denial. I like to camp out there often. It's really quite comfortable there, and I tend to find an unending supply of cookie dough when I need it. I also like to point out to other people when they are visiting that great land. I know because I am the Queen and I can recognize it easily in others.

Karen Koenig identifies the 7 most difficult feelings for disordered eaters. They are:

1. Guilt - Practically every dysfunctional eater is other-oriented, a caretaker, a do-gooder, has an overly-developed sense of responsibility, and rarely (if ever) believes she is doing enough. Because they are people pleasers and feel naughty or selfish when they do things for themselves, their self care is only fair to poor. The major way they take care of themselves is - you guessed it - through food.


2. Shame - Disordered eating may be a way to maintain the shame they unconsciously think they ought to feel or are used to feeling.


3. Helplessness - Occurs when there is nothing we can do. It underlies many feelings - frustration, impatience, anger, and anxiety. Something terrible is going to happen and I can't do a damned thing about it! Many disordered eaters combat their helplessness by taking action, usually in the form of micromanaging their food intake or consuming every morsel in sight.


4. Anxiety - People who eat to sooth their nerves. These individuals are anxious about what they did yesterday and about what they're going to do tomorrow.


5. Disappointment - Chronic disappointment can lead people to believe that they don't deserve to have positive expectations and outcomes in life. Wanting causes them to feel needy and so they deny their genuine desires. Because it's too scary to have expectations of themselves or of other people, they turn to something that's predictable and always in good supply - food. When an emotional eater suffers the letdown of disappointment, food picks them up, at least for a while.


6. Confusion - It runs rampant in a population of eaters who are out of touch with their physical needs and wants. They're not sure whether they're really hungry or deserve to eat, what they should eat, when they're full, what they ought to look like, and what they should weigh. Most of their confusion is about the concept of enough in numerous areas of their lives. What drives their confusion is the desperate urge to find out what's right so they won't fail or make mistakes. Because it's difficult to tolerate the tension created by vague, mixed or conflicting feelings, they often give up and instead take a stroll down a supermarket aisle or focus on numbers, which are sharp and clear - on a scale or food package.


7. Loneliness - A soul killer - no wonder lonely people seek solace in food! When disordered eaters feel this depth of loneliness, they're desperate to bond with something, anything - to merely feel alive.

You will begin to realize your dreams when you allow your emotions to speak to you, when you listen carefully to what they have to say, and when you make conscious choices based on authentic feelings couples with sound judgment. To do this, however, you must become conversant with the language that emotions speak - and that's often the language of pain.

People who allow themselves to experience their heartache and learn from it lead happy, successful lives, whereas people who run from emotional pain end up unhappy and unfulfilled.

So I think the feelings that stand out for me are Helplessness, Anxiety, Disappointment, and sometimes Loneliness.

There are so many things in this life that I have learned I have absolutely no control over. It makes me feel helpless - I don't like not having control (as I have talked about in earlier blogs). Eating gives me a sense of control - and it also feels very good. Problem is - when I have binged to give myself the feeling of control - I only end up feeling more out of control. Why did I do that?

I totally eat to soothe my nerves. This is still a problem for me. I had a disturbing appointment last week and as I was driving back to work I found myself screaming in the car "I just want a freakin' cheeseburger, damn it!" I passed an Arby's (which I love) and I just wanted to pull in for a roast beef sandwich and some curly fries! Make it go away!

Ah yes, Disappointment. Somehow in my twisted mind I have convinced myself that my favorite foods never disappoint me. They are always there for me when I need them - always providing the comfort I seek. When someone doesn't treat me the way I feel I deserve to be treated - food does - it makes me feel so good. But how twisted is that? It disappoints me every time - every pound I put on because of it.

I have had those moments of strolling down the supermarket aisles - searching for my comfort. I have found myself going faster and faster - not even knowing what I'm looking for - just knowing that I will know it when I find it. It could be some cookie dough - maybe brownie mix or frosting - or how about that Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream - or it could be something salty like Doritos or a sausage egg and cheese biscuit. I have even found myself standing in front of my pantry or refrigerator in the middle of the night after a stressful confrontation or a fight with my husband. I'm tired of the conflict and I am tired of feeling this way - give me some food to make it go away.

And having de-carbed since surgery - I can so see how carbs do affect my feelings. The few times that I have had some small carb with what I am eating since surgery have nearly sent me on an eating binge again. I can't even describe it! It just feels so good! I know that this surgery is the only way for me to divorce food. I can't binge anymore - I get sick - very ill - it downright hurts. In fact, there are days that eating is a downright chore.

Karen Koenig gives some great techniques for slowing down - recognizing the physical manifestations of our emotions and feelings - deep breathing that helps you become more in tune with what your body is trying to tell you.

So how is your relationship with food? Are you obsessed with it? Or are you using it the way it should be used? Have you learned to live with your feelings? Do you turn to food or to something else to not have to deal with those feelings? Do you have feelings which you have deemed "bad"? Why do we think emotions in and of themselves are bad? They were given to us by our creator for a reason. We should not ignore them or push them aside - we need to get to the root of the emotions and discern what they are telling us so that we can move on.

Good Things

So this week I did something I haven't done in a long time - I crossed my legs! HA!

Yesterday I ran into someone who I go to church with, but I don't see too often. I hadn't seen her since before surgery, and I don't believe she knows that I had the surgery. She said "I didn't recognize you, Pam. I think it must be because your hair is so long." I just smiled. A woman behind me said "No, you didn't recognize her because she's lost so much weight." My friend said "Well, that thought had crossed my mind, but I wasn't sure it was appropriate to say!" So let me tell y'all - it's always appropriate to tell someone she looks thinner!

Today as I was getting ready for church I pulled out my favorite shirt. It was humungous! I'm kinda bummed because I really love that shirt!

The other thing that I noticed today is that my butt hurts when sitting for too long. I have heard this can happen as you loose the extra padding. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!

I have discovered Lactaid pills. Now that is a good thing! I can take this as I am starting to eat anything with lactose in it and I don't get sick! Yeah! I still try to stay away from dairy products as much as possible, but when I just have to have something with cheese in it - I can take this pill and it makes it all OK.

And one last good thing ... I am going to go visit my sister! I am so excited. She has arranged for me to fly down to Clearwater and visit her for 4 days. I can't even tell you how much I need to get away right now. I love my sister for knowing this about me and helping me to make it happen. And I love my friends back home for helping me out with the things at home so that I can take this break. I just can't wait! I love spending time with my sister.

Adjusting

So it does appear as though I hit on something with the lactose intolerance stuff. I have avoided all things dairy and when I haven't been able to avoid those things I have taken a fast acting lactaid pill. I have not gotten sick yet. Yeah! So while I am disappointed to have developed this lactose intolerance, I am very excited to know what the problem is so that I can address it.

I have tried chocolate Silk and that is pretty good. Plain Silk - not so much. Lactaid milk is OK - kind of sweet actually. Just trying to figure out what I can do to replace my milk obsession.

I was playing around with recipes in the kitchen again today. I made up one today that came out pretty good. I'm not sure what to call it, so for now I am going with Pam's Chicken and Pasta.

I took 3 large boneless skinless chicken breasts and put them in the crock pot this morning with a jar of spaghetti sauce and let that cook all day. When I got home from work I cooked up a box of Barilla Plus penne pasta. When that was done I put it in a casserole dish. Then I turned to the chicken - it was so tender that it shredded. I shredded it and mixed it with the pasta sauce and then spread that on top of the penne. On top of that I put some mozzerella cheese and baked it at 350 for about 15 minutes. It would be great with a side salad and some garlic bread. It got a thumbs up from my family.

I have been having a hard time seeing the difference in myself while I am loosing all this weight. So tonight I pulled out a before and a current picture to put side by side and see if I see a difference. What do you think?

The Divorce Continues

I have mentioned before that this process is really a divorce from food. I had no idea just how painful this divorce was going to be.

I am totally addicted to milk, and to me cheese makes everything better. But I think that I have become lactose intolerant since surgery.

As I have stated on this blog before - I and my surgeon have been thinking that I am suffering from a stricture. But I did have a few times that I ate and did not get ill afterwards. So it got me to thinking - what was the difference? I started going back over what I was eating and realized I was having an awful lot of dairy in my quest for soft foods. Soft cheeses, cottage cheese, milk whenever I could get it. So today I decided to test my theory and see if I could go without anything with lactose in it. I made it most of the day and I was not sick! But then at dinner tonight I decided to make my kids some heart shaped waffles. One fell apart and I took a couple of bites of that dry waffle - which was made with ... milk!!!! In about 30 minutes I spent the next 2 hours in absolute misery.

So the divorce with my favorite foods continues. Before surgery I was talking to someone I go to church with who had the same surgery - with the same surgeon about 8 months before me. He said to me "It's like learning to eat all over again." Truer words have never been spoken!!!!