Letting Go

I hijacked this post from my fellow blogger, Kellie (check out her blog here!  She's an incredible photographer and an even more incredible second grade teacher!).  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

What An Awesome God!

God's accuracy may be observed in the hatching of eggs.

For example :
-the eggs of the potato bug hatch in 7 days;
-those of the canary in 14 days;
-those of the barnyard hen in 21 days ;
-The eggs of ducks and geese hatch in 28 days;
-those of the mallard in 35 days ;
-The eggs of the parrot and the ostrich hatch in 42 days. (Notice, they are all divisible by seven , the number of days in a
week!)


The lives of each of you may be ordered by the Lord in a beautiful way for His glory, if you will only entrust Him with your life. If you try to regulate your own life, it will only be a mess and a failure. Only
the One who made the brain and the heart can successfully guide them to a profitable end.


God's wisdom is seen in the making of an elephant.. The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction. No other quadruped is so made. God planned that this animal would have a huge
body, too large to live on two legs. For this reason He gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily.


The horse rises from the ground on its two front legs first.
A cow rises from the ground with its two hind legs first.
How wise the Lord is in all His works of creation!

God's wisdom is revealed in His arrangement of sections and segments, as well as in the number of grains.
-Each watermelon has an even number of strips on the rind.
-Each orange has an even number of segments.
-Each ear of corn has an even number of rows.
-Each stalk of wheat has an even number of grains.
-Every bunch of bananas has on its lowest row an even number of bananas, and each row decreases by one, so that one row has an even number and the next row an odd number.
-The waves of the sea roll in on shore twenty-six to the minute in all kinds of weather.

All grains are found in even numbers on the stalks, and the Lord specified thirty fold, sixty fold, and a hundredfold - all even numbers.

God has caused the flowers to blossom at certain specified times during the day, so that Linnaeus, the great botanist, once said that if he had a conservatory containing the right kind of soil, moisture and
temperature, he could tell the time of day or night by the flowers that were open and those that were closed!

Thus the Lord in His wonderful grace can arrange the life that is entrusted to His care in such a way that it will carry out His purposes and plans, and will be fragrant with His presence. Only the God-planned safe life is successful. Only the life given over to the care of the Lord is fulfilled.

When God takes something from your grasp, He's merely opening your hands to receive something better.

What a visual for me!  I was holding on so tightly to my food - to what I felt was control over what I was eating.  And when I finally let go - He had so much more for me - I had no idea how much.  What do you need to let go of so that you can discover what God has in store for you?

New Year's Resolutions

I've never been one of those to make New Year's Resolutions, but after having such a great 2009 and meeting so many of my goals - I've decided to make a go of it.  So here are a few:

• I really want to run that half marathon.  This year.  I will do it.
• I want to get to my goal weight.  I fear that I will bounce back to about where I am - that my body just isn't very comfortable any lower than this, but I would like to at least get there.
• But most of all - I don't want to go back.  That scares me.

What are some of your resolutions?

Size 10!

OK - I thought it was a fluke when it happened back at Thanksgiving.  I tried on a size 10 pants that my sister had.  They fit!  Not great - but they fit.  Kind of unbelievable.  Then I bought a size 10 jeans without trying them on.  I thought that if they didn't fit they would be good for a goal to get in to them.  But I got them home - and they fit!  Unbelievable!  I don't remember being a size 10 - like ever.  I maybe was a size 12 in high school - but not a 10.  I remember being a 14 for the longest time.  So I had to share.  10 people!  10!!!!

One year ago today ...

One year ago today I was off to see the wizard! I can't believe that it has been a whole year since I had my gastric bypass surgery. 2009 has been one wild year for me. I have discovered more about myself, my faith, my marriage, my family in this past year than I ever imagined possible. The most important nugget of truth I have received out of all of it this year has been "I can do it!" I believed a lie about myself for so long - I wasted so many years thinking that my dreams were unattainable. But I am here on the other side of a long journey (that isn't really even over - I feel it may have just begun!) to tell you that if I can do these hard things - you can too.

 

Here is a list of goals I set for myself about a week before surgery:

• I want my feet to stop hurting - check!
• I want to be able to walk more than a mile without stopping because of my back - check - I run 3-5 miles regularly now.
• I want to stop wearing my CPAP machine at night - I bid this farewell early on.  Hope you're enjoying it, Tim!
• I want my knees to stop hurting - not nearly as bad or as often as it was before.
• I want to be able to cross my legs comfortably - I almost always sit with my legs crossed now.
• I want to be able to run around with my kids - I beat their butts on Wii Fit today.  :)
• I want to feel like I don't have to avoid mirrors - I don't avoid them but I still don't love them.  :)
• I want to be able to fit comfortably in a roller coaster when we go on vacation this summer - that was fun!
• I want to be able to fit comfortably in an airplane seat - don't have to sit with my arms folded across me the whole flight to keep from feeling like I'm in other people's personal space.
• I want my blood pressure to go back to normal - check!
• I want to be able to go to the doctor and not have my blood pressure go up just at the thought of having to get on the scale - check.
• I want to shop in a "normal" store for clothing - check.
• I don't want my kids to be embarassed by their fat mom - having them cheer me on when I run is the ultimate experience for me.

Goals added at 6 month mark:

• I want to see my collar bone. Isn't that strange? I can feel it now, but I don't feel like it is quite visible. - check!
• Along those same lines - I would really like to see my hip bones. That might be a long time in coming simply because of all the extra skin I have in that area. That may have to wait for the tummy tuck. - Yeah - so not happening till I get rid of some of this extra skin.
• I want to be able to buy cute bras and panties. HEHEHEHE. Yeah - big girl panties and bras have been what I have always gotten - but I'm now in a size that I can buy those cute little sets! I haven't done it yet because the sizes have been changing so fast, but I'm feeling more comfortable with this now. - check!
• I want to no longer see myself as the fattest person in the room. Even though I have lost so much weight, I still see myself as "the fat girl". - still working on this, but getting a lot better.
• I want to get the the "century" mark in my weight loss. I actually want to loose 130 pounds total - but this is a good progress mark for me. - check!  110 pounds (sneaking up on 115 now) down!
• I am now adding some distance goals for my running. I want to run a 10K this fall, and hopefully a half marathon in the winter. I can't believe I just said that. - this got derailed a bit with my surgery this fall, but I'm anxious to still meet these goals in 2010.

Measurement  - Pre-op - 3 Months - 6 Months - 1 Year

Full Bust 50 - 44 - 40 - 39
Rib Cage 46 - 39 - 35 - 35
Waist 46 - 39 - 37 - 36
Hips 56 - 50 - 45 - 42
Thighs 30 - 26 - 24 - 23
Arms 15 - 14 - 13 - 12.5
Total 243 - 212 - 194 - 187.5

 

My BMI has gone from 47.4 to 29.5 (Morbidly Obese to plain overweight).

And finally - here is proof in pictures.

And so I can proudly say that I have met my goals.  I have lost 85% of my excess weight in a year.  I have faced many of my personal demons surrounding food and why I eat it when I shouldn't or don't need to.  I have made exercise a regular part of my life.  I have started running!  I got my PMP!  All of this in just the last year.  Who knew I could do all of this in one year?  What a wild ride it has been.  I look forward to what is ahead in 2010.

2009 in Pamelot

I had a lot of fun making this little video on slide.com.  I think these pictures speak volumes about what I have experienced in this past year.  It's been one wild ride.  Would love to hear what you think of it!

Thanksgiving and WOW Moments

I know, I know, I know - I have been neglecting Pamelot yet again.  I apologize profusely.

I had a great Thanksgiving.  I was able to go visit my sister and have Thanksgiving with her as well as go to a surprise birthday party for my grandmother.   She is an amazing woman.  She is 90 years old and still lives alone in her own house.  It was great fun to see cousins I don't get to see very often.

So I've been thinking about some things that I am thankful for and I wanted to get them down.

I am thankful for:

• my family
• healthy children
• healthy parents
• my marriage
• my job
• my health
• my friends

The list could go on and on.  I am a very thankful girl.  And as I reached my 11 month surgiversary I am especially thankful for how different my life is this year than it was last year at this time.  I am down about 110 pounds from when I had surgery.  And amazingly enough - I still get some WOW moments on this journey.  Here are a few I have had recently:

• I have never, ever, in all my life, shared clothes with my sister.  She's always been much smaller than me - even as adults - we're just built completely different.  But when I got down to my sisters I tried on some of her clothes!!  And they fit!!!!  I even managed to fit in a size 10!!!!!!  You just have no idea how great that felt.
• I love hanging with my sister.  LOVE IT!  We went out on the town one night and something happened to me that HAS NEVER happened to me before.  I got hit on.  HA!  I have been with my husband since I was 15.  Those there waters have never been chartered before.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  Thanks to my brother-in-law for keeping the wolves at bay for a while.  :)
• I have been wanting to commemorate 100 pounds down and I did while with my sister - I got a new tat.  No - I can't show you where.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  I'll just say it's not somewhere that would be affected by any future plastics - which I hope to get at some point.  Have I mentioned how much I hate all this extra skin?
• I also love seeing my cousin, Angie.  While together down in the Keys for my grandmother's party we went running together.  I don't know if she will ever know how much that little moment in time meant to me.
• While down in the Keys for my grandmother's party we all stayed in a fantastic vacation home - a ton of us.  In the past this would have filled me with dread - the thought of being in such close quarters with others while I was sleeping - because I snored.  I didn't just snore - I really really snored - wake the dead with the sound snored.  But I didn't have to worry about that.  I shared a big room with a lot of other people and no one heard a peep out of me. Normally I would have had to lug my CPAP machine with me, make sure I was sleeping next to a power outlet, get it all set up, and wear it at night to ensure that I didn't snore.  NO MORE!
• When I got home from our trip I had an appointment for a stress test.  Doesn't sound like much opportunity for excitement, but I passed with flying colors.  The most impressive thing was that my blood pressure was great.  My diastolic number stayed around 70 the entire time.  My doctor was impressed with how much better I am doing since this time last year.  It felt good.

So as I approach Christmas and my 1 year surgiversary I am anxious to revel in all the changes that 2009 has brought into my life.

Throwing Away Feels Good

I love throwing things away. Love it.  Decluttering feels good down deep in my soul.  I'm always amazed at how quickly I accumulate stuff (a.ka. junk).

Recently we have been moving some things around in our house.  We had been using our dining room as an office.  This was mostly because we had a desktop computer and lots of books and nowhere to put them.  We also did not have a nice dining room table - so what's the point?  We had a small kitchen table.  But now we have inherited my mom's nice dining room table and her matching hutch.  The hutch was in the living room as a sofa table (kinda) and the nice table was crammed into our eating area in the kitchen.  So upon suggestion from  my mom we decided to flip flop everything - take the office apart - put the desk in the kitchen and put the nice table in the dining room.  Sounds simple right?  Yeah - not so much - we've been at it for over 2 weeks now.  We had so much crap in the office - we've had to go through it - decide if it's necessary, needed, wanted, or can just be tossed.  I get a little too excited about throwing stuff away.  :)  Not only have we gone through the office (now the dining room again) but we have gone through a bunch of stuff that was in the kitchen.  We had a traditional "junk" drawer - and  a bread box that we never used for bread that was full of odds and ends too.

So as we have gone through the junk in the kitchen, Daren came to me with several items that I had traditionally held very tight to.  One was my Weight Watchers bag.  A little black bag with all my Weight Watchers stuff in it.  The plan - the eating out book - a bunch of stuff.  I always wanted to hang on to it because I was going to do Weight Watchers ... again ... for real this time ... when my head is ready ... I know I can do it.  Daren came to me with it - a big smile on his face.  "Do you want this?"  I did a little dance while I yelled "NO I DON'T!"  I weigh 20 pounds less than I did when I got married - can you tell I'm excited?  :)

Then he came to me with something that almost made me cry.  It was my blood sugar tester.  I had gestational diabetes with both of my pregnancies and several flirtations with Type 2 diabetes since then.  I hated that damn thing.  Hated pricking my finger - hated watching the number climb higher and higher.  I avoided that stupid thing like the plague.  But I kept it cause I knew I needed it and I needed to be able to check my blood sugar from time to time.  So when he asked me if I wanted to keep it - I chose my reaction - instead of crying - I did a little dance and yelled "NO I DON'T!" 

I really do love throwing things away.

Biggest Loser

I am a big fan of The Biggest Loser. I haven't always been a fan. When it first came on I saw a few episodes, but I just couldn't get into it. And I know why - there was just something wrong about sitting in front of the TV eating Doritos and watching others work their butts off and losing tons of weight. I just didn't want to be reminded of what I wasn't doing for myself.

But once my head was in the right place and I myself was losing weight I became a huge fan of the show. That was just this past season. And I quickly became a HUGE fan of Daniel. For several reasons. The first being that I felt he had the desire - had come to that mental place of making the big changes in his life that were so desperately needed - and I felt bad that his partner (David) had not come to that same place and was proving to be a hinderance in his journey. The second reason I was a huge fan is because I kina felt like I knew him! Daniel went to my kids school (my kids attend a small Christian school) - we had seen him on campus - everyone knew who Daniel was. So he was the hometown kid and even though he didn't know me - I felt like I knew him (though I realize I really didn't). My kids also recognized him and we quickly began to cheer him on.

We were super excited to find out that he had been given a second chance on this latest season of the show. His humble attitude and gracious spirit led him to choose Shay as his partner - he identified with being the heaviest contestant on the show. (On a side note - how does losing 17 pounds in one week earn you the privelege of getting voted off?!?!?! Seriously? So wrong!)

So we were so disappointed when he got voted off the show last night - just 2 pounds shy of losing 200 pounds! He has accomplished so much and even though we really don't know him - feel a sense of pride in his awesome accomplishments.

At the end of the episode they did the "reveal" of the ousted players. They showed Daniel going home and re-uniting with his family. They also showed him re-uniting with his friend, David, from the previous season. David is obviously still struggling with his weight. When Daniel asked him where his head was with his weight his response was ""I've got other things going on that are more important to me right now," he told Daniel. "I'm overweight, yeah I'm a big guy... I don't feel unhealthy. So when that changes, then I'll start losing it."

I just started to cry when he said that. That is exactly where I was at one time. I had other priorities. I had small children that took up all my time. I had a career that I was trying to move up in. I didn't "feel" unhealthy. I also recently saw an interview that Ellen did with Mo'nique where she addressed her recent weight loss. She said she started out at 262 pounds and that at that weight when she looked at herself naked in the mirror she didn't see anything wrong with herself - she saw a sex kitten - full of life and vitality.

I did all the same things ... for years. I wouldn't do Weight Watchers. I wouldn't entertain surgery. I knew that I was not mentally ready. And to cover I convinced myself that I was OK with who I was and how fat I was. I was a good person. I was a nice person. I was outgoing and I had lots of friends. I chose to ignore a lot of things. I chose to ignore my high blood pressure that had me taking 3 different pills. I chose to ignore the SEVERE sleep apnea I had that impaired my sleep as well as my body's ability to regenerate, etc.... I chose to ignore my high levels of triglycerides, my high cholesterol, my insulin resistance, my not-so-gradual path to type 2 diabetes, my inability to breathe going up stairs, the fact that all of my doctors were concerned about my health, the fact that my children couldn't sit on my lap - or rather my lack of lap.

I knew that I needed to loose the weight - but I also knew that I wasn't ready. I knew that any effort to do it would be totally unfruitful until my mind caught up with what my body was screaming at me. So seeing David say that totally brought me back - seeing him in such denial about his need to change broke my heart. But to be honest - until he's ready - he won't be able to do it. And it's obvious he's not ready. This battle is as much a mental battle as it is a physical battle. Dealing with my issues and going through this divorce from food was one of the most difficult mental battles I have ever been through.

So I am praying for the renewing of David's mind and healing of his heart. I know that his friend Daniel will be there to help him along the way when he is ready.

And thank you for being such an inspiration, Daniel. Not only to me and to my family, but to all of those who's hearts you have touched through your appearance on The Biggest Loser.

Overweight

I know! I know! I know! I have been neglecting Pamelot again! I have many worthy excuses, I promise. Though, I'm sure you're not really interested in any of them. It's been a crazy few weeks getting things ready and set up for this year's Upward Cheerleading season. The work as Cheer Commissioner is keeping me a bit busy. I am also in a very busy phase of my project at work.

I am now 10 months out from surgery - hard to believe. I am in the phase where I am able to eat more and more foods - my body is adjusting nicely to my new insides - and I am feeling like I have adjusted to "my new normal". It's no longer this new novel thing to have had gastric bypass. I feel like I have finally adjusted and settled in to life with a smaller stomach and less intestines (romantic isn't it?). I don't have to think so hard about what I'm going to eat, or plan ahead so much. This is just my life and I have settled into it. And I like it.

The weight loss has slowed dramatically - as I knew it would. I would like to lose 20-30 more pounds. I feel that when I up my exercise (I have been slowly getting back to exercise since my ear surgery) I will be able to get a better handle on that and make some progress there. The scale still does move, which is encouraging.

I was having an interesting conversation with some co-workers about BMI yesterday. We were talking about what a "normal" BMI is - how most people are not "normal", and how even though I have lost over 100 pounds I would still be considered in the "obese" range. We were playing around with a BMI calculator and seeing what different weight and heights gave us. So I plugged in my latest weight and discovered .... I am finally overweight! I am no longer obese!

18.5 or less	Underweight
18.5 to 24.99	Normal Weight
25 to 29.99	Overweight
30 to 34.99	Obesity (Class 1)
35 to 39.99	Obesity (Class 2)
40 or greater	Morbid Obesity

Some calculators also put a category of BMI's above 45 as "Super Morbidly Obese". At my heaviest just before surgery my BMI was 47.6, and so I fell into that awful category. As if "obese" isn't bad enough - you add morbidly to it - then super morbidly. UGH! I always hated that! But it was telling me what I didn't want to hear.

Dictionary.com defines the word morbid as:

1.	suggesting an unhealthy mental state or attitude; unwholesomely gloomy, sensitive, extreme, etc.: a morbid interest in death.

2.	affected by, caused by, causing, or characteristic of disease.

3.	pertaining to diseased parts: morbid anatomy.

4.	gruesome; grisly.

Unhealthy mental state or attitude - check. I had a bad attitude (some would argue I still do!)
Characteristic of disease - check. High Blood Pressure, Sleep Apnea, sneaking up on Type II Diabetes, hard to breathe, hard to exercise, hard to do just about anything.
Pertaining to diseased parts - check. Not much to explain there - felt like my whole body was diseased.
Gruesome; grisly - check. That is definitely how I felt about myself.

But I spent many years denying and simply avoiding this about myself. If I can actually loose these last pounds I will find myself in a "normal" BMI range. That actually blows my mind a bit.

I'm still here!

I'm still here! I haven't blogged since surgery - it took a lot more out of me than I had anticipated. I really had a hard time with the vertigo and pain afterwards. But I am finally back to work now and seem to have a handle on my vertigo.

Now I am working on getting back to my exercise routine. I am going to try to take it slow and start out with some walking and work on the elliptical before starting to run again. But the weather is perfect for a good long run and I'm anxious to get back on the road.

And I had hit another stall in my weight loss with my surgery - hardly eating anything and hardly moving - my body was in like hybernation mode. But now I seem to be moving in the downward direction again. I have about 30 more pounds I would like to loose. I am also seeing that my size 12 clothes are starting to get a little loose. Hard to wrap my mind around. I'm hoping that once I get back to my exercise routine it will really start to melt off.

I recently agreed to take on the position of "Cheer Commissioner" for the Upward Cheerleading season that coincides with their Basketball season. I have been a coach in this league for the past couple of years and have always really enjoyed it. So this year when I was asked if I wanted to be the "Cheer-missioner" I jumped at the chance. That season is about to get under way. I have always coached the Kindergarten - second grade squad. It can be a total challenge dealing with that age group, but I love the girls that I get to coach and get to know.

So I'm just checking in for now. I promise to be better on my blogging. :)