Yeah - I know. It's been over a month since I have blogged.
So to be honest - I've been struggling. But I've said that before on here. But I think especially since my 2 year surgiversary I've been trying to find my "normal". I can eat so much more than I could before not to mention being able to eat things I just could before. I can tolerate much more sugar than I used to be able to. And so I am finding my fine line between what I CAN eat and what I SHOULD eat. I've never been very good at that - it's kind of what got me 120 pounds overweight in the first place.
And so to be honest - I put on a few pounds (and NO - I'm not going to tell you how many). Enough to wake me up let's say. I knew what got me there - but I wasn't so happy about it. So I decided to get back to basics. Protein first - putting protein shakes back into my regular diet - drinking more water - more veggies - you get the idea. And right now I'm feeling much more in control and better about where I'm headed (according to the scale - a relationship I hate but rely on). Of course, tomorrow I may feel differently. :)
I rely heavily on some veterans in this WLS community. Those who have gone before me and who are walking the walk and talking the talk. Part of that walk and talk are those who openly admit to making some questionable food choices. Because fact is - this is a TOOL - not a magic bandaid for obesity. You will get to the point where you can eat more and eat more "normally". The question is whether you should. But I believe it's also a matter of living with those occassional bad choices. How do you live with them? Do you let it become a path to more and more bad decisions? Or do you get up, brush yourself off, and get on with it? Do you beat yourself up? Do you constrict yourself so much that you NEVER get to enjoy certain things in life again? Or do you make room in your life to enjoy the occasional cupcake? (or at least a couple of bites of one ... with frosting!) I know that it can be a hard hard thing to figure out. Especially for those of you reading this who are very new to WLS - those who are "newbies" just a little bit out from surgery. It's hard to understand - I get it. And as a side note - I think that part of why I wasn't blogging was because I felt as though I shouldn't be someone that others are looking to for advice or to see how to live post WLS.
But a recent discussion about all of this got me to thinking - particularly about acceptance. Acceptance of this new life I have - that the strict rules around the surgery aren't so strict anymore - about the fact that I need to be more mindful about my relationship with food. Sometimes I just hate that about myself. I don't want to be more mindful - I don't want to think about it. But it is part of my make up part of who I am.
And I liken it to the different stages of acceptance. I know - not quite the same as the grief process, etc... but this is Pamelot and I can do what I want with it. :)
The first stage is Denial. I like to think I was here long before surgery. I don't have a problem - I'm fine - y'all have a problem and that's not my problem. I don't need help - I can do this on my own. Y'all can bite me.
The second stage is Anger or asking 'Why me?' I like to think this was me right after surgery. Those times when I was on clear lilquids - scared to death to eat anything - and yet sitting on the floor at night in the dark in front of my refrigerator ... so angry! Angry that I can't come to the refrigerator to soothe myself - angry that I got to the point where I had to have surgery in the first place - angry that I can't just eat!
The third stage is Bargaining or 'But what if I...?' I think this was me about a year ago. I had lost most of my weight and was feeling great. What if I eat this? What if I don't eat this?
The fourth stage is Depression of "I don't care anymore" and I think I've been here since about Christmas or my 2 year surgiversary. This sucks. I am so tired of thinking about it all the dang time.
And the fifth stage is Acceptance. OK - this is me - this is my life - what next? I think I'm here right now. How am I going to live now that I've lost 120 pounds and I can eat more normally than I could before? Because it's true - there's nothing that tastes as good as being thin feels. So what am I going to do about it?
“Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgement of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it.” ~ Kathleen Casey Thiesen