Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Whatever You're Doing

This is a post I originally made a note on my Facebook page. I found it earlier today and I just had to post it again because it is again - just what I'm feeling right now.

I've been kind of fixated on this song by Sanctus Real lately. The words just seem to wash over me today ....

Lyrics to Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) :
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

And I do feel like chaos in me, around me, about me right now, and yet I am at peace that my Saviour is working it out - working to completion what He has started in me. I have some things I need to deal with about myself - I need to clean house - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It's not an easy process by any means - but it's time to heal - time to move on - time to heal what's been broken too long.

So Father - show me what you want from me! Help me see what it is you want to change in ME! I found myself in church on Sunday just letting the tears fall and hearing in my head over and over again "Change me. Change me. Change me. Change me." I have to stop focusing on what I want God to change in others and seek out what God wants to change in me.

Another song that has been really speaking to me is by Natalie Grant - I Will Not Be Moved. I posting the video for that as well. There seems to be a theme here that I'm caught on ...

And the chaos in my life has been a badge I've worn
though I have been torn I will not be moved.
I will stumble I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartaches
But I will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on.

I always hear something or see something and think "OH! So-and-so needs to hear this!" And lately God in his still small voice has been saying "No, my child ... I'm speaking to YOU!" I stubbornly resist "No, thanks - that's OK! I got it - really - I'm fine!"

I am so thankful that it's not me who holds on to the Lord's hand - but He who holds so tightly to mine!

So even my chaos is His - my brokeness is His - it's all Him working the change in me that is so desperately needed. And He speaks to my heart yet again "I know the plans I have for you! Plans to prosper you and not to harm you - plans to give you a hope and a future." Oh Lord - I can't see the forest for the trees right now! But I take comfort and peace that even though the storm rages on - you are holding on to me - you see the bigger picture - that "thing" in me that you are working to completion.

Thank you for loving me so much.

Food and Feelings

I see a wonderful therapist and she has been helping me with this after-WLS world I am in. She has me going through a book called "The Food and Feelings Workbook". It is by Karen Koenig. I highly recommend this book for anyone who struggles with their relationship with food - whether it's turning to it for comfort, or trying to control it by denying yourself of it - this book is great. The basic tenant of this book is that "accepting your emotions, however painful they are, is the key not only to ending dysfunctional eating but also to achieving the health, happiness, success, and deep satisfaction about life you want and deserve." Going through this book has been a big wake up call for me about how I use food to avoid certain feelings. It's not just a comfort to me - the food and eating it is comforting - but I seek the comfort so that I don't have to feel things I don't want to feel. Do you find yourself doing this, too? Here are some guidelines that Karen Koenig has in her book:

  1. First, acknowledge that, as a person who intentionally and regularly rejects or consumes food to distract from feeling, you most likely have a negative view of uncomfortable emotions.

  2. Second, identify exactly what you believe about emotions.

  3. Third, make a conscious, ongoing effort to change your beliefs.

Acceptance does not mean letting them run you ragged or having a field day with other people. Nor does it imply that you must like having unsettling and sometimes acutely wounding emotions. it merely requires that you acknowledge the hurt and give unpleasant feelings the right to come and go, just as you do the pleasant ones.

If you want to end disordered eating, you have to break the link between feelings and food.

If you're a dysfunctional eater who turns toward food when you're feeling bad, it tastes good in part because you're desperately looking for ways to ward off the blues, the blahs, the jitters. ... Another reason that food tastes good for people who view it as a panacea is that it's meant to be eaten so that our species will survive and flourish. Food is supposed to be appetizing and appealing, delectable and divine. So when you bite into a juicy apple or a buttery croissant, it's no surprise that your taste buds cheer wildly. They're happy even if you're not. But just because something tastes good doesn't mean you should be eating it, especially if the real business at hand is
attending to emotions.

Science has come a long way in understanding the complexities of appetite and affect. Research tells us that under stress our bodies crave carbohydrates, which have chemical properties to soothe and relax us, just as milk did in infancy. not only does food taste heavenly, it's also a source of what we're physiologically lacking in moments of distress. Take carbohydrates whose chemical compounds break down in our bodies in such a way as to calm and comfort us. Food does this job extremely well - too well!

She talks about the physical manifestation of emotions - takes you through exercises to help you recognize those physical manifestations - things such as:

  • dry throat

  • fatigue

  • shortness of breath

  • queasiness

  • racing pulse

  • flushing

  • inability to focus or concentrate

  • butterflies in your stomach

  • pounding heart

  • a lump in your throat

  • tightness or hollowness in your chest

  • constriction around your eyes

She says "To become a whole, healthy person, you have to stop trying to avoid feeling badly and welcome all your emotions without judgment, no matter what they are."

I have been known as the Queen of Denial. I like to camp out there often. It's really quite comfortable there, and I tend to find an unending supply of cookie dough when I need it. I also like to point out to other people when they are visiting that great land. I know because I am the Queen and I can recognize it easily in others.

Karen Koenig identifies the 7 most difficult feelings for disordered eaters. They are:

  1. Guilt - Practically every dysfunctional eater is other-oriented, a caretaker, a do-gooder, has an overly-developed sense of responsibility, and rarely (if ever) believes she is doing enough. Because they are people pleasers and feel naughty or selfish when they do things for themselves, their self care is only fair to poor. The major way they take care of themselves is - you guessed it - through food.

  2. Shame - Disordered eating may be a way to maintain the shame they unconsciously think they ought to feel or are used to feeling.

  3. Helplessness - Occurs when there is nothing we can do. It underlies many feelings - frustration, impatience, anger, and anxiety. Something terrible is going to happen and I can't do a damned thing about it! Many disordered eaters combat their helplessness by taking action, usually in the form of micromanaging their food intake or consuming every morsel in sight.

  4. Anxiety - People who eat to sooth their nerves. These individuals are anxious about what they did yesterday and about what they're going to do tomorrow.

  5. Disappointment - Chronic disappointment can lead people to believe that they don't deserve to have positive expectations and outcomes in life. Wanting causes them to feel needy and so they deny their genuine desires. Because it's too scary to have expectations of themselves or of other people, they turn to something that's predictable and always in good supply - food. When an emotional eater suffers the letdown of disappointment, food picks them up, at least for a while.

  6. Confusion - It runs rampant in a population of eaters who are out of touch with their physical needs and wants. They're not sure whether they're really hungry or deserve to eat, what they should eat, when they're full, what they ought to look like, and what they should weigh. Most of their confusion is about the concept of enough in numerous areas of their lives. What drives their confusion is the desperate urge to find out what's right so they won't fail or make mistakes. Because it's difficult to tolerate the tension created by vague, mixed or conflicting feelings, they often give up and instead take a stroll down a supermarket aisle or focus on numbers, which are sharp and clear - on a scale or food package.

  7. Loneliness - A soul killer - no wonder lonely people seek solace in food! When disordered eaters feel this depth of loneliness, they're desperate to bond with something, anything - to merely feel alive.

You will begin to realize your dreams when you allow your emotions to speak to you, when you listen carefully to what they have to say, and when you make conscious choices based on authentic feelings couples with sound judgment. To do this, however, you must become conversant with the language that emotions speak - and that's often the language of pain.

People who allow themselves to experience their heartache and learn from it lead happy, successful lives, whereas people who run from emotional pain end up unhappy and unfulfilled.

So I think the feelings that stand out for me are Helplessness, Anxiety, Disappointment, and sometimes Loneliness.

There are so many things in this life that I have learned I have absolutely no control over. It makes me feel helpless - I don't like not having control (as I have talked about in earlier blogs). Eating gives me a sense of control - and it also feels very good. Problem is - when I have binged to give myself the feeling of control - I only end up feeling more out of control. Why did I do that?

I totally eat to soothe my nerves. This is still a problem for me. I had a disturbing appointment last week and as I was driving back to work I found myself screaming in the car "I just want a freakin' cheeseburger, damn it!" I passed an Arby's (which I love) and I just wanted to pull in for a roast beef sandwich and some curly fries! Make it go away!

Ah yes, Disappointment. Somehow in my twisted mind I have convinced myself that my favorite foods never disappoint me. They are always there for me when I need them - always providing the comfort I seek. When someone doesn't treat me the way I feel I deserve to be treated - food does - it makes me feel so good. But how twisted is that? It disappoints me every time - every pound I put on because of it.

I have had those moments of strolling down the supermarket aisles - searching for my comfort. I have found myself going faster and faster - not even knowing what I'm looking for - just knowing that I will know it when I find it. It could be some cookie dough - maybe brownie mix or frosting - or how about that Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream - or it could be something salty like Doritos or a sausage egg and cheese biscuit. I have even found myself standing in front of my pantry or refrigerator in the middle of the night after a stressful confrontation or a fight with my husband. I'm tired of the conflict and I am tired of feeling this way - give me some food to make it go away.

And having de-carbed since surgery - I can so see how carbs do affect my feelings. The few times that I have had some small carb with what I am eating since surgery have nearly sent me on an eating binge again. I can't even describe it! It just feels so good! I know that this surgery is the only way for me to divorce food. I can't binge anymore - I get sick - very ill - it downright hurts. In fact, there are days that eating is a downright chore.

Karen Koenig gives some great techniques for slowing down - recognizing the physical manifestations of our emotions and feelings - deep breathing that helps you become more in tune with what your body is trying to tell you.

So how is your relationship with food? Are you obsessed with it? Or are you using it the way it should be used? Have you learned to live with your feelings? Do you turn to food or to something else to not have to deal with those feelings? Do you have feelings which you have deemed "bad"? Why do we think emotions in and of themselves are bad? They were given to us by our creator for a reason. We should not ignore them or push them aside - we need to get to the root of the emotions and discern what they are telling us so that we can move on.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Good Things

So this week I did something I haven't done in a long time - I crossed my legs! HA!

Yesterday I ran into someone who I go to church with, but I don't see too often. I hadn't seen her since before surgery, and I don't believe she knows that I had the surgery. She said "I didn't recognize you, Pam. I think it must be because your hair is so long." I just smiled. A woman behind me said "No, you didn't recognize her because she's lost so much weight." My friend said "Well, that thought had crossed my mind, but I wasn't sure it was appropriate to say!" So let me tell y'all - it's always appropriate to tell someone she looks thinner!

Today as I was getting ready for church I pulled out my favorite shirt. It was humungous! I'm kinda bummed because I really love that shirt!

The other thing that I noticed today is that my butt hurts when sitting for too long. I have heard this can happen as you loose the extra padding. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!

I have discovered Lactaid pills. Now that is a good thing! I can take this as I am starting to eat anything with lactose in it and I don't get sick! Yeah! I still try to stay away from dairy products as much as possible, but when I just have to have something with cheese in it - I can take this pill and it makes it all OK.

And one last good thing ... I am going to go visit my sister! I am so excited. She has arranged for me to fly down to Clearwater and visit her for 4 days. I can't even tell you how much I need to get away right now. I love my sister for knowing this about me and helping me to make it happen. And I love my friends back home for helping me out with the things at home so that I can take this break. I just can't wait! I love spending time with my sister.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


So it does appear as though I hit on something with the lactose intolerance stuff. I have avoided all things dairy and when I haven't been able to avoid those things I have taken a fast acting lactaid pill. I have not gotten sick yet. Yeah! So while I am disappointed to have developed this lactose intolerance, I am very excited to know what the problem is so that I can address it.

I have tried chocolate Silk and that is pretty good. Plain Silk - not so much. Lactaid milk is OK - kind of sweet actually. Just trying to figure out what I can do to replace my milk obsession.

I was playing around with recipes in the kitchen again today. I made up one today that came out pretty good. I'm not sure what to call it, so for now I am going with Pam's Chicken and Pasta.

I took 3 large boneless skinless chicken breasts and put them in the crock pot this morning with a jar of spaghetti sauce and let that cook all day. When I got home from work I cooked up a box of Barilla Plus penne pasta. When that was done I put it in a casserole dish. Then I turned to the chicken - it was so tender that it shredded. I shredded it and mixed it with the pasta sauce and then spread that on top of the penne. On top of that I put some mozzerella cheese and baked it at 350 for about 15 minutes. It would be great with a side salad and some garlic bread. It got a thumbs up from my family.

I have been having a hard time seeing the difference in myself while I am loosing all this weight. So tonight I pulled out a before and a current picture to put side by side and see if I see a difference. What do you think?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

The Divorce Continues

I have mentioned before that this process is really a divorce from food. I had no idea just how painful this divorce was going to be.

I am totally addicted to milk, and to me cheese makes everything better. But I think that I have become lactose intolerant since surgery.

As I have stated on this blog before - I and my surgeon have been thinking that I am suffering from a stricture. But I did have a few times that I ate and did not get ill afterwards. So it got me to thinking - what was the difference? I started going back over what I was eating and realized I was having an awful lot of dairy in my quest for soft foods. Soft cheeses, cottage cheese, milk whenever I could get it. So today I decided to test my theory and see if I could go without anything with lactose in it. I made it most of the day and I was not sick! But then at dinner tonight I decided to make my kids some heart shaped waffles. One fell apart and I took a couple of bites of that dry waffle - which was made with ... milk!!!! In about 30 minutes I spent the next 2 hours in absolute misery.

So the divorce with my favorite foods continues. Before surgery I was talking to someone I go to church with who had the same surgery - with the same surgeon about 8 months before me. He said to me "It's like learning to eat all over again." Truer words have never been spoken!!!!

Friday, February 13, 2009

To the Doing of Your Love

With Valentine's Day approaching I find myself thinking about what else ... love.

Who has taught you the most about love in your life? The ultimate example of love for me is Jesus. His death so that I could live forever with him in heaven is the definition of unconditional love. I can never do anything to deserve such love, and yet he gives it to me freely.

But besides my heavenly father's example of love - the next person who has taught me the most about love is my earthly father. He is the one who taught me that love had nothing to do with feelings. He made a fantastic toast at my wedding about love - and here is what he said:

I can remember when Pam was in jr. high and we were having family devotions at the dinner table one night. We were studying love and I remember the look on her face when I told her that love had nothing to do with feelings - that love was not a feeling at all. God gave us a whole chapter in the Bible on love - I Corinthians 13. It's kind of a list of do's and don't's for love - and there is not a feeling in there. God makes this terrific promise in I Corinthians 13. He says if you do these do's and don't these don't's - Love Never Fails. That's a pretty terrific promise. So I would like to review those do's and don't's for Pam and Daren.

  • Be Patient
  • Be Kind
  • Rejoice in the Truth
  • Always Protect
  • Always Trust
  • Always Persevere


  • Envy
  • Boast
  • Be Proud
  • Be Self-Seeking
  • Be Easily Angered
  • Keep a Record of Wrongs
  • Delight in Evil

And so I raise my glass and make this toast to Pam and Daren ... To the doing of your love - that it may never fail.

Thanks, Daddy - for one of the most important lessons in my life. The first - that I can do nothing to deserve the ultimate gift of life from Jesus - but that I am worth it. The second - that love has nothing to do with feelings. That I will not always feel love and that is OK as long as I choose to love in the way that Christ has exampled it for me.

Happy Valentine's Day y'all!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Still ...

So I am still having problems with Kanga. She just seems to never be happy. The steroids don't seem to have worked. If I don't refund the Roo and manage to keep everything down - I have awful foamies and I am in pain for several hours afterwards - even liquids can do this to me now. It's kind of hit or miss. But I am miserable. Yesterday I was actually at -147 calories for the day because I went hiking. I am so tired because I am hardly getting any calories in. And because I am hardly taking anything in my body is holding on to every ounce of it so I haven't lost any weight this week.

So I called my surgeon today to let them know that the steroids didn't seem to work, etc... The nurse called me back and had me call the GI Doc and get in with them. I called the GI doc and they can't see me until next Friday. WWWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I was assured I wouldn't die staying on liquids until then. Yes, thank you, I realize I have enough fat to sustain me for quite some time. But that is just the consult. That isn't actually correcting the problem!

SSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - here I sit playing Russian Roulette with my food for another 8 days.

On another note - I kinda had a WOW moment today. I had to take my daughter to the doctor for a rash she has. My whole family sees one family doctor. I love him - Dr. Bloom. He is da bomb! Anyway - he hasn't seen me since I was trying to get my paperwork together for surgery. So he walked in and he got this huge smile and said "Did you have the surgery?" Yes, 6 weeks ago. He told me he could tell and that he thought I looked great and he was very excited for me. But the best was he couldn't believe my blood pressure was already under control. He checked it and it was phenomenal as usual. Yeah Me!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Keepin' Me Humble

So I am officially down 41 pounds! I am finding it difficult to find clothes to wear that aren't humungous on me. The clothes I do have that fit are capri's and clothes for spring. While the weather here in North Carolina is fabu these days (in the 70's this week!), I don't know how appropriate it is to wear capri's and sandals in February. But I have decided that y'all just have to get over it! If I don't wear these clothes now, I won't be able to wear them at all. And I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes I will only wear for such a short time. But I may have to just bite the bullet soon and spend some money. You know it's time to go shopping when even your underwear is falling off your heiny. YEE HAW!

So this past weekend's weather was gorgeous after weeks of really cold weather. Sunday the kids wanted to ride their bikes to a friends house. So I said "OK - let's ride our bikes over there." They said "But you are going to walk, right mom?" No - I think I will ride my bike. "You have a bike? You know how to ride a bike?" Um - yeah! I used to pull you guys in the bike trailer - I guess that was so long ago you don't remember. OK - no big deal. So my husband gets my bike out and pumps up the tires for me, etc... The kids and I walk our bikes down to the end of the driveway and we go to get on our bikes. I start riding away and I can hear delightful glee behind me as my kids start yelling "Great job, mom! You can do it! Keep going!" Part of me was being kept humble by my kids who never knew I could ride a bike because I wouldn't dare get my fat ass on one. But another little part of me was jumping up and down inside "Great job, mom! You can do it! Keep going!" Hehehehehehehehehe. Yeah me!

I find that I am at a part in my weight loss where I would normally be quite satisfied with myself and all the weight that I have lost. I find it almost strange that I just keep loosing. I know that sounds so weird - I am having trouble putting words to what I'm feeling and why. Maybe it's because I am getting really close to being a weight and a size that I have not been in a very long time.

I am also struggling with my food addictions and obsessions. I want an ice cold Pepsi in the worst way right now. But that would be like toxic for Kanga at this point so I have not indulged. I was sitting at the circus Friday night with my kids and the person behind me was having a hot dog. Good lord! I could smell it! I wanted that stupid hot dog! I have found myself a few times standing in front of the fridge just staring inside a few times. I finally stopped and asked myself what I was looking for - what do I want out of here. The answer was not food. There was nothing I was really hungry for. I wanted comfort. I wanted to totally stuff my face. I just can't do that. I have even forgotten a couple of times and eaten too fast ... that is an absolutely miserable experience, I have to tell you. I am convinced now more than ever that this is the only way I could have been successful in weight loss, by having this surgery.

I am still struggling with the stricture. I have been taking the steroids and they seemed to be helping for a while, but now I am having trouble again. We will see what this next week brings.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Making lemonade with my lemons

I am officially down 37 pounds since surgery. I had to take a picture of the outfit that I had on today. Just last week when I tried it on I could not button the pants. But today I slipped them on and went off to work! Never mind the hair today - it's attrocious - that's what happens when you spend the night worshipping the porcelain god.

I still don't see a difference, I just know that the clothes are fitting differently, etc...

My blood pressure is still good and I have not had any problems with my sleep apnea since surgery either.


So after a few days of misery I was able to get in to see Dr. Enochs today. Gotta tell ya - that man's smile makes it all OK. :)

Anyway - I have been having a lot of difficulty eating lately. Liquids stay down, but I am sore after I drink. Soft foods - well that is hit or miss. Sometimes Kanga refunds the Roo. When she does that has not been pretty - have had blood come up with it, etc... If the Roo stays down I am in pain for hours.

Dr. Enochs thinks that I may be working on a stricture in the area where my new stomach (a.k.a. Kanga) attaches to my intestines. Because I'm only 5 weeks out from surgery - it could just be swelling having to do with healing and not necessarily scar tissue. He wants to wait and let me heal a bit more before trying to go in there with endoscopy to fix things. He doesn't like to go in before 2 months has passed. So he gave me a script for some steroids to see if that shrinks things and makes it easier for me. I am to do the steroids for a few days and go back to liquids, and then try to advance to soft foods and see what happens. If I am still having trouble at the end of February then they will have me see the GI doc for an endoscopy. If things get worse before then they will address it. He would just like to give me a few more weeks if possible.

I hope that the steroids work. Not being able to eat and being in pain a lot of the time is getting really old.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Getting Better

OK - so the layoffs are over. Our department was affected, but my job is safe .... for now.

I have had some success with the Carafate When I use it I don't get sick after eating. But it's effectiveness only lasts for that meal. I took it this morning before breakfast and I had some juice with no problems. But later in the morning when I had my protein shake - not so much. I took it before lunch - and was good to go. So note to self - don't eat without taking the Carafate first.

I have an official weight loss update. I am down 35 pounds from surgery. That's 35 pounds in 5 weeks! I still can't believe it when I look at the scale.

This past weekend at the Super Bowl party that my mom had I was sitting around the table with my friends and one of them mentioned my blog. They were saying how they loved visiting Pamelot. Then one of them said "Soon it will be Pamelittle!" HAHAHAHAHAHA! That was clever!

So my row-mate at work, Krystal, decided that I need a new slogan for when I loose all the weight. She came up with the following "Half the Pam - All the Attitude." Oh yeah, I am so rockin' that.


OK - If I thought I was feeling nauseous yesterday - today is much worse. But not because of a physical ailment. Today is the day they are doing a major round of layoffs here at work. So I am sitting here trying to concentrate and get work done, but we keep hearing about so-and-so in that office, and so-and-so somewhere else getting the axe. Makes it a very nerve wracking morning. Hopefully they will just do it and get it done with quickly - by noon would be preferable. Hopefully Kanga doesnt' refund what little Roo she has in my cubicle trashcan here.

Monday, February 2, 2009


So the last couple of days have been pretty rough. Just when I thought I had mastered my WLS!

I have been trying to move from pureed foods to soft foods and it really had not been going well. Kanga was refunding the Roo quite regularly. I had decided to move back to just liquids, but even that was making me ill. I had feared a stricture was developing. A stricture is where scar tissue forms where the new pouch and the new entrance to the intestines are sewn together. Sometimes the scar tissue can get in the way and not allow food to pass through. The stricture can get so bad that it can even get to where liquids can not go through.

So I called the surgeons office today and talked to the nurse practitioner. She wanted to try something else before doing an endoscopy to rule out stricture. She prescribed something called Carafate for me. This will rule out anything kind of gastro-intestinal that may be going on with the lining, etc... that could be upsetting Kanga. I take it 30 minutes before eating and it kinda coats everything and makes it so that when I eat it's a little easier. It's nastiness in it's purest form to be sure, but so far seems to be doing the trick. I hope that this does work because me and endoscopy's are not friends. The last one I had (when I was having gallbladder problems) was horrific. They give you versed and you go into like a twilight sleep. You aren't under - just conscious enough to respond to commands, but you don't remember anything. Well, they had to back out the versed half way through and wake me all the way up because I was gagging uncontrollably. So I got to be awake for most of my endoscopy - and let me tell you - I would just rather forget.

So I'm hoping and praying that this is the answer and I don't have to go in for an endoscopy.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Another New Recipe

So I was thinking about what I could bring to the Super Bowl party at my mom's tonight that I could have and enjoy, but that others would enjoy as well. I came up with something I have decided to call Enchilada Dip. I'm not married to that name - so if you find something else please feel free to make suggestions.

First I put 3 large chicken breasts in the crockpot this morning with a box of chicken stock and an envelope of taco mix. I cooked them all day in the crock pot. When they were done the chicken just shredded - it was so yummy.

So I took the shredded chicken and put that at the bottom of a small baking dish. Then I layered a can of refried beans on top of that. On top of the beans I layered fat free sour cream. And on top of the sour cream I layered some Kraft Mexican Cheese. I put the baking dish in the oven at 350 for about 15 minutes.

I liked just scooping out some of the dip and eating it as is, but I also had some Scoops tortilla chips and a lot of people were using those to eat the dip. I imagine it would be good on some tortilla shells, too.

Neglecting Pamelot

I'm sorry that I have been neglecting Pamelot the past few days. It's been a busy weekend for me, and Kanga has been retaliating against me as well. I have had a lot of cases of the foamies and a few cases where Kanga refunded the Roo. I can't tell if Kanga just doesn't like the Roo - or if I'm eating too fast or too much or what. So I'm going to try to go back to liquids over the next day or so and see if that makes a difference.

And I am finding that just when I think I have "conquered" all of this mental stuff with food, I have not! I have struggled with my love affair with food a lot this weekend. I had a baby shower Friday night and I was good - I don't have much choice in the matter, but I wanted to be so bad. I also had a Super Bowl party at my mom's house tonight. The only way I didn't eat all the wonderful stuff in front of me was because I couldn't. I really wanted to. The chips, the brownies, the sausage. I wanted it all, and I worry what will happen when I can have it all again. I still have a ways to go as I divorce some of the foods I love so much.