Saturday, February 7, 2015


I have moved my blog.  Come visit me over at  That is where I will be posting from now on.  This site will still be here for archives and there is a link on  my new blog to this one.  But if you want to stay up to date on all things Pam .... come see me over there.  Thanks.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Is This Thing Still On?

Testing... Testing ... 1   2   3
Does this thing still work?

Monday, September 10, 2012

Emotional Struggles Post Weight Loss

So this life after losing weight can be up and down.  It's so exciting to lose the weight - I won't lie. Being able to fit in clothes I never thought I could. Being able to do things I never thought I could like zip lining and running races, rollerskating with my kids - even if it does end up with me on my ass.  :)  But at almost 4 years from my surgery I still wonder when I will recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. I see myself in pictures, but I don't recognize myself.  I wonder if it is because I was never this size when I was growing up.  I don't know.

I have long followed a pioneer in this WLS community who I admire, Michelle Vicari.  She has a fantabulous blog, The World According to Eggface. She has the most wonderful recipes and has been a lifesaver for me more times than I can remember.  She was on the premiere of the Ricki Lake show today and what she had to say about her own emotional journey hit me right at the core.

When will I see myself for who I am? Or am I still a size 26? Do I need to marry the two in order to make peace? Do I really need to leave my size 26 self behind? Is that fair? She is so much a part of who I am and has helped shape me - I don't feel like it's fair to just leave her behind.  I realize that I've worked hard to get where I am and to be a size 6, but the old Pam is never gone - she has really helped to shape the Pam I have become - hasn't she?

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Unbelievable ... 6?!?!?!?

So that last post was SUPER depressing.  Sorry about that. I promise to be less self indulgent here ....

Well, maybe not - this is Pamelot after all.  :)

Speaking of which ... I discovered something today that did brighten my spirits.  Made me a bit giddy for a bit.

I officially fit into a size 6!!!

Please don't burst my bubble by preaching to me about vanity sizing and all that nonsense.  I even went and tried on several things in size 6 to make sure it wasn't a fluke. 

If you had told me that I would EVER fit in a size 6 after being a size 26 for so long ...  Well, I mighta slapped yo' mama!

Just keep piling it on

Sometimes I wonder just how much I can take. I seem to be going through something of late. Depression? a down swing? I'm not sure. I've always been the strong one - always been the one to take care of everyone. I'm pretty good at it. But I'm just burnt out. For reasons I won't go into here - I'm so burnt out. I feel I am at the end of myself - I have nothing left to give. And I hate it. People keep telling me to take care of myself. And it's been making me so angry. And I have finally figured out why it makes me so angry. I don't know how. I have spent so much time taking care of everyone else I don't know how to take care of myself. Telling me over and over and over again to do it - doesn't help - it just frustrates the hell out of me. What I do know how to do is work. I know how to work hard and I know how to take care of others. That's not helping and it seems to be making things worse for me, and for those closest to me. I don't even know how to let others help me.

Adding to that level of stress - my body seems to be rebelling against me. Earlier this year I had 3 broken ribs. They were broken near my back and I went through physical therapy to strengthen the muscles of my back in the thoracic region and in my neck to help support that whole region after they healed as I was diagnosed with T4 Syndrome where the nerves that go through that spot in the back tend to get pinched and it makes for fun in the arms and neck. I was told at that point - stress is contributing to this. Yeah yeah yeah - got it. Lower my stress. Can I go back to work now?

Then in June I had to have surgery with Dr. Enochs again. I was having pain whenever I ate. He believed it to be scar tissue from all of the abdominal surgeries that I have had causing the pain. Turns out that it wasn't that. I had "extra" small intestine up by my pouch where food was getting stuck. So he took out about 3 inches of intestine and re-attached it to my stomach. Oh yeah - that was fun. I took off 5 days from work and was right back at it.

A few weeks ago I took my girls to a birthday party at a roller skating rink. I know you know where this is going... Yes - I put those stupid roller skates on. Yes - I fell. Yes - on my butt. But what happened was I caused a compression fracture up in the thoracic region where I have been having problems and I now have a herniated disc at T8. The pain radiates around the ribs and around to the sternum at times. Right now the doc is hopeful that it will heal on it's own.

Those of you following the blog and my health history also know that I have had kidney cancer. I am about 2 years out from having my right kidney removed for stage 2 renal cell carcinoma. This past week I went for my 2 year check up. I am happy to say I am still cancer free. But my urologis tdid find a kidney stone in my remaining kidney. Not normally a big deal, but when you only have 1 kidney - kidney stones become a big deal. Kidney stones are quite common on my side of the family, but so are 2 kidneys. :) So my doctor wants to run some tests while the stone is still in the kidney to determine why I may be forming them. Is it hereditary? Is it a metabolic disorder? Is it a side effect of the Topamax I take? Having had gastric bypass surgery I am at a higher risk of formin them as well. I go back to see him soon to review the results of some of the tests I am going to be having as well as to see if it has grown. If it has grown or if I have more - we will be taking those suckers out. I am not to pass it by any means because I only have 1 kidney and if it were to block things I could become septic. So if in between now and when I go back to see him I feel that I am passing the stone it means emergency surgery. "You need to take care of yourself Pam - I fear you have too much stress in your life right now." Gee - where have I heard that before?

Just keep piling it on. Please? At what point will I just simply break?

Sunday, July 22, 2012

One more thing off my list

There are some things I could have never imagined myself doing as my former fat self.  I always wanted to do them, but I could never have brought myself to do them.  I was afraid that I would embarass myself somehow. And, of course, the ever present fear that I may break whatever equipment might be used.

But I have been trying different things more and more on the list I have always kept in my head of things that I always wanted to try.  I guess you could compare it to a bucket list.  Things I have always wanted to do before I die??  But these are really just things I always wanted to do if I ever got  skinny.  :)  So it's my Skinny List.

The lastest thing I got to try ... Ziplining.  It was fantastic. I was able to feel like I was flying through the trees.  And the best part - I was able to participate with my kids - something that before  I would have had to watch from afar - now I got to do it with them - a memory we will both have for forever.

Monday, June 25, 2012


So in the last year I have finally had to deal with the nasty truth of malabsorption.  What does that mean?  Well, as a result of gastric bypass surgery I don't absorb everything I should.  Why?  Because a good portion of my intestines were re-routed. A major reason this surgery is not to be taken lightly.  It is permanent and has long lasting, life-altering implications.

My migraines started coming back and they would not let go.  I started seeing a neurologist to get them under control.  I didn't like him much.  He wouldn't listen to me. Because I now only have one kidney and because I have a small tummy I am very cautious about taking nsaids.  Cautious to the point of just plain not taking them.  In fact, I list them as an allergy.  The neurologist that I was seeing found that quite annoying in his treatment of my pain.  He really really wanted to treat me with nsaids.  When I was adamant that I would not take them he pretty much washed his hands of me and said he was out of options as far as pain management was concerned.  I found that hard to believe, so I found another doctor.

The doctor I did find was fantastic. He got rid of my headache and got me on a preventative course of treatment that has been working very well for me.  But something that we found while trying to get to the right dose of preventative medication is that it was taking a lot more of the preventative medication then he thought it would to get me to "maintenance". It was a little scary as one of the preventative medications I take is actually an anti-seizure medication with some pretty hefty side effects. I take a heavier dose than most people with epilepsy at this point due to my malabsorption. And we also had to add other medications to the mix as well.

We have also found that pain medications that I take by mouth I usually have to take more of in order for them to be effective.  The anxiety/anti-depressant medication that I take had to be doubled this past year as well.

So while I am excited to be down to under my goal weight - everything seems to come with a price tag.  You have to weigh the pro's and con's for yourself.  For me - the pro's of a much healthier lifestyle currently outweigh the con's of malabsorption.  But it has opened my eyes to what I need to keep my eye on in order to stay healthy the rest of my life.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

What's New

So what do I update you with?  I mean it's been a year - a lot has happened.  I can't possibly tell you everything, right?  So let's just hit the highlights.

A great higlight is that I am almost 10 pounds below the goal that my surgeon set for me at the time he did my surgery!  I can't quite believe that.  When he set my goal at the very beginning.  I thought it was a bit comical.  I never thought I would actually hit it, much less go below it.  It took me over 3 years to get there, but I did it.

I am also comfortably in a size 8.  I don't ever remember being in a size 8.  Ever.  Not in Jr. High, not in High School.  Not ever.  In fact, I don't remember being the weight that I am right now for any real length of time. 

So again - this is a tool - not a quick fix. Three and a half years to loose 145 pounds. That sounds about right, wouldn't you say? It's a tool that I am thankful for every day, but a tool nonetheless.

More to come soon as I get y'all caught up.  It's good to be back.  I missed ya.  :)

I'm still here!

I'm still here!  I haven't disappeared!  I know it's been a year.  I apologize profusely.  I've been busy and haven't had too much to say.  I know - hard to believe, eh?  :)  Not for long.

I'm back my peeps! 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

1 Year Cancer Free

So 1 year ago we bid Elvira adieu. I guess you can say that I am now 1 year cancer free.  For some reason I am much more emotional about that now than I was a year ago.  I'm not sure if it was because when I was actually in the midst of dealing  with all of this a year ago I was just in pure survival mode or what.  I didn't really have time to be emotional about having cancer when I was faced with it a year ago.  It was so surreal - all the words that were floating around.  Kidney ... tumor ... bone scan ... cancer ... stages ... survival.  I just needed to survive.  And I did.  And now ... on the other side ... I can look back ... and appreciate just what that means.  I had kidney cancer.  And now I don't.  And it kind of freaks me out sometimes.  And I am blessed.