Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Belated Easter Message

So here is my belated Easter message on my blog. I apologize for not getting this out in a more timely manner. We have had visitors at our house for the past week. We also had about 25 people to our little house for Easter. It was so great. Our closest friends and family. The perfect way to celebrate our freedom in the Lord.

Easter is my favorite holiday. The chance to reflect on what my Lord has done for me. What he would have done for me - if I was the only one. How much he loved me. The picture of love that is depicted for me in a sacrifice I will never fully understand or appreciate.

Many of you saw The Passion of The Christ that was released several years ago. I was so moved by the realistic protrayal of what my Lord did for me. I was particularly moved by the portrayal of Mary. What did she know? What did she understand about what was happening to her son? Being a mother myself - understanding that love and desire to never see my child hurt ... I can't even put into words how my heart would break to watch my son make that kind of sacrifice for people who didn't understand or apreciate just what he was doing. A song that has always moved me to tears is called "Mary Did You Know".

It ends with the most important scene of the movie - the resurrection. Christ's death is MEANINGLESS without the resurrection. It is the resurrection that gives me life, hope, freedom. It is because of the resurrection that all things are made new again.

And because He is Alive we don't ask What Would Jesus Do? Let's be honest - how can we replicate that perfect example? We can strive and live to be His follower by instead asking What Is Jesus Doing? What is He doing right now and right here in the lives of those around us and how can I be a part of it? My greatest joy in life would be to be used by God to do His work in someone elses life.

There is NOTHING I can do to earn His grace and His mercy. I don't deserve the gift of life that Jesus has given me. How much would ever be enough?

And yet I fight and I struggle against the hands that are holding me. Over and over again I overlook the sacrifice that has been made for ME! And it's been made for you, too! Are you struggling and fighting teh hands that are trying to hold you? He wants you to know that He loves you and that He will never let you go. Don't make it harder than it needs to be.

A Belt!

Today I am wearing a belt! I know - that doesn't sound like much to you guys - but I don't think I have even OWNED a belt since jr. high - maybe high school? The clothes that I was able to scratch together from my mom no longer fit me. They are all too big already. But I don't have the money to be buying clothes that won't fit me very long. So I'm trying to make do with what I have.

Here are some pics I took. They aren't the best - but they show the belt and just how big these pants are!

Such an interesting problem for me to have. I've always dealt with clothes that don't fit - but always because they were too small! I can remember my freshman year in high school. I had tried out for the cheerleading squad. I didn't make it as a regular, but as a substitute. I would take it. That meant that if anyone was sick or couldn't cheer for some reason - I would cheer in their place. That meant that I had to know what to do in everyone's position so that I could fill in at a moments notice. That also meant that I had to fit into anyone's uniform at any moment. There weren't enough uniforms for me to have my own - and no money to buy my own. So if someone was out - I had to fit into their uniform. Can I just tell you - it scared the bejeezus out of me? There were some teeny tiny girls on that squad! Uniforms in a size 0! Uniforms in a size 2! I mean - I would be lucky if I was in a size 10! You have to be kidding me! So my first opportunity to cheer came up. And don't you know it was one of those skinny beyotch's! :) (If any of you are reading this - you know I am joking!) There was no way I was squeezing into a 2. We ended up switching things around and someone smaller than me squeezed into the 2 and I squeezed into a 7 I think. Still needed a safety pin, etc..., but I was simply horrified by the whole experience. Eventually that year someone had to drop off the squad and I was made a permanent cheerleader. I loved cheerleading - but I was acutely aware that I was always the heaviest on the team. I was always the base on the bottom of the pyramid or the stand. "Go ahead - climb on up! No big deal." And it wasn't. The rest of them were so petite and tiny. You will never hear anyone use those words to describe me! And I have come to accept that. I don't say that as in "Whoa is me - I am such a pig." It's part of who I am and I am OK with that. I have always been the big girl with the big hair and the big personality. Go big or stay home is my motto. Even in weight loss. I either have to go whole hog and have this surgery and loose it all - or why bother? If I can only do something half-assed I don't want to do it. It's how I live, it's how I love, it's how I am.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Things that feel good and things that feel bad.

I can't believe this - but I am still jogging! I am averaging 3-4 times a week. It feels so good to do it.

Other things that do not feel so good ... my hips (I am going to physical therapy for some bio-mechanical and strengthening stuff), my knees (I have arthritis in both of my knees already - hoping losing this weight will help to stem my journey to total knee replacement), and my tailbone! OW! My butt hurts so bad! I broke my tailbone back in jr. high. We were playing a game in the gym - in the dark and I ran smack into Scott True - fell backwards - right on my butt. I remember sitting on one of those stupid donuts for like a week or so. Now that I have less padding in that general area - sitting has turned downright painful. And even more painful - standing up from sitting! Seriously - it hurts! I am going to try to go to the chiropractor later this week and see if there isn't anything he can do to help me. Otherwise when I go to my PCP next week I will mention it to him then.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Flirting with 65 pounds down

I finally got to the store yesterday and got a new scale. So this morning I weighed myself bright and early and I am 4.8 pounds down! I am so close to 65 pounds down!

We had a big garage sale at my parents house yesterday. They have sold their house and are going to be parking their RV in my side yard and living there for a while. We also had a bunch of stuff in the garage sale since we are turning our bonus room into my dad's office. So we've been going through a bit of a cleansing process on all fronts. I put a TON of fat clothes in the sale. The rule was everything that left the house did not come back. So when we were done, D took the remnants to the goodwill.

Going through my fat clothes was kind of difficult. It's cleansing and important - I don't want to go back there - getting rid of the clothes helps me not to look back. But it is such a comfortable place to be. Even the clothes that I had recently inherited from my mom and others are now starting to be too big. It's an interesting problem to have to be sure. Not something I've ever dealt with before.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Hello, my name is Pam, and I am addicted to my scale.

UGH! My girls flooded my lovely digital scale that I had grown to love, and now it doesn't work! I used to avoid scales at all costs (you would too if you weighed what I did - I hated that dang thing!). But since my surgery I have come to accept my scale, even anticipate getting on it! Every morning when I got out of bed - no matter how hard it may have been to get out of bed - at least I could step on my scale and see something that made me smile.

Now with my trusty friend no longer in my life - I feel like I am going through withdrawal! I know - you will say - just go to WalMart and get a new one, Pam! I would love to! I have just been so busy this week - I literally haven't had time to go there! I'm hoping this weekend I will be able to find some time. But I am literally jonesing to get on the scale!