Saturday, November 14, 2009

Throwing Away Feels Good

I love throwing things away. Love it.  Decluttering feels good down deep in my soul.  I'm always amazed at how quickly I accumulate stuff (a.ka. junk).

Recently we have been moving some things around in our house.  We had been using our dining room as an office.  This was mostly because we had a desktop computer and lots of books and nowhere to put them.  We also did not have a nice dining room table - so what's the point?  We had a small kitchen table.  But now we have inherited my mom's nice dining room table and her matching hutch.  The hutch was in the living room as a sofa table (kinda) and the nice table was crammed into our eating area in the kitchen.  So upon suggestion from  my mom we decided to flip flop everything - take the office apart - put the desk in the kitchen and put the nice table in the dining room.  Sounds simple right?  Yeah - not so much - we've been at it for over 2 weeks now.  We had so much crap in the office - we've had to go through it - decide if it's necessary, needed, wanted, or can just be tossed.  I get a little too excited about throwing stuff away.  :)  Not only have we gone through the office (now the dining room again) but we have gone through a bunch of stuff that was in the kitchen.  We had a traditional "junk" drawer - and  a bread box that we never used for bread that was full of odds and ends too.

So as we have gone through the junk in the kitchen, Daren came to me with several items that I had traditionally held very tight to.  One was my Weight Watchers bag.  A little black bag with all my Weight Watchers stuff in it.  The plan - the eating out book - a bunch of stuff.  I always wanted to hang on to it because I was going to do Weight Watchers ... again ... for real this time ... when my head is ready ... I know I can do it.  Daren came to me with it - a big smile on his face.  "Do you want this?"  I did a little dance while I yelled "NO I DON'T!"  I weigh 20 pounds less than I did when I got married - can you tell I'm excited?  :)

Then he came to me with something that almost made me cry.  It was my blood sugar tester.  I had gestational diabetes with both of my pregnancies and several flirtations with Type 2 diabetes since then.  I hated that damn thing.  Hated pricking my finger - hated watching the number climb higher and higher.  I avoided that stupid thing like the plague.  But I kept it cause I knew I needed it and I needed to be able to check my blood sugar from time to time.  So when he asked me if I wanted to keep it - I chose my reaction - instead of crying - I did a little dance and yelled "NO I DON'T!" 

I really do love throwing things away.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Biggest Loser

I am a big fan of The Biggest Loser. I haven't always been a fan. When it first came on I saw a few episodes, but I just couldn't get into it. And I know why - there was just something wrong about sitting in front of the TV eating Doritos and watching others work their butts off and losing tons of weight. I just didn't want to be reminded of what I wasn't doing for myself.

But once my head was in the right place and I myself was losing weight I became a huge fan of the show. That was just this past season. And I quickly became a HUGE fan of Daniel. For several reasons. The first being that I felt he had the desire - had come to that mental place of making the big changes in his life that were so desperately needed - and I felt bad that his partner (David) had not come to that same place and was proving to be a hinderance in his journey. The second reason I was a huge fan is because I kina felt like I knew him! Daniel went to my kids school (my kids attend a small Christian school) - we had seen him on campus - everyone knew who Daniel was. So he was the hometown kid and even though he didn't know me - I felt like I knew him (though I realize I really didn't). My kids also recognized him and we quickly began to cheer him on.
We were super excited to find out that he had been given a second chance on this latest season of the show. His humble attitude and gracious spirit led him to choose Shay as his partner - he identified with being the heaviest contestant on the show. (On a side note - how does losing 17 pounds in one week earn you the privelege of getting voted off?!?!?! Seriously? So wrong!)
So we were so disappointed when he got voted off the show last night - just 2 pounds shy of losing 200 pounds! He has accomplished so much and even though we really don't know him - feel a sense of pride in his awesome accomplishments.
At the end of the episode they did the "reveal" of the ousted players. They showed Daniel going home and re-uniting with his family. They also showed him re-uniting with his friend, David, from the previous season. David is obviously still struggling with his weight. When Daniel asked him where his head was with his weight his response was ""I've got other things going on that are more important to me right now," he told Daniel. "I'm overweight, yeah I'm a big guy... I don't feel unhealthy. So when that changes, then I'll start losing it."
I just started to cry when he said that. That is exactly where I was at one time. I had other priorities. I had small children that took up all my time. I had a career that I was trying to move up in. I didn't "feel" unhealthy. I also recently saw an interview that Ellen did with Mo'nique where she addressed her recent weight loss. She said she started out at 262 pounds and that at that weight when she looked at herself naked in the mirror she didn't see anything wrong with herself - she saw a sex kitten - full of life and vitality.
I did all the same things ... for years. I wouldn't do Weight Watchers. I wouldn't entertain surgery. I knew that I was not mentally ready. And to cover I convinced myself that I was OK with who I was and how fat I was. I was a good person. I was a nice person. I was outgoing and I had lots of friends. I chose to ignore a lot of things. I chose to ignore my high blood pressure that had me taking 3 different pills. I chose to ignore the SEVERE sleep apnea I had that impaired my sleep as well as my body's ability to regenerate, etc.... I chose to ignore my high levels of triglycerides, my high cholesterol, my insulin resistance, my not-so-gradual path to type 2 diabetes, my inability to breathe going up stairs, the fact that all of my doctors were concerned about my health, the fact that my children couldn't sit on my lap - or rather my lack of lap.
I knew that I needed to loose the weight - but I also knew that I wasn't ready. I knew that any effort to do it would be totally unfruitful until my mind caught up with what my body was screaming at me. So seeing David say that totally brought me back - seeing him in such denial about his need to change broke my heart. But to be honest - until he's ready - he won't be able to do it. And it's obvious he's not ready. This battle is as much a mental battle as it is a physical battle. Dealing with my issues and going through this divorce from food was one of the most difficult mental battles I have ever been through.
So I am praying for the renewing of David's mind and healing of his heart. I know that his friend Daniel will be there to help him along the way when he is ready.
And thank you for being such an inspiration, Daniel. Not only to me and to my family, but to all of those who's hearts you have touched through your appearance on The Biggest Loser.