Ramblings ....

So I keep thinking "I'm going to blog about that ..." and then it doesn't turn into much to talk about.  So excuse me if this blog is rambling a bit - just a bunch of things going on in my head.

So I'm now 13 months out from surgery.  I have been stuck playing with the same few pounds since September.  I had to stop running when I had the vertigo problems and the ear surgery.  It took me a while to get back into a good running routine with how cold it has been here.  I have a hard time running in the cold - my old asthma rears it's ugly head then.  I am now back into a good running and exercise routine in order to meet my running goals for 2010.  But I am still stuck at the same weight. Frustrating.

I had my 1 year follow up appointment with my doctor.  He was happy with my progress but would like to see me loose another 20 pounds.  I, personally, would like to loose another 30 pounds.  I have come so far - I find it hard to believe I can't loose this last 30 pounds.  So I have recommitted myself to tracking my calories and my exercise on http://www.livestrong.com/ (they took over The Daily Plate).  I am trying to stick to 1100-1200 net calories a day.  I am easily able to eat about 1500 or so calories a day.  That is really wreaking havoc with my brain.  This part won't make sense to some of you.  I know that is a normal amount of calories to be taking in - possibly even still pretty low.  But it scares me.  I'm afraid to take in too much more than that in a day.  The fact that I haven't lost weight in 3 or so months scares me.  I am not ready to be done and I am afraid of going in the other direction.  I have actually started dreaming about it - waking up and I'm up over 200 pounds and I'm so mad and afraid and disappointed.

And there are some days I think Kanga has become made of steel - I can eat a lot of things I couldn't before - I can take in more than I could before.  I don't like that.  I don't want to go back to "normal".  And then there are some days that she reminds me that she is still in charge and I can't get more than a couple of bites of anything or I dump on something that hasn't caused me to dump in the past.

I did get my hand slapped at my 1 year follow up with Dr. Enochs.  I am not good at the vitamin regimine.  And for no good reason - just not good at it.  So I really need to get on top of that pretty quickly here.  I am going to have some bloodwork run soon and that should give us an idea of what the impact of that truly is.

Some other things that have been rearing their ugly heads now that I am a year out:  I have been having some off and on pain my abdomen.  Sometimes it's breath-taking pain - sometimes it's just an ache.  I talked to Dr. Enochs about it and he has a couple of different concerns that can be common after gastric bypass.  One is scar tissue.  I have had quite a few abdominal surgeries - 2 c-sections, an open hysterectomy, an open gallbladder removal, and some laparascopic surgeries.  So I most likely have quite a bit of scar tissue - that could be catching or kind of strangulating my intestines.  Something else that is common is that you can get an internal hernia once all the fat that used to hold things in place is gone.  So what do we do about it?  The only way to tell if the pain I'm having is one of these two things is to have surgery - there's no test that will tell them definitively if one of these things is what is happening.  It's a fine line to when we decide to do something about it - right now it doesn't normally interfere with daily life, but it could happen over night and become something that needs to be taken care of immediately.  So the approach we are taking right now is "watchful waiting".  We shall see.

I have also started having some reactive hypoglycemia symptoms.  I haven't had that officially checked out, but it looks like that is what I am dealing with - drops in blood sugar that make me weak and shaky, etc...  From what I can track it appears to be reactive which means I should be able to control it with what I am eating and how often I eat.  I plan on talking to my doctor about it when I see him next week.

I see my doctor next week to get fitted for orthotics for my running shoes.  I seem to have developed bursitis in my left foot and I don't want anything to distract me from my goals for running this year.

Speaking of running goals - I have already raised $500 for my Polar Plunge after the 2010 Torch Run.  I can't believe I have raised that much money!  I am looking forward to that run and will be sure to post pictures of of the craziness that ensues.

So thanks for listening to me ramble on and on.  I just had a bunch of things on my mind and no clear way to get them all out, but getting them out on this blog really is cathartic.

Biggest Loser

I am a big fan of The Biggest Loser. I haven't always been a fan. When it first came on I saw a few episodes, but I just couldn't get into it. And I know why - there was just something wrong about sitting in front of the TV eating Doritos and watching others work their butts off and losing tons of weight. I just didn't want to be reminded of what I wasn't doing for myself.

But once my head was in the right place and I myself was losing weight I became a huge fan of the show. That was just this past season. And I quickly became a HUGE fan of Daniel. For several reasons. The first being that I felt he had the desire - had come to that mental place of making the big changes in his life that were so desperately needed - and I felt bad that his partner (David) had not come to that same place and was proving to be a hinderance in his journey. The second reason I was a huge fan is because I kina felt like I knew him! Daniel went to my kids school (my kids attend a small Christian school) - we had seen him on campus - everyone knew who Daniel was. So he was the hometown kid and even though he didn't know me - I felt like I knew him (though I realize I really didn't). My kids also recognized him and we quickly began to cheer him on.

We were super excited to find out that he had been given a second chance on this latest season of the show. His humble attitude and gracious spirit led him to choose Shay as his partner - he identified with being the heaviest contestant on the show. (On a side note - how does losing 17 pounds in one week earn you the privelege of getting voted off?!?!?! Seriously? So wrong!)

So we were so disappointed when he got voted off the show last night - just 2 pounds shy of losing 200 pounds! He has accomplished so much and even though we really don't know him - feel a sense of pride in his awesome accomplishments.

At the end of the episode they did the "reveal" of the ousted players. They showed Daniel going home and re-uniting with his family. They also showed him re-uniting with his friend, David, from the previous season. David is obviously still struggling with his weight. When Daniel asked him where his head was with his weight his response was ""I've got other things going on that are more important to me right now," he told Daniel. "I'm overweight, yeah I'm a big guy... I don't feel unhealthy. So when that changes, then I'll start losing it."

I just started to cry when he said that. That is exactly where I was at one time. I had other priorities. I had small children that took up all my time. I had a career that I was trying to move up in. I didn't "feel" unhealthy. I also recently saw an interview that Ellen did with Mo'nique where she addressed her recent weight loss. She said she started out at 262 pounds and that at that weight when she looked at herself naked in the mirror she didn't see anything wrong with herself - she saw a sex kitten - full of life and vitality.

I did all the same things ... for years. I wouldn't do Weight Watchers. I wouldn't entertain surgery. I knew that I was not mentally ready. And to cover I convinced myself that I was OK with who I was and how fat I was. I was a good person. I was a nice person. I was outgoing and I had lots of friends. I chose to ignore a lot of things. I chose to ignore my high blood pressure that had me taking 3 different pills. I chose to ignore the SEVERE sleep apnea I had that impaired my sleep as well as my body's ability to regenerate, etc.... I chose to ignore my high levels of triglycerides, my high cholesterol, my insulin resistance, my not-so-gradual path to type 2 diabetes, my inability to breathe going up stairs, the fact that all of my doctors were concerned about my health, the fact that my children couldn't sit on my lap - or rather my lack of lap.

I knew that I needed to loose the weight - but I also knew that I wasn't ready. I knew that any effort to do it would be totally unfruitful until my mind caught up with what my body was screaming at me. So seeing David say that totally brought me back - seeing him in such denial about his need to change broke my heart. But to be honest - until he's ready - he won't be able to do it. And it's obvious he's not ready. This battle is as much a mental battle as it is a physical battle. Dealing with my issues and going through this divorce from food was one of the most difficult mental battles I have ever been through.

So I am praying for the renewing of David's mind and healing of his heart. I know that his friend Daniel will be there to help him along the way when he is ready.

And thank you for being such an inspiration, Daniel. Not only to me and to my family, but to all of those who's hearts you have touched through your appearance on The Biggest Loser.

Inspire!

Another thing that I have heard a bit of lately is "You are such an inspiration!" Again - the compliments sometimes make me uncomfortable and I am working at taking them more graciously and in stride. So I got to thinking about that word - INSPIRE. This is what the dictionary says it means?

1. to affect, guide, or arounse by divine influence
2. to fill with enlivening or exalting emotion
3. to stimulate to action; motivate
4. to draw forth; elicit or arouse
5. To be the cause or source of; bring about
6. To breathe life into
7. to stimulate energies, ideals, or reverence

And so in thinking about this word and about all that has happened in my life this past year - I started thinking about those who inspire me. I found this quote below and it summed up a lot of my thoughts perfectly:

There are so many people in my life who inspire me. It feels great to be told that you are an inspiration - so I wanted to spread the love. Here is a list of people who inspire me!

• Daren - you have had an exceptionally rough year and you continually show me your committment to me and to your family by doing whatever needs to be done - even if it is hard or painful. You have gone above and beyond.
• My parents - collectively and individually. They have truly taught me by example that I can do hard things.
• My kids - their amazement and wonder at the world around them allows me to see things through the eyes of a child - all new and sparkly. :)
• My sister - again with I can do hard things - seems to be a theme in our family. :)
• Shari - you have been through a lot on this WLS journey - you are a wealth of wisdom and information. You pass it on like no one else can.
• Nikki M. - for teaching me to rock what I got and love my body - extra skin and all - after all - it's the only one I got!
• Pam T. - working your way up to a 10 mile race! Your blog and seasoned advice are always timely and accurate.
• Krystal - yes, you are a GREAT mom!
• April - you can make anything fun!
• Rachel - for doin' it "the hard way" - pushing through and keeping the end in sight.
• Jen M. - for cheering me on in my running - pushing me to further distances - encouraging me up those hills!
• Rebecca - following your dream and going back to school - and for being my "walk the walk" friend.
• Amy S. - your thoughtfulness and insightfulness are great!
• Marsha - what would I do if I didn't have you for a neighbor?
• Dani - your first race! Don't worry - those haters don't read my blog. :)
• Becky - you are a good friend who sticks closer than a "sister" - even during the hard times.
• Liz - I love your "homesteading"
• Linda H. - you are so good at what you do
• Aunt Maggie and Audrey - taking the road less traveled - but if you can do it - I can do it!

• Tonya N. - your passion for a cause that is not only so important but near and dear to your heart is totally inspiring.
• Amy J. - you just totally make me laugh with your stories about your dog!
• Dana S. - going back to school and becoming a lawyer - you rock!
• Tracy E. - IRON GIRL!
• Kelsey - leaving yourself open to God's plan for your life.
• Aunt Stacy - showing me that living with a difficult man can be done. :)
• Debbie H. - going back to school while working full time.
• Marcy - living a life of service in a foreign country.
• Kellie F. - being so great at what you do and your love for the kids in your class.
• Terry and Gynell - being right where God has called you.
• Laura E. - pursuing your dream and going back to school.
• Leah G. - you inspire me with your blog - not to mention your friendship. :)
• RickPete - your introspection into the changes happening in your life are thoughtful and provoking.
  
  
  

So thank you to all who inspire me in so many different ways. You have all stimulated me to action in ways I couldn't even imagine. Thank you for allowing me to bask in the glow of your inspiration. :)

Out of Body Experience

Today I am feeling like I have had an out of body experience.

This morning I discovered the joy of running with tunes. I don't have an MP3 player (yet! Hint Hint D! My birthday is just around the corner!), but I found ear buds for my phone this morning and I have some songs on there - so I took my phone along for the run. It's like I stop fighting my brain when the music is playing - I just keep going. I'm not thinking about "OK - if I can just get to that mailbox over there I can walk for a little bit." or "You can do this - just a little farther." It's just the music. And I think I go faster, too - in time with the music.

So this morning I thought I would try to add a little distance to my run since it was going so well. I wasn't sure until I left for work just how far I had gone. When I left for work I drove my route to check the mileage. 4 Miles! Without stopping!

Did I just say that? I ran 4 miles this morning without stopping? WHOA! Wait - who said that?

It is totally like an out of body experience! And, of course, now my body is like "Um, hello? Just what do you think you are doing? I don't know if you got the memo, but we don't run!"

You have to understand - I did track and field in high school - emphasis on the FIELD. My coach always made us run to warm up - even if we weren't "runners" per se. And I hated every second of running. Running a mile was a major ordeal. I had awful asthma in high school. Each year I would end up practically passing out at the beginning of the season from a bad asthma attack. Field events were my game - shot put, javelin, high jump - whatever. But I didn't run. If I did run my coach would put me in a short race - 100 or 200 and I absolutely hated it. Once he put me in a 400 and when I finally crossed the finish line I punched him. I was like "Don't ever do that to me again!" Once my boyfriend graduated from high school and wasn't doing track anymore - I didn't do track anymore. If I am completely honest - I only did it to spend time with him (we had a couple of track meets that were out of state where we were gone from school for several days - or we would get out of school early for meets). I was so glad not to do it my senior year.

So to find myself running - actually wanting to run - so much so that I am going to do a 5K ... it's surreal! My husband just keeps shaking his head at me. My mom just looks at me in stunned silence like "Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?" I expected a lot of things to change in my life from having this surgery, never ever in my wildest dreams was this one of them.

I've lost my ever-lovin' mind!

OK - I posted here a while back that I had started running. And it doesnt' seem to be a fluke. I continue to run and it boggles my mind.

And this weekend I have done something that I never in my wildest imagination ever thought I could do - much less want to do. I am signing up to run a 5K. I have found a race that is being run in 2 weeks on May 23 in downtown Raleigh. It is a fun race and that is what I want for my first 5K (does that mean there will be more???).

It is put on my Skirt Sports and is called the Skirt Chaser 5k. Skirt Sports makes these great skirts for you to do just about anything in. The race is called the skirt chaser because the women get a 3 minute head start on the men - who then become the skirt chasers! The women who start first are called the "Catch Me" wave and the men who start second are called the "Skirt Chaser" wave.

I am curently running a little over 2 miles, so I need to step up my training over the next two weeks to be ready for the 5K - but now that I have put it out there for the world to see I will be held accountable.

So who wants to run with me? Or at least meet me at the finish line? I could use all the encouragement I can get! :)

A Belt!

Today I am wearing a belt! I know - that doesn't sound like much to you guys - but I don't think I have even OWNED a belt since jr. high - maybe high school? The clothes that I was able to scratch together from my mom no longer fit me. They are all too big already. But I don't have the money to be buying clothes that won't fit me very long. So I'm trying to make do with what I have.


Here are some pics I took. They aren't the best - but they show the belt and just how big these pants are!

Such an interesting problem for me to have. I've always dealt with clothes that don't fit - but always because they were too small! I can remember my freshman year in high school. I had tried out for the cheerleading squad. I didn't make it as a regular, but as a substitute. I would take it. That meant that if anyone was sick or couldn't cheer for some reason - I would cheer in their place. That meant that I had to know what to do in everyone's position so that I could fill in at a moments notice. That also meant that I had to fit into anyone's uniform at any moment. There weren't enough uniforms for me to have my own - and no money to buy my own. So if someone was out - I had to fit into their uniform. Can I just tell you - it scared the bejeezus out of me? There were some teeny tiny girls on that squad! Uniforms in a size 0! Uniforms in a size 2! I mean - I would be lucky if I was in a size 10! You have to be kidding me! So my first opportunity to cheer came up. And don't you know it was one of those skinny beyotch's! :) (If any of you are reading this - you know I am joking!) There was no way I was squeezing into a 2. We ended up switching things around and someone smaller than me squeezed into the 2 and I squeezed into a 7 I think. Still needed a safety pin, etc..., but I was simply horrified by the whole experience. Eventually that year someone had to drop off the squad and I was made a permanent cheerleader. I loved cheerleading - but I was acutely aware that I was always the heaviest on the team. I was always the base on the bottom of the pyramid or the stand. "Go ahead - climb on up! No big deal." And it wasn't. The rest of them were so petite and tiny. You will never hear anyone use those words to describe me! And I have come to accept that. I don't say that as in "Whoa is me - I am such a pig." It's part of who I am and I am OK with that. I have always been the big girl with the big hair and the big personality. Go big or stay home is my motto. Even in weight loss. I either have to go whole hog and have this surgery and loose it all - or why bother? If I can only do something half-assed I don't want to do it. It's how I live, it's how I love, it's how I am.

Climb

OK - I swear - I am not a dork. I am not 35 years old and listening to Miley Cyrus.

But ... I did hear this song today and since my girls were in the car I could not change the channel. The lyrics really spoke to me:

Climb

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep the head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a up-hill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to loose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes I knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a up-hill battle

Sometimes you're gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a up-hill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby

It's all about, it's all about the climb

Keep the faith, Keep your faith.

I know this is how I feel a lot lately. In reality - I am losing a ton of weight - really fast. But I get lost when I start trying to look around my mountain instead of realizing that I have so many lessons to learn while I'm climbing. I want to be thin ... NOW! But if I don't take the time to learn the lessons that this surgery has afforded me - I will just be right back where I started in a few short years. I have the voices telling me that I can't do this - that I am destined to be the fat chic.

So what mountain are you climbing right now? Are you so focused on what should be on the other side that you are not enjoying the climb? I know - sometimes the climb is NOT enjoyable. But it's the lessons we learn while we're climbing that make the other side so sweet! Is your faith wavering because you have been climbing for so long? Is that voice in your head telling you you'll never make it? Keep the faith!

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

Hear that? I have a hope and a future! And you do, too!

Enjoy the climb, friends!

Whatever You're Doing

This is a post I originally made a note on my Facebook page. I found it earlier today and I just had to post it again because it is again - just what I'm feeling right now.

I've been kind of fixated on this song by Sanctus Real lately. The words just seem to wash over me today ....



Lyrics to Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) :
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

And I do feel like chaos in me, around me, about me right now, and yet I am at peace that my Saviour is working it out - working to completion what He has started in me. I have some things I need to deal with about myself - I need to clean house - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It's not an easy process by any means - but it's time to heal - time to move on - time to heal what's been broken too long.

So Father - show me what you want from me! Help me see what it is you want to change in ME! I found myself in church on Sunday just letting the tears fall and hearing in my head over and over again "Change me. Change me. Change me. Change me." I have to stop focusing on what I want God to change in others and seek out what God wants to change in me.

Another song that has been really speaking to me is by Natalie Grant - I Will Not Be Moved. I posting the video for that as well. There seems to be a theme here that I'm caught on ...



And the chaos in my life has been a badge I've worn
though I have been torn I will not be moved.
I will stumble I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartaches
But I will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on.

I always hear something or see something and think "OH! So-and-so needs to hear this!" And lately God in his still small voice has been saying "No, my child ... I'm speaking to YOU!" I stubbornly resist "No, thanks - that's OK! I got it - really - I'm fine!"

I am so thankful that it's not me who holds on to the Lord's hand - but He who holds so tightly to mine!

So even my chaos is His - my brokeness is His - it's all Him working the change in me that is so desperately needed. And He speaks to my heart yet again "I know the plans I have for you! Plans to prosper you and not to harm you - plans to give you a hope and a future." Oh Lord - I can't see the forest for the trees right now! But I take comfort and peace that even though the storm rages on - you are holding on to me - you see the bigger picture - that "thing" in me that you are working to completion.

Thank you for loving me so much.

Food and Feelings

I see a wonderful therapist and she has been helping me with this after-WLS world I am in. She has me going through a book called "The Food and Feelings Workbook". It is by Karen Koenig. I highly recommend this book for anyone who struggles with their relationship with food - whether it's turning to it for comfort, or trying to control it by denying yourself of it - this book is great. The basic tenant of this book is that "accepting your emotions, however painful they are, is the key not only to ending dysfunctional eating but also to achieving the health, happiness, success, and deep satisfaction about life you want and deserve." Going through this book has been a big wake up call for me about how I use food to avoid certain feelings. It's not just a comfort to me - the food and eating it is comforting - but I seek the comfort so that I don't have to feel things I don't want to feel. Do you find yourself doing this, too? Here are some guidelines that Karen Koenig has in her book:

1. First, acknowledge that, as a person who intentionally and regularly rejects or consumes food to distract from feeling, you most likely have a negative view of uncomfortable emotions.


2. Second, identify exactly what you believe about emotions.


3. Third, make a conscious, ongoing effort to change your beliefs.

Acceptance does not mean letting them run you ragged or having a field day with other people. Nor does it imply that you must like having unsettling and sometimes acutely wounding emotions. it merely requires that you acknowledge the hurt and give unpleasant feelings the right to come and go, just as you do the pleasant ones.

If you want to end disordered eating, you have to break the link between feelings and food.

If you're a dysfunctional eater who turns toward food when you're feeling bad, it tastes good in part because you're desperately looking for ways to ward off the blues, the blahs, the jitters. ... Another reason that food tastes good for people who view it as a panacea is that it's meant to be eaten so that our species will survive and flourish. Food is supposed to be appetizing and appealing, delectable and divine. So when you bite into a juicy apple or a buttery croissant, it's no surprise that your taste buds cheer wildly. They're happy even if you're not. But just because something tastes good doesn't mean you should be eating it, especially if the real business at hand is
attending to emotions.

Science has come a long way in understanding the complexities of appetite and affect. Research tells us that under stress our bodies crave carbohydrates, which have chemical properties to soothe and relax us, just as milk did in infancy. not only does food taste heavenly, it's also a source of what we're physiologically lacking in moments of distress. Take carbohydrates whose chemical compounds break down in our bodies in such a way as to calm and comfort us. Food does this job extremely well - too well!

She talks about the physical manifestation of emotions - takes you through exercises to help you recognize those physical manifestations - things such as:

• dry throat


• fatigue


• shortness of breath


• queasiness


• racing pulse


• flushing


• inability to focus or concentrate


• butterflies in your stomach


• pounding heart


• a lump in your throat


• tightness or hollowness in your chest


• constriction around your eyes

She says "To become a whole, healthy person, you have to stop trying to avoid feeling badly and welcome all your emotions without judgment, no matter what they are."

I have been known as the Queen of Denial. I like to camp out there often. It's really quite comfortable there, and I tend to find an unending supply of cookie dough when I need it. I also like to point out to other people when they are visiting that great land. I know because I am the Queen and I can recognize it easily in others.

Karen Koenig identifies the 7 most difficult feelings for disordered eaters. They are:

1. Guilt - Practically every dysfunctional eater is other-oriented, a caretaker, a do-gooder, has an overly-developed sense of responsibility, and rarely (if ever) believes she is doing enough. Because they are people pleasers and feel naughty or selfish when they do things for themselves, their self care is only fair to poor. The major way they take care of themselves is - you guessed it - through food.


2. Shame - Disordered eating may be a way to maintain the shame they unconsciously think they ought to feel or are used to feeling.


3. Helplessness - Occurs when there is nothing we can do. It underlies many feelings - frustration, impatience, anger, and anxiety. Something terrible is going to happen and I can't do a damned thing about it! Many disordered eaters combat their helplessness by taking action, usually in the form of micromanaging their food intake or consuming every morsel in sight.


4. Anxiety - People who eat to sooth their nerves. These individuals are anxious about what they did yesterday and about what they're going to do tomorrow.


5. Disappointment - Chronic disappointment can lead people to believe that they don't deserve to have positive expectations and outcomes in life. Wanting causes them to feel needy and so they deny their genuine desires. Because it's too scary to have expectations of themselves or of other people, they turn to something that's predictable and always in good supply - food. When an emotional eater suffers the letdown of disappointment, food picks them up, at least for a while.


6. Confusion - It runs rampant in a population of eaters who are out of touch with their physical needs and wants. They're not sure whether they're really hungry or deserve to eat, what they should eat, when they're full, what they ought to look like, and what they should weigh. Most of their confusion is about the concept of enough in numerous areas of their lives. What drives their confusion is the desperate urge to find out what's right so they won't fail or make mistakes. Because it's difficult to tolerate the tension created by vague, mixed or conflicting feelings, they often give up and instead take a stroll down a supermarket aisle or focus on numbers, which are sharp and clear - on a scale or food package.


7. Loneliness - A soul killer - no wonder lonely people seek solace in food! When disordered eaters feel this depth of loneliness, they're desperate to bond with something, anything - to merely feel alive.

You will begin to realize your dreams when you allow your emotions to speak to you, when you listen carefully to what they have to say, and when you make conscious choices based on authentic feelings couples with sound judgment. To do this, however, you must become conversant with the language that emotions speak - and that's often the language of pain.

People who allow themselves to experience their heartache and learn from it lead happy, successful lives, whereas people who run from emotional pain end up unhappy and unfulfilled.

So I think the feelings that stand out for me are Helplessness, Anxiety, Disappointment, and sometimes Loneliness.

There are so many things in this life that I have learned I have absolutely no control over. It makes me feel helpless - I don't like not having control (as I have talked about in earlier blogs). Eating gives me a sense of control - and it also feels very good. Problem is - when I have binged to give myself the feeling of control - I only end up feeling more out of control. Why did I do that?

I totally eat to soothe my nerves. This is still a problem for me. I had a disturbing appointment last week and as I was driving back to work I found myself screaming in the car "I just want a freakin' cheeseburger, damn it!" I passed an Arby's (which I love) and I just wanted to pull in for a roast beef sandwich and some curly fries! Make it go away!

Ah yes, Disappointment. Somehow in my twisted mind I have convinced myself that my favorite foods never disappoint me. They are always there for me when I need them - always providing the comfort I seek. When someone doesn't treat me the way I feel I deserve to be treated - food does - it makes me feel so good. But how twisted is that? It disappoints me every time - every pound I put on because of it.

I have had those moments of strolling down the supermarket aisles - searching for my comfort. I have found myself going faster and faster - not even knowing what I'm looking for - just knowing that I will know it when I find it. It could be some cookie dough - maybe brownie mix or frosting - or how about that Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream - or it could be something salty like Doritos or a sausage egg and cheese biscuit. I have even found myself standing in front of my pantry or refrigerator in the middle of the night after a stressful confrontation or a fight with my husband. I'm tired of the conflict and I am tired of feeling this way - give me some food to make it go away.

And having de-carbed since surgery - I can so see how carbs do affect my feelings. The few times that I have had some small carb with what I am eating since surgery have nearly sent me on an eating binge again. I can't even describe it! It just feels so good! I know that this surgery is the only way for me to divorce food. I can't binge anymore - I get sick - very ill - it downright hurts. In fact, there are days that eating is a downright chore.

Karen Koenig gives some great techniques for slowing down - recognizing the physical manifestations of our emotions and feelings - deep breathing that helps you become more in tune with what your body is trying to tell you.

So how is your relationship with food? Are you obsessed with it? Or are you using it the way it should be used? Have you learned to live with your feelings? Do you turn to food or to something else to not have to deal with those feelings? Do you have feelings which you have deemed "bad"? Why do we think emotions in and of themselves are bad? They were given to us by our creator for a reason. We should not ignore them or push them aside - we need to get to the root of the emotions and discern what they are telling us so that we can move on.

Keep Moving Forward

I have long attested that the greatest Disney movie of all time is Meet the Robinsons. I watched it with the kids again tonight and I am again reminded of what a great movie this is!

I love the messages in this movie. "Let go of the past and keep moving forward." Wouldn't we all be wise to shake off our mis-steps and keep moving forward? So many times we let something in our past control our present - possibly even our future? Grudges, regrets, something we feel that has shaped who and what we are now - feeling as though we are completely held captive to that thing.

My favorite scene in the movie is when Lewis tries to fix a machine that will make peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches automatically, but something goes horribly wrong and there is peanut butter and jelly EVERYWHERE. Wilbur and the rest of the Robinson family applaud and hail Lewis. "You failed!" They celebrate his failure. He is completely stunned and confused. One of the family members says "From failure you learn; from success, not so much."

This film also stresses the importance of owning up to our mistakes. Admitting when you have made a mistake - owning up to it and the subsequent consequences.

I want so much for my children to see this - that it's OK to fail - you don't always do everything right - and when we screw up we learn huge lessons. I want them to learn that they have to own their mistakes in order to learn from them. I want them to learn to let go of the past (and all the hurts that may be associated with it) and to keep moving forward. Living in the past only brings guilt. Fearing the future only brings anxiety.

I have had my share of failures. I feel like I am finally owning the mistakes that got me to this point. I hope that making this change in my life while my children are young will show them that I do see how much I have to live for - how much I want to make ammends for this "epic fail" in my life - letting myself get this heavy. In doing so - I have to make peace with my past - let it go - and keep moving forward.

I also love the song that Rob Thomas sings as the theme for this movie. It's called Little Wonders.

Here are the lyrics:

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over

let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders t
hese twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain






Thanks for indulging me while I pontificate a bit. :)

We Need Each Other

So I know that some of you out there think I am totally crazy - living my life here on my blog - letting everyone know I had WLS and giving all the gory details. I got this devotional in my email this morning. It is from Rick Warren and is part of The Purpose Driven Life devotional series. It really put into words a lot of what I have been feeling lately about not only needing support, but giving support to others, and how crucial it is to not only my physical success in this weight loss journey, but also to the spiritual aspect of this journey. This is so much more than a diet or than just losing weight. I am dealing with some major issues emotionally and spiritually on this road. Here is the quote:

Some of us hesitate to commit ourselves to developing an intentional plan of growth that requires accountability or relationship with others because we believe spiritual growth is a personal and private matter. We choose to believe each person develops in his or her own way at his or her own rate.

This is an aberration from the truth.The idolatry of individualism has influenced even the way we think about spiritual growth.So much of the teaching on spiritual formation is self-centered and self-focused without any reference to our relationship to other Christians.

This is completely unbiblical and ignores much of the New Testament. The truth is that Christians need relationships to grow. We don’t grow in isolation from others. We develop in the context of fellowship.

Over and over again in the New Testament we find this basic truth: Believers need relationships with each other to grow! Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another ” (NIV).

God intends for us to grow up in a family.

So thank you to all of my sisters and brothers helping me along this journey. Your support and encouragement and accountability mean more to me than you will ever know.