Body Image Ruminations

This post may be a bit rambling – I am having trouble organizing my thoughts around what I am really trying to say – but here goes.

This body image stuff sucks. Plain and simple.

My body image is in the crapper. On paper I can make it all work out – I’m doing great – when I look in the mirror – YUCK. I know – that’s common for a lot of people – especially women. I get it. But I’m just increasingly bothered by how prevalent this problem is. I am even seeing it trickle down to my 7 year old daughter and it breaks my heart. I have twin girls who are 7. They are not identical. One is tall and rail thin. The other is not as tall and of average weight. She is 7 years old in size 7 clothes. She is in like the 60th percentile for her weight. Her twin sister is in like 20th percentile for weight. They eat almost all the same things most days – they just have totally different bodies. What breaks my heart is that she already sees herself as “the chubby twin”. I know there is a different dynamic here because they are twins and everyone expects twins to be “the same”, but seriously? Body Image problems at 7? What is this world coming to? She has this really cute tankini bathing suit and she said to me the other day “Mom – where is my one piece bathing suit? I don’t want my belly to show like it does when I wear this suit.”

So how do I combat this when I have my own body image demons to deal with? How do I counteract all that the world would have her believe about herself? How do I ensure she is filled with self esteem so that she can defeat these awful body image beliefs? Before I know it she will be a teenager and I won’t have as much say in what she eats, etc… How do I make sure that I prepare her fully for adolescence and all the craziness that goes with it?

I have to live it. It is said that behavior is “caught” more times than it is “taught” with our children. I owe it to my daughters to defeat my own demons and fix my own body image. I know – easier said than done. But I got to thinking about this a lot after my last post. I had so many encouraging responses to it. I do need to get past the numbers – the pounds lost – even the measurements – and get to how I FEEL about my body. I need to be more comfortable in my own skin. I need to BE beautiful and self confident – even more for my daughters than for myself. When I say BE beautiful and self confident - it's not about the skin I'm in or the size clothes I wear or even a number on a scale and how it changes - it's about ME and being happy with ME - who I am and how I live.

All of this fantastic weight loss will taper off and end some day and I will have a "new normal" to get used to. It is already somewhat difficult for me to adjust to this new way of life. It's so much more than what I'm eating and how much I'm exercising. It is a totally different lifestyle for me in every way - down to how I think and act and hold myself.

If you had asked me a year ago if I was happy with myself I would have said "SURE! I like me!", but I so did not like me. And for some reason that has been one of the most difficult things for me to face up to. That I really wasn't happy like that as much as I told myself I was happy - that I was OK - that it was perfectly fine for me to live that way because I wasn't hurting anyone else. Having to acknowledge that I was hurting myself, my family, my friends, because I couldn't actually be healthy for them. I wasn't being the best mom for my kids - I wasn't being a good example - I wasn't able to play with them or keep up with them as much. I have wondered if it may be why I have so much trouble getting rid of my "fat clothes" - because I don't want to admit that was a problem.

So I said this would be a rambling post and it is. From being concerned about my daughters body image to my own body image issues to getting used to the new normal to confronting my past. All of this will hopefully lead to a new life for me where I don't have to spend so much time and energy focusing on these issues and I can just live life to the fullest - this time in my life as "morbidly obese" just a memory from my past instead of a cloak that I try so desperately to shed.