Biggest Loser

I am a big fan of The Biggest Loser. I haven't always been a fan. When it first came on I saw a few episodes, but I just couldn't get into it. And I know why - there was just something wrong about sitting in front of the TV eating Doritos and watching others work their butts off and losing tons of weight. I just didn't want to be reminded of what I wasn't doing for myself.

But once my head was in the right place and I myself was losing weight I became a huge fan of the show. That was just this past season. And I quickly became a HUGE fan of Daniel. For several reasons. The first being that I felt he had the desire - had come to that mental place of making the big changes in his life that were so desperately needed - and I felt bad that his partner (David) had not come to that same place and was proving to be a hinderance in his journey. The second reason I was a huge fan is because I kina felt like I knew him! Daniel went to my kids school (my kids attend a small Christian school) - we had seen him on campus - everyone knew who Daniel was. So he was the hometown kid and even though he didn't know me - I felt like I knew him (though I realize I really didn't). My kids also recognized him and we quickly began to cheer him on.

We were super excited to find out that he had been given a second chance on this latest season of the show. His humble attitude and gracious spirit led him to choose Shay as his partner - he identified with being the heaviest contestant on the show. (On a side note - how does losing 17 pounds in one week earn you the privelege of getting voted off?!?!?! Seriously? So wrong!)

So we were so disappointed when he got voted off the show last night - just 2 pounds shy of losing 200 pounds! He has accomplished so much and even though we really don't know him - feel a sense of pride in his awesome accomplishments.

At the end of the episode they did the "reveal" of the ousted players. They showed Daniel going home and re-uniting with his family. They also showed him re-uniting with his friend, David, from the previous season. David is obviously still struggling with his weight. When Daniel asked him where his head was with his weight his response was ""I've got other things going on that are more important to me right now," he told Daniel. "I'm overweight, yeah I'm a big guy... I don't feel unhealthy. So when that changes, then I'll start losing it."

I just started to cry when he said that. That is exactly where I was at one time. I had other priorities. I had small children that took up all my time. I had a career that I was trying to move up in. I didn't "feel" unhealthy. I also recently saw an interview that Ellen did with Mo'nique where she addressed her recent weight loss. She said she started out at 262 pounds and that at that weight when she looked at herself naked in the mirror she didn't see anything wrong with herself - she saw a sex kitten - full of life and vitality.

I did all the same things ... for years. I wouldn't do Weight Watchers. I wouldn't entertain surgery. I knew that I was not mentally ready. And to cover I convinced myself that I was OK with who I was and how fat I was. I was a good person. I was a nice person. I was outgoing and I had lots of friends. I chose to ignore a lot of things. I chose to ignore my high blood pressure that had me taking 3 different pills. I chose to ignore the SEVERE sleep apnea I had that impaired my sleep as well as my body's ability to regenerate, etc.... I chose to ignore my high levels of triglycerides, my high cholesterol, my insulin resistance, my not-so-gradual path to type 2 diabetes, my inability to breathe going up stairs, the fact that all of my doctors were concerned about my health, the fact that my children couldn't sit on my lap - or rather my lack of lap.

I knew that I needed to loose the weight - but I also knew that I wasn't ready. I knew that any effort to do it would be totally unfruitful until my mind caught up with what my body was screaming at me. So seeing David say that totally brought me back - seeing him in such denial about his need to change broke my heart. But to be honest - until he's ready - he won't be able to do it. And it's obvious he's not ready. This battle is as much a mental battle as it is a physical battle. Dealing with my issues and going through this divorce from food was one of the most difficult mental battles I have ever been through.

So I am praying for the renewing of David's mind and healing of his heart. I know that his friend Daniel will be there to help him along the way when he is ready.

And thank you for being such an inspiration, Daniel. Not only to me and to my family, but to all of those who's hearts you have touched through your appearance on The Biggest Loser.

Overweight

I know! I know! I know! I have been neglecting Pamelot again! I have many worthy excuses, I promise. Though, I'm sure you're not really interested in any of them. It's been a crazy few weeks getting things ready and set up for this year's Upward Cheerleading season. The work as Cheer Commissioner is keeping me a bit busy. I am also in a very busy phase of my project at work.

I am now 10 months out from surgery - hard to believe. I am in the phase where I am able to eat more and more foods - my body is adjusting nicely to my new insides - and I am feeling like I have adjusted to "my new normal". It's no longer this new novel thing to have had gastric bypass. I feel like I have finally adjusted and settled in to life with a smaller stomach and less intestines (romantic isn't it?). I don't have to think so hard about what I'm going to eat, or plan ahead so much. This is just my life and I have settled into it. And I like it.

The weight loss has slowed dramatically - as I knew it would. I would like to lose 20-30 more pounds. I feel that when I up my exercise (I have been slowly getting back to exercise since my ear surgery) I will be able to get a better handle on that and make some progress there. The scale still does move, which is encouraging.

I was having an interesting conversation with some co-workers about BMI yesterday. We were talking about what a "normal" BMI is - how most people are not "normal", and how even though I have lost over 100 pounds I would still be considered in the "obese" range. We were playing around with a BMI calculator and seeing what different weight and heights gave us. So I plugged in my latest weight and discovered .... I am finally overweight! I am no longer obese!

18.5 or less	Underweight
18.5 to 24.99	Normal Weight
25 to 29.99	Overweight
30 to 34.99	Obesity (Class 1)
35 to 39.99	Obesity (Class 2)
40 or greater	Morbid Obesity

Some calculators also put a category of BMI's above 45 as "Super Morbidly Obese". At my heaviest just before surgery my BMI was 47.6, and so I fell into that awful category. As if "obese" isn't bad enough - you add morbidly to it - then super morbidly. UGH! I always hated that! But it was telling me what I didn't want to hear.

Dictionary.com defines the word morbid as:

1.	suggesting an unhealthy mental state or attitude; unwholesomely gloomy, sensitive, extreme, etc.: a morbid interest in death.

2.	affected by, caused by, causing, or characteristic of disease.

3.	pertaining to diseased parts: morbid anatomy.

4.	gruesome; grisly.

Unhealthy mental state or attitude - check. I had a bad attitude (some would argue I still do!)
Characteristic of disease - check. High Blood Pressure, Sleep Apnea, sneaking up on Type II Diabetes, hard to breathe, hard to exercise, hard to do just about anything.
Pertaining to diseased parts - check. Not much to explain there - felt like my whole body was diseased.
Gruesome; grisly - check. That is definitely how I felt about myself.

But I spent many years denying and simply avoiding this about myself. If I can actually loose these last pounds I will find myself in a "normal" BMI range. That actually blows my mind a bit.

I'm still here!

I'm still here! I haven't blogged since surgery - it took a lot more out of me than I had anticipated. I really had a hard time with the vertigo and pain afterwards. But I am finally back to work now and seem to have a handle on my vertigo.

Now I am working on getting back to my exercise routine. I am going to try to take it slow and start out with some walking and work on the elliptical before starting to run again. But the weather is perfect for a good long run and I'm anxious to get back on the road.

And I had hit another stall in my weight loss with my surgery - hardly eating anything and hardly moving - my body was in like hybernation mode. But now I seem to be moving in the downward direction again. I have about 30 more pounds I would like to loose. I am also seeing that my size 12 clothes are starting to get a little loose. Hard to wrap my mind around. I'm hoping that once I get back to my exercise routine it will really start to melt off.

I recently agreed to take on the position of "Cheer Commissioner" for the Upward Cheerleading season that coincides with their Basketball season. I have been a coach in this league for the past couple of years and have always really enjoyed it. So this year when I was asked if I wanted to be the "Cheer-missioner" I jumped at the chance. That season is about to get under way. I have always coached the Kindergarten - second grade squad. It can be a total challenge dealing with that age group, but I love the girls that I get to coach and get to know.

So I'm just checking in for now. I promise to be better on my blogging. :)

Surgery Report

I had surgery this morning. And it went much better than expected. Surgery was scheduled to begin at 9:30. I was about a half hour late going back to the OR. Surgery was about an hour. The doctor discovered that there was actually no cholesteatoma tumor - just a ton of infection and residue from the infection in the form of fungus. Yeah - fungus - EW! The doctor cleared out the infection in the middle ear and in the mastoid bone. He also reconstructed my ear drum from a some facia from my ear.

I am relieved to have not had a cholesteatoma as they tend to grow back and I would have probably had more surgeries to come to remove more of them. I am also glad that he didn't have to do a "canal wall down" procedure where they make an incision behind the ear and basically remove the ear and go in behind the ear canal. He was able to go in through the ear with a powerful microscope.

I am having quite a bit of dizziness and vertigo since the surgery. Doc had anticipated that and sent me home with some good drugs and a patch that I can wear for 3 days. Hoping that as I recover and the swelling, etc... from the surgery goes down that will get better. Unfortunately, that will just take some time.

I am also having quite a bit of pain. Trying to do all that work through my ear canal means there was a lot of pushing and pulling. My ear is very sore. Also - rebuilding the ear drum from part of the facia in my ear - not fun. Again - doc sent me home with some good drugs for that as well.

I was also sent home with this lovely contraption:

Yes, I agree, it looks like I have a jock strap on my head. :) It's meant to give my ear some protection from bumps, etc... With 3 kids and 2 dogs, let me tell 'ya, it is helpful. I get to take it off Tuesday morning. Then we will start with some ear drops and applying ice off an on throughout the day to help with pain management and swelling.

All in all the surgery went better than expected. Here's hoping that the recovery does, too.

Myths about Weight Loss Surgery

I frequent a site called Obesity Help. They often have some great articles on there. I really liked the one they recently posted on myths surrounding weight loss surgery. So I am posting it here.


1. Weight loss surgery requires an inpatient hospital stay.
Not true! In fact, most weight loss surgeries can now be performed as an outpatient. The laparoscopic adjustable gastric band is the most popular outpatient weight loss procedure. The laparoscopic sleeve gastrectomy can often be performed as an outpatient. Laparoscopic Roux-en-Y gastric bypass can also be performed with an overnight stay or a short one to two-night hospital stay.

I was released from the hospital the day after my surgery.

2. Weight loss surgery has high risks.
While weight loss surgery used to be considered a high-risk operation in the 1970s and 80s, this was due to many factors including the large open incision required, the severe medical problems of the patient candidate, and the relative inexperience of the surgeons and staff. All of these factors have changed markedly. Today, weight loss surgery is performed very safely with low risks in the hands of experienced surgeons and centers. And while any treatment or surgery or intervention has risks, for most people considering weight loss surgery, the risks of not undergoing surgery usually far exceed the risks of undergoing the procedure.

3. Surgery is the “easy way out.”
Successfully losing weight and keeping it off with weight loss surgery requires lots of hard work. It requires undergoing a rigorous evaluation and then attending educational classes and support groups and working on lifelong healthy habits and behaviors. It requires a great commitment and desire to achieve a valuable lifelong goal of reaching and maintaining a healthy weight.

Don't get me started on this one. Major pet peeve of mine.

4. You have to weigh over 300 pounds to qualify for weight loss surgery.
Many studies and many societies including the American Heart Association, the National Institutes of Health and the Medicare Reimbursement Process consider people candidates based on health conditions plus a calculation of the height and weight called the Body Mass Index or BMI (go to www.sasseguide.com to calculate your BMI). Numerous studies in recent years have shown marked health advantages to even moderately obese individuals who undergo weight loss surgery. Many people qualify who are as little as 50 pounds overweight.

My insurance requirements were a BMI of 40 or above OR BMI of 35
with 2 co-morbidities. I started out at a BMI of almost 48 and I
had 2 serious co-morbidities - high blood pressure and severe sleep
apnea.

5. People who undergo weight loss surgery need to have advanced, serious health conditions such as advanced diabetes and heart disease to qualify.
Each individual is assessed based on his or her specific health conditions and the Body Mass Index calculation. It is widely agreed that anyone with a Body Mass Index over 40 qualifies for weight loss surgery, even in the absence of health problems. It is also widely agreed that people with a Body Mass Index over 35 qualify for weight loss surgery when one or more obesity-related health conditions is present (including high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol and obstructive sleep apnea).

6. You have to be in perfect health to qualify for weight loss surgery.
In fact, many people undergoing weight loss surgery do have health problems related to obesity. Some of these individuals have mild forms of the conditions and other people have more severe forms of the conditions. Each person should be assessed by an experienced bariatric surgeon to determine candidacy.

If you were in perfect health - why would you need surgery? Let's
own up to it - if you're heavy enough to qualify for surgery you are not in
perfect health.

7. There is a long recovery time after weight loss surgery.
Most people recover from weight loss surgery within one to two weeks. Some people go back to work and activities within a few days, especially after adjustable gastric banding surgery.

I timed my surgery between Christmas and New Year's. I took 4
days off of work - I was back to work a week after surgery. It was one of
the easiest surgeries to recover from - and I've had my share of
surgery.

8. After weight loss surgery, you won’t be able to eat anything that’s good.
Most people can eat a wide variety of all kinds of foods after weight loss surgery. Some people who have had Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery experience an unpleasant sensation when eating concentrated sweets such as desserts. However, most people can eat just about anything after weight loss surgery in small quantities.

Let's face it - I have redefined what "good" means to me. It does
take a while to get back to being able to eat "normally", but with the exception
of foods high in sugar - you should be able to eat other foods in
moderation.

9. You have to be a certain age to have weight loss surgery.
While it’s true that most centers describe age criteria, the range is usually very wide such as from 18 to 65. In addition, there are many studies citing the benefits of weight-loss surgery in patients over 65 and under 18.

10. You can’t have surgery if you have diabetes.
In fact, weight loss surgery is fast becoming a primary treatment for diabetes, particularly type II diabetes because of the high rate of cure of the disease after weight-loss surgery.

11. You’ll have a large incision and a big scar from weight-loss surgery.
Many centers perform over 95% of the weight loss surgical cases with minimally-invasive surgery or laparoscopy. This normally requires five or six small incisions on the abdomen.

I can't even see the small incisions from my surgery any more. I
have much larger scars from other surgeries.

12. Weight loss surgery is irreversible.
While most weight-loss surgeons and centers believe that it is best to think of the surgery as permanent, the truth is that surgery can be reversible. Laparoscopic adjustable gastric banding, in particular, is reversible fairly easily. Laparoscopic Roux-en-Y gastric bypass is reversible but requires a more significant operation in order to undo the bypass procedure.

It is helpful to think of it as irreversible, though.

13. Weight loss surgery has no real benefits except for looking better.
The truth is that weight loss surgery is primarily an intervention for improved health. While there are side benefits of improved self-esteem and cosmetic appearance, many of the health complications caused by being overweight can be dramatically improved or, in some cases, completely resolved by surgical weight loss procedures.

Two immediate benefits that I had from surgery was resolution of my
blood pressure and my sleep apnea. I was quickly headed to being a
diabetic and that resolved as well. And while I won't lie in that I feel I
do look better - there are parts of me that are SCARY from the extra
skin.

Kent Sasse, MD, MPH, FACS, is founder and medical director of both the
iMetabolic International Metabolic Institute and Western Bariatric Institute. He
is the author of Outpatient Weight-Loss Surgery: Safe and Successful Weight Loss
with Modern Bariatric Surgery. www.sasseguide.com.

Helping

My friend, Leah, has a fantastic way with words. She is a wonderful author. She recently put a great post on her blog about Helping and I had to put a link to it on here for others to see.

http://rondostreet.blogspot.com/2009/09/helping-101.html

She has hit the nail right on the head.

Extra! Extra!

Lots and lots of extra droopy skin.

Yeah - I know - I sound really ungrateful for losing 105 pounds. But seriously - the extra and droopy skin is actually becoming problematic. I won't go into the TMI of it all - just know - it can be disheartening.

That's all I got today.

10th Level of Hell

OK - so I thought I was miserable when I posted this just 2 days ago. After the past 24 hours - I have discovered I had no idea what miserable was.

It started with one of my twin girls saying that her stomach hurt. A little while later she started throwing up. About 3 hours later her twin joined her. About 3 hours after that my son joined in. About 3 hours after that my husband and I also joined the bathroom brigade. At one point I actually had Megan throwing up on Caleb as he was throwing up in a bucket while Marissa was in the shower (I was cleaning her up from throwing up on herself) and she began having an 'accident' in the shower. Oh yes this lovely bug moved from shoving things out one end to shoving them out the other - all uncontrollably and projectile in fashion. So I threw all 3 kids in the shower at once and I ran to the other bathroom because I was having my own "issues". While in there taking care of myself my husband was banging on the door "LET ME IN!" That is how my day went yesterday. All of this on top of already thinking I was miserable. Throwing up really enhances vertigo by about ten times.

And having had gastric bypass urgery - stomach bugs are a whole different experience. I throw up a lot these days if I irritate or annoy Kanga. If you fill her too full - she just sends it right back at ya. Bing bang boom - you're done. Pretty fast and painless. Writhing and systematic wretching - not good - not good at all. Food passes out of Kanga pretty quickly - so there isn't any contents just sitting around waiting for a party. You need to be concerned about keeping that to a minimum as it can induce an internal hernia up by the diaphram.

So today we all seem to have broken our fevers - still quite weak and shaky. We are just trying to slowly re-enter the land of the living.

Listening and Seeing

I've been noodling this post for quite some time - even before I was diagnosed with the cholesteatoma and new that I was having those problems. But I'm always amazed at how the Lord can tie all the things in my life together in ways I would never imagine to point out my dependence on Him.

I found this great little book at Lifeway books last month. I was in there looking for a gift for a friend and I ran across this book. I was in the midst of studying for my PMP so I promised it to myeslf as a little treat once I got through that exam. It was actually two books in one by the author Terri Blackstock. I've read a lot of her books and I love them all. The book is called "Miracles" and it is actually the complilation of two small books - "The Listener" and "The Gifted".

"The Listener" is about a man who wakes up one night after an odd dream that depicted the parable of the coin with an exceptional ability to hear people's deepest spiritual needs. He could look at someone and hear what their soul was crying out for. It may not even be something that they consciously knew they needed - but when it was spoken back to them it was like a healing balm. At first he saw this new ability as a curse - he didn't want this responsibility. But his good friend and pastor showed him how to use the information to minister to people. In doing so, he helped to spread a little fire among his wife and his close friends to reach out to those who were hurting (and who of us isn't) and to give them a hope that they may not have known even existed. He was the only one with the supernatural ability, but everyone seemed to catch on with his enthusiasm to help and soon they were all taking that extra step to speak to someone in an effort to show them that someone cared and wanted to help. Not just others here on earth, but also a Heavenly Father who loves them deeply and will never leave them. He kept the supernatural ability for 2 weeks and then just as suddenly as it came - it left. He was devastated and struggled with how could he continue to do God's work if God took the ability away from him. But his friends who never had the ability (and most who didn't even know he had a special ability in the first place) showed him that they had all just stepped out of their comfort zone in an effort to answer a call that was too important to ignore. People's souls and deepest needs were at stake and they owed it to their Lord to get out of their own comfort zone in order to reach those who needed it most.

"The Gifted" starts out with a small group having a bible study in their office after work one evening. During their Bible Study there was a horrific earthquake and they found themselves trapped in the rubble of their building. One man's legs were crushed and he was unable to move them. Another man's lungs were seared with smoke from a fire. And one woman's eyes were blinded from flying shrapnel during the cave in. They were rescued from their building and found themselves in the hospital with all the other people who were injured by the devestating earthquake. None of their injuries were so urgent that they warranted immediate surgery as the doctors were having to triage the immense amount of injuries coming in from the earthquake. When each of them woke up in the morning they found themselves completely healed. But not only healed - supernaturally healed. The one with his legs crushed found himself running to people he didn't know - for reasons he didn't know. The one with his lungs seared was normally a very quiet and shy person woke up with this need to tell anyone and everyone about what the scriptures had to say about their worth to the Lord. The woman who's sight had been taken found that when she looked at certain people in the eye she would get a vision into their past that told her what they were struggling with.

When the three of them re-unite shortly after being released from the hospital they find that when they combine their gifts they are able to reach so many people. The one with the legs that won't stop and he doesn't know why can lead them to people. The woman with the visions can tell them what she sees, and the man who can't stop talking then knows what to talk to them about and how to frame his discussion - what Scriptures to use, etc... They are a dream evangelism team.

But much like "The Listener", they suddenly loose the gifts that they were given and wonder what will happen to their ministry without their gifts.

So these stories really spoke to me. Wow! To be able to SEE or to HEAR what people's greatest spiritual needs are - to be able to say the right thing at the right time. To be able to show the love of God for His people in such a meaningful way! But the question that is really begged in this book is - why don't we do it anyway? Do we really need a supernatural gift to reach out to the people that need him most? Do we need to know someone's deepest spiritual need in order to meet it? Because the bottom line is that each person's deepsest spiritual need can only be met by God anyway. His love covers all - no matter what the issue - His love for you is enough. It is His people here on earth who are tasked with conveying that message. And let's face it - we suck at it! I know I do.

And so it got me to thinking that I need to Listen better. I need to stop being so judgemental about various people I know or even meet in my day to day interactions. I don't know what they're going through that may make them act that way. But the fact is ... I do know what God can do for them - what Jesus HAS done for them. And I believe that I am His hands and feet - here to speak of that love in a way that only I can. So I need to just get over myself - because it's not about me - and be a better vessel for The Saviour. It often sounds trite, but I don't want people to see Pam when they look at me - I want them to see Jesus.

So how does this tie in to what I'm going through myself? Be a better Listener - as I am being forced to recognize the risk that I have of losing my hearing in my left ear all together. Really, God? Ironic much? So I see it - not so much about my physical act of hearing as it is my spiritual act of worship in everything I do - leaving myself so open to the Lord that "hearing" someone's spiritual needs becomes second nature because I'm listening with His ears - not my own. OK - that makes me all verklempt.

And people looking at me and not seeing Pam - but my Lord. More and more people don't recognize me when they see me. It literally happened to me 4 times today. It's OK if they don't see the old Pam - but they really need to see Jesus - and what am I doing to ensure that they do?

And what about the times that we as Christians DO hear and see a person's deepest physical and spiritual needs and DO NOTHING? I know that I myself have been guilty of this. It breaks my heart that I would waste an opportunity to show love in the way that I have experienced it myself. And I have to admit that this point has been sticking in my craw an awful lot lately because I have experienced this in my own family - specifically in the past year at times that were excruciatingly crucial times for not only physical but spiritual needs to be met. I know that people in my own church were aware of specific physical and spiritual needs of people in their own church and no one called, no one stopped by, no one made an effort of any kind to reach out to one in their own flock who so desperately needed it. Why do we expect anyone outside of the church to have any kind of respect for us and what we have to say when we can't even effectively minister to our own. Why would they let us minister to them? We can't even minister to those within our own congregations that we may not understand or be comfortable with their spiritual need. Wake up! We don't have to have to have all of the answers - we have the only one they need - one and only one. Wake up! Just because you're "born again" doesn't mean you won't have spiritual struggles! If anything - those struggles suddenly become more pronounced. I know it can be uncomfortable. I know it isn't easy, but the cost of doing nothing is too high. It has to stop.

OK - so that is my soapbox for the day. It feels cathartic to get it out. Thanks for sticking with me on that one. I hope I didn't sound too preachy. If I did - maybe it was needed?

Miserable

Yeah - that's all I got. I'm miserable. Surgery is scheduled for September 28. So I have a little more than a week left. The vertigo has become more frequent and random and the pain will not go away. I am quite simply - miserable. And I hate feeling like I have to depend on others. Having my parents living here is a tremendous blessing for me right now, don't get me wrong. I love that my mom is here and I lean on her ... a lot. :) But it also grates me to have to ask for help - to ask for rides here there and everywhere because I really shouldn't be driving anywhere. It's gotten to the point that even riding in the car makes me ill. Which brings me to a big decision I am struggling with right now - whether or not to start short term disability now and not wait to just take time off once the surgery has taken place for recovery. But it's really getting to the point that work is just plain difficult to get through right now.

So there's my whine for the day. A little cheese and crackers might top it off quite nicely. :)