For Rebecca

So as many of you know - I am totally addicted to Facebook.  It's sad, really.  But recently, my friend Rebecca made the following status update:  " 'When God closes a door, he opens a window' may give us a warm fuzzy, but that's not scripture. Sometimes, when a door has been closed that you KNOW that you KNOW that you KNOW you are to walk through, maybe it's time to kick that door down, get help with a battering ram, or whatever it takes to get in the door. Why do we think everything should be so simple as to just turn the handle and walk in?"  and it really got me to thinking.

Have you ever had a time in your life where all the circumstances surrounding you were telling you "NO", but a still small voice was telling you - begging you - to take a step, or possibly a leap of Faith?  I have had several.  And as I look back on those times I can see God forming me into His daughter - teaching me to obey - teaching me to put my Faith and Trust in Him no matter what. (And can I just say I hate that lesson - hate it!  And yet I work feverishly to teach the same one to my own children.)

A specific instance for this lesson surrounds my BAHA.  I have talked about my BAHA before on this blog.  It is the "screw" in my head that allows me to attach my Bone Anchored Hearing Aid and hear like never before.  Since I have already talked about how I got to the point of making the decision to have the BAHA surgery - I won't go into that, but what I haven't talked about is what happened once I decided to have the surgery. 

I went forward with scheduling the surgery with my surgeon for a time when the company that I worked for at the time would be closed over the holidays so that I would miss minimal work. 2 weeks before my scheduled surgery I was notified by my insurance that they would not be covering the surgery. 

Um - what?  Well, how do I change that? 
Ask them to reconsider. 
OK - please reconsider. 
Nope - we won't cover that. 
Um, who reconsidered? 
The same guy who considered it the first time. 
Really?  Then why did I bother asking you to reconsider?  Now what? 
You can appeal the decision and someone will call your doctor and discuss it with him personally. 
OK - I appeal it - please call my doctor. 

My doctor called me back 2 days later and said "This is not going to work in your favor.  The guy who called me was the guy who has already denied you and he had no interest in what I had to say at all."  Come on!  Why am I appealing this if the same guy is reviewing it over and over again?  I tried to talk to this man myself - he was downright rude to me. 

Ok, sir - please explain to me why this is being denied?  I need the exact reason. 
Because this is a hearing aid and your plan excludes it. 
Really?  OK - let me look into that. 

So I did my research and low and behold - an exclusion in my insurance.  I was devastated.  I had finally found something that would help me hear again and now I was being told I couldn't have it.  I was ready to give in - my husband was ready to give in - all signs pointed to NO.  But something gnawed at my insides.  So I began to research this exclusion.  In my research I found this law - a Massachusetts law - that said that insurance companies had to cover implantable hearing devices that were deemed medically necessary.  The law was obviously written for cochlear implants.  The BAHA is not a cochlear implant - but it is an implantable hearing device because the "screw" part of the device is implanted in the skull.  Cool!  One problem - I am in North Carolina and this was a Massachusetts law.  No such law existed in North Carolina.

I thought I was at a dead end again - another closed door.  Except that ... the company I worked for was headquartered in Massachusetts.  :)  They administered their health insurance plans for the entire company out of their headquarters.  So even though the insurance company was headquartered in Pennsylvania - the Massachusetts law still applied!  One small problem - the moron who was determined that this was in fact a hearing aid and would still not be covered.

So I went back to my doctor and talked to him about the issue - told him about the research I had done.  He agreed to write a letter to insurance for me, and helped me to get in touch with the company that actually manufactures the BAHA.  They also wrote a letter explaining that the BAHA was not a hearing aid, but indeed an implantable hearing device.  Meanwhile I contacted the insurance company and asked them what my options were.  How do I get this reviewed by someone else.  I only had one more option open to me - a formal outside review.  I could request this.  I only got one chance, but I could request this outside review and submit a formal  appeal.  My appeal and information would be reviewed by an outside consultant and they would determine if I could get this covered.

Just one problem.  We were now 4 days before surgery and this would take at least 2 more weeks - possibly even longer because we were approaching the Christmas holidays.  I really needed to have the surgery over Christmas to minimize my time out of work.  I was a contractor and I didn't have a lot of sick or vacation time.  I had also been reprimanded for taking a lot of sick time up to that point (due to the problems with my ear as well as an interminable sinus infection that I was also going to have taken care of during that surgery). If I waited I felt I could literally loose my job.  If I went ahead with the surgery I could end up stuck with the bill - which had been estimated at $25,000.  Neither prospect was very appealing as you can understand.

So what do I do?  Do I go ahead with the surgery and risk ending up with an incredible debt of $25,000, or do I postpone the surgery to ensure I get it covered and risk losing my job in order to take the time to recover.  Here's where the rubber meets the road.  How important is this to me?  Is this really something God wants for me?  Do I pay attention to all the circumstances around me?  They all seem to be screaming NO - or at least NOT YET.  But every day there was another example of how not being able to hear well - especially not being able to hear my own children was becoming more and more and more of a problem.  Not just an annoyance - a problem.

And so I prayed.  God - what would you have me do?  And like He was sitting right next to me I heard "Hear me.  Be Still and know that I am God.  Listen to me.  I want what is best for you.  I have a good and perfect plan for you, Pam."  One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to hurt you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future." And a lot of people know this verse.  But as I looked the verse up in my Bible - I was struck by the next three verses: "Then you will call up on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity."

And yet I still sat there going "Really God?  Seriously - what do you want me to do?" And at that moment a song came on the radio.  These were the lyrics of that song "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns:

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Was it just coincidence?  All of the instances where I was being told to "listen" or to "hear"?  HHHHHMMMMM.
 
So after much prayer, much discussion, much consideration, Daren and I decided to listen and believe the voice of truth.  God wanted me to hear again - we knew this for sure.  And despite all the signs to the contrary - we knew He could do great things.
 
So we submitted the appeal and went ahead with surgery.  That morning as I signed the papers at the hospital saying that I would take complete responsibility for the bill should my appeal not go through I was literally shaking as I signed my name.
 
As I was wheeled into the OR and the nurses and technicians went to work getting me ready for surgery we had some friendly banter going on.  I was so excited about the possibilities this surgery meant for me, and yet it was severely tempered by the fact that I may have to pay for it for years to come.  As my surgeon came in the room one of the nurses asked him if he wanted some music.  He said - yes - please put this in and handed her a CD. The song that started playing -was Voice of Truth.  I couldn't help but cry.  And as I drifted into the sweet oblivion of anesthesia I heard these words "I will soar on the wings of eagles as I listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me".
 
Surgery went well and recovery went well.  About a week after surgery - just 2 days before I was to return to work after the holiday break I got a phone call from my insurance company.  The appeal had been reviewed by the outside consultant who had decided that the surgery indeed must be paid for - in full. 
 
Having the BAHA has been one of the biggest blessings in my life.  But going after it was one of the scariest things I have ever done.
 
You are right, Rebecca.  "When God closes a door he opens a window" is not Scriptural. Sometimes He is insisting that you take that leap of faith - that you grab that battering ram and break down the door.  He never promised us that this life would be easy - He only promised us that He would be here with us all the way. That isn't to say that He does not use circumstances to confirm His will for us, or to point us in the right direction. But sometimes He allows the circumstances to contradict what we know He wants for us because He knows we are capable of getting past those circumstances to His good and perfect will for our lives.